Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Getting Ahead

I hesitate to write this blog because it is yet another blog about a dog.  Although I am reading scripture, praying, journaling, involved in community, and have weekly accountability meetings with a couple of men, the Lord seems to be speaking to me most clearly, at this time, during my walks across the countryside with my dog.  I am not sure why that's the case, or how long it will continue, but I am afraid that my blog may have a few more "dog entries" before long.

The dog, Oreo, is growing so fast these days and is now able to climb over most of the stiles herself.  It has been fun to watch her grow in size and in confidence.  She is no longer completely terrified when we meet a larger dog and approaches the horses and cows we meet on her own.  She even went so far as to chase a flock of sheep the other day, which she thought was great fun. 

A couple of days ago I was out again with Oreo.  As we walked the now familiar paths she ranged farther afield.  At times she was 50-100 feet ahead of me.  I smiled at her confidence, and watched as she climbed up and over a stile at the far side of the field.  She looked back at me just before she dissappeared over the other side, as if to say, "Are you coming!?"  When I came to the stile and looked over, she had wandered on ahead even further down the path we often take.  What she didn't know is that I was going a different direction that day. 

I had a different destination in mind.  The beginning stages of our path were the same, but I decided to take a different path through some fields that we had never walked before.  Oreo was running ahead.  I enjoyed her exuberance and laughed to myself as I watched her explore.  I was less amused when I was calling her to follow me but she kept to her own path. 

Later on the way home, I was reminded of the danger of getting ahead of God.  How often do I run on ahead assuming that the path today is the same as yesterdays?  How many times to I get confused when He turns left when I thought we were going right?  How many times am I impatiently looking back at Him asking, "Are you coming with me or what?!"  I need to learn to fix my eyes on Him.  I need to wait upon the Lord instead of assuming that the natural or familiar path is the one that He has marked for me.

As I approach the new year I am wondering about the future and what it will hold.  I am hoping that this year I will not get ahead of God. 

Friday, December 18, 2009

The Giver of All Good Things

It is funny the way that the Spirit will just tap you on the shoulder sometimes and point out a lesson that is right in front of your face.  It happened again on my walk this morning.  It involved the dog again.  I have been training her to respond to my command to "come" by rewarding her with a tasty treat when she does so.  This has been working wonders.  She has started to realize that when she obeys there is a really positive payoff.  She is starting to identify me as the giver of treats, and to come when I call.  I reward her for staying close to me with words and pats and with the occasional surprise from a pocket full of canine culinary delights.

I watched her this morning as she wandered father and farther away across a field.  Her nose was glued to the ground.  I called her.  She popped her head up and looked at me.  I called her again.  It was as if I could see the debate in her little doggy head.  Then, she took off like a rocket toward me.  She was about halfway towards me when she suddenly changed directions.  She shot off on a new trajectory.  Soon, she had her nose down in a pile of cow manure and was munching away.  I called her again, but she wasn't budging.  Again, and she popped her head up and looked at me inquisitively, as if surprised that I was still there.  Then, she bolted straight towards me.  She received her tasty treat when she arrived, albiet more carefully than usual as I didn't want a hand smeared with cow manure from her muzzle.

I was laughing about this scene when I felt a gentle poke.  I am just like the brute beast.  I know that God is the giver of all good things.  His pockets are bulging with things that delight me.  When I draw near to Him, He is quick with a word of affirmation and is so kind to me.  I love to be close to Him.  But then I catch of whiff of something.  I forget that He is there.  I wander off in curiosity.  I wonder about what this new smell might hold in store.  He lets me meander and perhaps a smile drifts across His face at my inquisitiveness or my enjoyment of the field where He has led me.

Then He calls me.  I become aware of Him again.  I remember what it is like to be near Him and I am off like a rocket towards Him.  Then, I catch a whiff of something else, and my pace towards him slakens, my concentration on Him is broken.  Quicker than I know it, I am off in a different direction, forgetting the gifts that He is holding for me.  He patiently, and sometimes urgently, calls me again.  Oh yeah, that's where I was going!  As I refocus on His face, I can hardly remember how I forgot, or how I failed to reach Him, and I am off again in pursuit of the One who loves me, the giver of all good things.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Teaching an Old Dog New Tricks

I love to walk across the countryside.  I enjoy being out in nature with just my thoughts and my God.  As I walk, I pray, and my prayers are sometimes shaped and triggered by the things that strike me as I walk.  It could be a flower, the weather, something in the sky, or some kind of animal behavior.  The countryside is mostly rolling farmland that gently slopes down toward the cliffs at the sea.  There are well worn paths cutting through the fields and across the hedgerows.  In order to cross the boundaries you have to climb over stiles.  Most are made of stone and are quiet old.  It has been fun to explore the various paths through the fields and along the coast.

Lately, I have had additional company in the form of our new puppy.  She minds pretty well these days and has been an interesting addition.  I have been training her to go over the stiles.  Over the last week or so she has really be catching on.  It's been amusing to have her clamor up to the top only to be stymied by the last big step.  She has to wait for me to help her over the last bit.  This is all well and good for now, but she will soon be too heavy for me to do this easily over the tallest stiles.  However, there is a solution near at hand. There are conveniently located gates through which the livestock can be driven near these tall stiles.  So, today I decided to have her go under the gates and wait for me on the otherside while I went over the stile.  She already knows how to sit and to stay so I led her under the gate and told her to sit and stay while I backtracked and made my way over the stile.

Before I had made my way down the stile, there was a little face peering over the top of the stile inquisitively from the field I had just left.  Instead of trusting that I was not going to leave her, she had quickly and quietly followed me back to the stile to cross over the way we always had.  She repeated this behavior at the next stile as well.  It seems it was just too much for her to believe that I really meant the instructions I had given her, that I wanted her to do something different than she had done before.  Shea already "knew" what I wanted her to do from previous experience.

As I laughingly reflected on this talking about it alternatively with my dog and with my God, I was suddenly struck by the lesson.  How often do I assume what God wants me to do instead of fixing my eyes on Him and waiting for His direction?  How often do I assume that the way I have always done it is the right way, even when He seems to be directing me to do something different?  Going over the stiles was the best way for the puppy when we started our walks together, but it is time for her to start learning how to do it differently.  She is growing, and is ready for a new way.  It will take time for her to unlearn the old way and for the new way to feel right, to become the new normal.  It should be relatively easy as she is a young dog who is full of trust and a desire to please.

I wonder how easy it will be for this old dog to be trained by my Master.  May I be filled with trust and a desire to please Him.  May I learn to listen and not just to assume because I have "been down this path before".   May I surrender my pride and self-reliance, my feeling that I know the right way.  May I be willing and able to receive His direction and to follow His instructions even when they don't "feel right" as He leads me in paths of righteousness for His Name's sake.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Another fine mess...

How did I get into this mess?!  I have chosen a profession that requires me to engage wholeheartedly in striving to accomplish something that is ultimately beyond my ability to do.  I have chosen to spend my life reaching for goals that are impossible.  I am a minister.

My job is work for His Kingdom to come and His will to be done on earth as it is in heaven.  My tasks are people.  My vocation is to seek the transformation of souls.  No one can accomplish this except God Himself.  So, every day I pray and I work, I talk and I preach, I write and create, I strategize and struggle for revival and renewal.  I can write a sermon or organize a meeting, but that is nothing.  The real purpose for the sermon or the meeting are beyond me.  There's the rub.  I cannot revive a single soul.  It is not up to me to change a life.  I can feed a man, house a child, love a woman, but I cannot touch their hearts.  Only God can do that.  What kind of fool am I to struggle and agonize to accomplish something I know is impossible.

I wrestled with this as I stood on the cliffs near my home yesterday.  As the wind howled, the ocean roared, and the clouds skidded across the sky I was simultaneously filled with faith and frustration.  I know that God is Almighty.  He can do anything that He wills.  He can change lives.  He can transform churches.  He can save nations.  He can fall upon a person, a church, a town, a city, a nation, and make Himself known.  He has done it before.  So, I stood there on the cliff telling Him about what is wrong with me and the world and begging Him to pour out His Spirit.  I looked at the sky filled with dark clouds and I wondered why He wouldn't break through.  Why doesn't He do what only He can do and burn through the clouds of darkness that engulf our world!?

Then I saw something I have never seen before.  I noticed another thing happening in the sky.  I saw another layer of clouds beyond the dark storm clouds above me.  The storm was rushing toward me and over me, but all the while there were bright white wispy clouds moving the opposite direction above and beyond the darkness.  In that moment I wondered.  I remembered.  God too is always moving, always working.  His work is often shrouded and is more subtle than the darkness.  It can go without notice and get lost in the noisy evil of our world.  It doesn't make the news, but it is there.  It is ever flowing, ever moving, inexorably proceeding forward.

So, I choose to attempt the impossible.  I preach and I pray knowing that if God doesn't "show up" then it is all in vain.  I launch myself into the abyss of failure and shame knowing that if He doesn't catch me I am lost, a fool indeed.  I have no hope in life or death apart from Jesus Christ.  I expect to swing out into eternity on that.

Friday, November 6, 2009

God is with us

I have been reading Genesis lately, trying to keep up with my son.  We decided to read the New Testament this year, and when we got through Revelation, my son just flipped back to the beginning and started in on Genesis.  So, I decided to read along with him, but that boy is a voracious reader and it's been a challenge to keep up with him.  Today, I covered a bunch of ground in the middle of Genesis to catch up with him as He's almost done with Joseph's story.  (By the way, I have to wonder what a 7 year old boy does with the story of Dinah and Shechem, or Lot and his daughters!?)

I love reading larger sections of scripture at once.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy focusing in on a word or a verse as well, but there is something about taking in the whole scope of a story or a series of stories that illuminates the broader themes.  I was struck by the phrase "God was with him" and how many times in occurs.  It is a theme in each of the patriarchs lives and is also clearly a theme with Joseph.  God was with them.  This is usually either preceeded or followed by a list of the blessings they received, the wealth they accumulated, or the sons that were born.  Clearly God being with them is a tremendous source of blessing.  So much so that even their neighbors and erstwhile enemies could recognize it as the hand of God and sought treaties with them.

As I read the story of Joseph in particular I found myself pondering the blessing of God being with Joseph.  It is clear that He was with Joseph, but that God being with him did not prevent him from being abused and almost killed by his brothers, being sold into slavery, being accosted and falsely accused by his bosses wife, being imprisoned, or being forgotten by those he helped.  God was with him and was blessing him in the midst of these difficulties and injustices.  God's presence did not prevent them or allow Joseph to circumvent them. 

God did not rescue Joseph from the harsh realities of a radically dysfunctional family, work place discrimination, or the miscarriage of justice when falsely imprisoned.  God was with Joseph in the middle of these things.  Oh! How Joseph must have wondered where God was in the middle of his sufferings!?  I can only imagine how he might have felt as others were released from prison while he remained.  The one chosen and blessed by God seemed to be the only one who was not being blessed.  There was simply no way for Joseph to know what God was up to and God never told him.  God was with him the whole time, blessing him, but not releasing Him.

Emmanuel, God is with us.

Friday, October 30, 2009

The Battle

I believe that God has created me to be a warrior.  I feel most engaged, most alive, when I am conquering something.  I love a challenge.  I have often struggled to understand this part of myself, or to tame this part of myself, but I believe that the Lord has created me this way.  I believe that He is pleased with this part of me.  He calls me to follow Him, and then leads me into battle.

The problem is that the battlefields He leads me to these days are internal and spiritual.  He leads me to battle my flesh and Satan, the enemy of our souls.  He leads me to battle in prayer.  But, these battles are not easily won.  They are never really over.  No sooner do I see a victory in one area, then He calls me to march on.  I want to stand astride the battlefield as the conqueror savoring the victory, but instead I find that the fiendish enemy is not vanquished, but rather has retreated to another field of battle.  So, I march on, but I don't find the sense of conquest or closure that I seek.

Yes, there are moments of victory.  There are quiet celebrations as strongholds fall, but these are tempered by the realization that the grim foe remains and the fight is not over.  I see glimmers of light and shimmering victory against the backdrop of the darkness.  I see how far I have come, and yet more clearly how far I have yet to travel.  My struggle for holiness continues.  This is true in the battle for my own sanctification as well as the battles I fight in prayer for others. 

My struggle in prayer is also clouded by my inability to quantify the victories.  I can see lives change, people come to faith, relationships reconciled, churches planted, strongholds fall, but it is hard for me to see these as a result of my prayers.  I sit in a room thousands of miles removed from those who are in the thick of the fight and wonder if what I am doing is of any real value.  They are the ones on the front lines, perhaps I should be out there with them, where the "real" work is done.  Or, perhaps the real work is prayer.

I was puzzling over this today and was drawn to Exodus 17.  Moses tells Joshua to get ready for battle and to go fight the Amalekites, while Moses heads up on a hill to pray.  Joshua goes out to battle and Moses holds up his arms and prays.  Whenever Moses' arms are up, Joshua and the army of Israel are winning, whenever Moses drops his arms they are losing.  So, who really wins the battle for the Lord that day?

I am tempted to say that Moses did, but verse 13 says that "Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword."  The victory was Joshua's.  Moses had a role to play, a key role, a pivotal role, but the victory was Joshua's.  Or was it?  Perhaps the victory was really the Lord's and Joshua and Moses both played their role.  It was the Lord who brought the victory and both Joshua and Moses fought the "real" battle, but fought in different ways, on different planes.

I'm not really sure how it works.  Some tell us that the "real" battle is spiritual, others that the "real" world is the one we perceive with our senses.  I think that both are equally real, both were created by God.  I find battle in the physical world so much easier to engage in and to understand.  It is hard for me to stay motivated to battle in the spiritual realm.  I have so much to learn.  But, this I know: prayer is important.  God invites us to pray.  He urges us to pray.  He teaches us to pray.  He commands us to pray.  He tells us that our prayers can be powerful and effective.  He gives us examples of prayers that make a real difference through the lives of Moses, Elijah, Jesus, Peter, Paul, and so many others.  Clearly prayer is important.  Clearly we have been given divine weapons to demolish strongholds.

So, today, I wade into the battle again.  I little know or understand the significance or effectiveness of my attempts, but I believe He has called me to this.  Perhaps my childish attempts at battle make Him smile and He empowers them to demolish the unseen enemy.  I hope so.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The Invitation

The invitation is to follow Christ.  He makes no promises about the destination or even what will happen on the journey.  Sure, there is the promise of the ultimate destination when the journey is all over, and there is the promise that He will always be with us on the journey.  Not to minimize these, but what about the everyday promises? What about food on the table and a roof over your head?  What about healthy kids and good friends?  What about the respect of those you admire or those you lead?  What about all the things that we have been led to expect from life, from God?  Does He promise these?

If I believe what the Christian bookstores sell, then yes, He does, but I don't believe them.  I don't believe that "every day with Jesus is sweeter than the one before."  I don't believe that He promises that we will be healthy, wealthy, and wise.  I don't believe that following Him will always lead to light and bliss.  I don't believe that we'll always come out on top (in this world) or that we will be rewarded for doing the right thing.  Sometimes doing the right thing means being executed, or slowly being starved to death.  Sometimes following Jesus leads us into trouble not away from it.  A quick examination of the lives of the prophets, or the lives of the vast majority of Christians in our time and the ages before us, shows us that it is an anomaly to have a nice life and also follow Christ.

So, I reject the "face value wisdom and happy lies" that promise something that Jesus never actually promised.  He did promise that He would be with us.  He promised that He would send us the Spirit to comfort us and to lead us.  He promised that He would complete the good work that He began in us.  Ah, there's the rub.  To complete the good work of redeeming my soul and making me more like Himself, He has to lance the painful, infected, places in my soul.  He has to take me to face the hurt, the darkness, the pain in my own soul.  It's not just that there is sin "out there", that the world is sick and infected and therefore not as it should be and so we suffer in this world.  It's that I am sick and infected and not as I should be. 

So, I choose again today to follow Him.  Not because it will be easy, or will lead to all the worldly happiness that I crave, but because He is God and He is good.  He is good even when He takes me by the hand and leads me down in to valley of the shadow of death.  For dying to myself is a real death with real suffering.  I believe that He inflicts this pain because it is the only way for me to be healed.  I hate the pain, but I love the soul surgeon who inflicts it. 

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Who else?

There are times in my journey when I am filled with love for God.  There are times when I just delight in Him and desire nothing more than sitting in His presence.  There are other times when our relationship is less filled with inexpressible joy, and more difficult.  There are times when I really resonate with Peter. Peter was passionate.  Peter was eager.  Peter often spoke impetuously.  Peter was also honest, as honest as he could be.  I love Peter's words in John 6.

Quite a few followers were leaving and abandoning Jesus.  Those who were not leaving were grumbling.  Jesus turns to the twelve and asks them if they are also going to leave.  I love Peter's response.  You might expect that He would declare his undying loyalty.  You might expect that he would declare his love and his faithfulness.  Instead he responds, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God."

No bombastic declarations.  No prideful self assurance.  No, those would come later, in a different season.  This time he responded with a simple statement about what is true.  They knew that Jesus was the One.  If we read between the lines we see Peter's implication, that if they had another real option, they might well take it. But, because they knew that Jesus was the Messiah and the only way to eternal life, they had no choice but to follow Him.  Who else could they follow?

That is a bit where I find myself in my journey these days.  I am wrestling with God.  I am frustrated.  I am bothered.  But to whom else can I go?  I know too much to leave.  I know that He is and that He rewards those who diligently seek Him.  So I seek Him still, even though He says some strange things, even though He asks for difficult sacrifices.  Where else could I go?  Who else has the words of eternal life?  Who else is the Eternal Word?  So, with Peter, I will stay the course and trust that this season too will pass and another one will follow.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Playing with God

This morning I find myself wondering about how to more fully integrate God into the playful side of my life.  I am a pretty playful person by nature.  I like to tease and joke.  I like to play cards and boardgames.  I enjoy video games and computer games.  I generally just enjoy playing.  I know how God's standards inform my choices about leisure activity, that I should only let my mind dwell on things that are true, noble, right, lovely, admirable, and worthy of praise.  It's the actual playing that puzzles me.

I am not struggling with picturing God as happy or joyful, or even laughing, but I am having a hard time picturing Jesus engaging in the kind of  frivolous pastimes that I enjoy.  I can picture Him enjoying creation, or enjoying the joy of His creatures, but I have a hard time picturing Jesus playing football, Playstation, or even checkers.  I can picture Him preaching and praying.  I can picture him serving and healing.  I can picture Him eating and sleeping.  I just can't quite see him playing, and this puzzles me and makes me sad.  Did Jesus ever just take some "down time"?  What did He do for fun?

Over the weekend, my son and I spent hours playing a variety of games together, everything from checkers, to Playstation, to Civilization on the PC.  I can picture God enjoying us enjoying each other, but what about when I just play a game by myself?  Does God smile on that?  Does He enjoy me enjoying the game?  Does He enjoy me enjoying the challenge, the problem solving?  Or does He think it's all a waste of time and that I should be doing something productive, of eternal value?  I know that I need a certain amount of just plain fun in my life, but I find myself feeling guilty about it.  I can't believe that the guilt is from God, but I can't quite dismiss it either.

Friday, October 2, 2009

The Natural and the Supernatural

Being Christ like does not come naturally to me.  I am bent.  I have a predisposition to sin.  Not only that, but I have spent years doing what comes naturally.  I have programmed by body and my soul to respond to certain situations or stimuli in strictly natural ways.  Like one of Pavlov's dogs I hear the "bell" of stress and turn to escape.  I hear the bell of difficulty and turn to procrastination.  I have a natural tendency to turn away from God, and to seek my own way, and I have further strengthened these natural tendencies by developing sinful habits of heart, mind, and body.

Everyone of us has turned away from God.  We turn away from the Fountain of Living Water and dig cisterns for ourselves, broken cisterns that can't even hold water.  I have returned to my cisterns so often that there are now deep ruts leading to them.  It is hard to pull in another direction when my nature and my habitual way of living lead me down the well worn path.  My culture in another accomplice to my crimes.  Our cultures normalize and enshrine our cisterns.  We are surrounded by others not only doing the same things but also giving approval to our choices.  They actively recruit people to drink from the cisterns, and profit off of the enslavement to the natural.

God offers us freedom.  He offers us His very Spirit to live inside of us and lead us to new ways of living.  If we say that we don't need Him we lie.  If we say we don't sin, we lie.  But, if we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.  From that place of humble surrender and gracious forgiveness He leads us, as often as we need it, back to the Fountain of Living Water. 

As we try to forget what is behind and press on for the prize, He is at work within us to will and to work His good pleasure for us.  The ruts are still there, but He calls us to abandon them, He empowers us to choose the supernatural life over the natural. We are not alone.  He will never leave us or forsake us.  It may always be more natural for me to sin than to live like Jesus, but it is getting a little easier than it used to be.  The road is long, the temptations are great, but greater is He who is in us than He who is in the World.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Significance

This week I have to make some decisions.  I am faced with an array of opportunities, relationships, and events, and I can't do all of them.  I'm not even sure that I am supposed to do any of them.  Silence and simplicity are a clear part of my calling, but resist these parts as I strive for significance.  On some level I have bought into the lie that the more I do the more significant I am.

The very fact that I am still striving, seeking, searching for significance shows that I have missed it.  The desire itself betrays me.  It shows me that I am still measuring myself against something.  I am still looking for something or someone to tell me I am significant.  The real problem is not just that I am looking in the wrong direction, it is that I am looking at all.

God has already declared that I am significant.  According to God I am His Child, a member of a holy nation, a royal priesthood.  I am an heir with Christ, seated in the heavenly realms.  I am one of the foolish and despised things of the world, that He has declared to be something significant.  I am one of the things that was not, but is now because He spoke it into being.  The same God who spoke and their was light has spoken words of blessing and affirmation over me.

The same God who created the universe by declaring it into existence, has declared that I am His child.  He made me, and is remaking me.  He is the center of all things.  He is the One from which all things derive their meaning and existence.  Things are at their heart whatever He declares them to be.  Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart.  If He says that I am significant, then I am.  It is a fact.  A fact that I loose sight of all to easily.  I know I have lost sight of it when I am living my life trying to become something less than I already am.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Silence

Last night I watched a movie with my wife, "A River Runs Through It".  Afterwards, she was tired and went to bed while I sat on the couch reflecting on the themes of the movie.  After a while, she called down and asked me what I was doing.  I responded, "Nothing.  Just sitting here."  It struck me as a little odd.  I wasn't really doing "nothing".  I was reflecting.  I was thinking.

Another piece to the story is that after the movie was over, and before my wife called down, I turned off the DVD player and the TV popped back to regular programming.  A movie was on that I didn't recognize.  Even though I was enjoying the silence and wanted to continue to reflect I was immediately drawn in.  My curiosity was piqued.  It was a few minutes before I realized that I was losing the thoughts, the reflections, and the rest, that I had been entering into just moments before.  It was a real struggle to choose silence with interesting noise so readily available. 

I am so addicted to noise and activity!  I feel strange sitting still.  I know that it is in stillness and silence that I get in tune with my soul and with my God.  So, why do I feel almost guilty when I am doing nothing?  I am nearly always doing something, many times attempting to do multiple things simultaneously.  Busy-ness is familiar and comfortable.  If I find myself between tasks I feel somewhat uneasy and I start to immediately search for the next thing to do; the next activity to engage in, the next media to consume, the next problem to solve.  The problem is that noise is constantly available and even intrudes on our lives unbidden.  The hard part is to choose silence.  Silence seems unnatural.  It is hard to find or create silence, but it is necessary. It is worth pursuing.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Learn to Discern

I desperately want to know God.  I want to know Him personally and to interact with Him.  It isn't that I don't know God's Name.  I know His Name and I know Him personally, but I want to know Him more.  I have talked with Him and on a few occasions I have heard His reply to my question or my cry.  It's not that He is fully unknown.

I want to know Him like I want to know my wife.  I want to know the way she is thinking.  I want to understand her emotions.  I want to know what makes her smile and what makes her mad; but it's not just the information I want, it's the connection.  I want to know her and I want to be known by her.  I want to belong to her and for her to belong to me.  Of course all of this is already true on one level, but I want more.

I read His Word.  I pray and I worship in song.  I feel His presence, but not with the kind of regularity that I want, that I believe is possible.  I want to hear His voice and to be able to tell the difference between His voice and the other voices echoing in my head.  I want to be able to know when it is Him speaking and when it is just me, my parents, or my culture.  I want to learn to rightly discern His voice.

This is not just idle curiosity.  As a Christian I believe that Christ is my Saviour as well as my model for life and ministry.  I want to live like Christ.  Jesus always only did what He saw His Father doing.  I can't do that right now, because more often than not I have no idea what God is doing.  I am sure that He is at work, but only rarely can I trace His fingerprints on a situation until after the fact.  So, I need to train my senses, my mind, and my heart to be alert to Him and His movements.  I believe that discernment is both a gift and a skill, or rather a gift that God gives to all His children that can be increased with practice.  I want to learn to discern.

Monday, September 14, 2009

It's all about me

It is funny how easy it is for me to slip into a narcissistic perspective.  I all too easily become consumed with myself and lose my grasp on reality.  The more I focus on my fears and failures, or even my victories and virtues, the more warped my perspective becomes.

The fact is that the story of my life is a small part of a much grander story.  God is writing an epic story filled with love and hate, faithfulness and betrayal, a great adventure.  I have a part in the story, as we all do, but when I start thinking that it's all about me, I have lost the plot.  I make too much of myself.  I make to much of my gifts, my reputation, my sin, my insignificance, and my importance.  None of these things are the central truths of reality.  God alone stands at the center.  He is the hero of the story, not me.  He has written me into the story and I am valuable because He made me and loves me, but that doesn't make the story about me.

As I wrote my last post, I was wallowing in self-pity.  I was focusing only on myself and my experience.  Then, a surprising thing happened.  Someone reminded me that what I need to do is to make much of God, to focus on Him.  I cannot worry about the critics or the price that I might pay for obedience.  I must only draw near to God, and  do what He would have me do.  I wonder if great things are only possible when undertaken with self-forgetfulness?  Great battles are not won without sacrifice and there will be scars to bear.  If I trust that God really is working everything out for my good as well as the good of the Kingdom, then I can walk whatever path He lays before me.

I am so quick to forget!  I need to be reminded of the gospel.  I need to be reminded that it is all about God.  I need to be reminded that while I am a unique and valued child of the King, I am only one of many valued children.  He has a role for me to play, a part for me to fulfill, work for me to do.  I must do my part for the Kingdom to advance and for the King to get the glory that is due to His Name.  He'll take care of the rest, and as I lose myself in Him and the work He has for me to do, I become who I was created to be.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Fear and Writing

I am afraid.  I am afraid to write honestly about my experience of God.  I am afraid to share my doubts and misgivings as well as my certainties.  I am afraid to share about my sinful past, and my besetting sins that are with me even now.  I am afraid that if I really write, really share who I am, if I commit it to the page, then I will be judged, ridiculed and mocked. 

I don’t think that my fears are unfounded as it doesn’t take too much poking around on the internet to find a raft of websites that mock and defame any number of ministers and ministries.  It is not that I am afraid of being wrong.  I know that I’m wrong a lot of the time and that even some things that I once was confident about, I now shudder to think that I espoused.  I am sure that I am wrong and I am open to correction.  I don’t want to be wrong, I don’t like it, but it seems I can’t help it.  I think the only way to become less wrong is to be honest about who you are and what you think, so that others can speak into your life.  I want to be able to search for truth without being shouted at too much, and without being mocked.  I don’t mind confessing my ignorance if I can receive knowledge in return rather than disdain. 

So, I hesitate.  I procrastinate.  I believe that God has asked me to write, but I will do anything other than that.  I will do research.  I will adjust the layout of my blog.  I will update and reboot my computer.  I will do just about anything other than lay myself bare before the reading world. 

The irony of all this is that virtually no one is reading what I write anyway.

Stealing His Glory

One of the things that I appreciate about scripture is the way that it records the real lives of people who have followed God, warts and all. There is no putting a nice spin on sleeping with your daughter in law, or giving your wife to another man to avoid a potential threat to your own safety. The stories of the men and women in scripture are not written to glorify them, but rather to point to the nature and character of God.

The stories are meant to glorify God. By recording for posterity not just the victories, but also the struggles and outright failures of these men and women God receives glory and we receive hope. If even a man after God's own heart can commit murder and adultery, then there is hope for a man like me.

I find modern biographies to be more sanitized, and at times even discouraging. By lionizing the leaders of churches and ministries are we not glorifying the man or woman at the expense of the glory of God. I find myself wondering at the saintliness and giftedness of the leaders and wondering if I measure up. I find myself impressed with them and their ministries rather than inspired to step out into ministry myself.

But, if I am honest, I have to acknowledge my own propensity to hide the warts and trumpet "my achievements". In my own heart, I am guilty of trying to steal some of God's glory all too often. I want people to like me. I want people to think that I am gifted and to respect me, to speak well of me. The fact that this comes so naturally to me does not mean that it's not wrong. All kinds of sin comes naturally to me, all too naturally.

I don't mean that we need to share everything with everyone, but when we seek to glorify ourselves even subtly, are we not seeking to keep a bit of the praise that we should be reflecting to the Father for ourselves; sort of skimming off the top before we pass it along. Is it not a form of spiritual embezzlement? I don't want to steal even a portion of His glory. So, I resolve to live with integrity and to share the whole story so that He can get the whole glory.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Walking Through the Corn

I took a walk recently with my children through the countryside near our house. We were trying a new path that a friend told us about. About an hour into our walk we found ourselves on the edge of a corn field. We could see the woods on the far side of the corn so we knew we were heading in the right direction. We could also see the path leading into the corn and towards the woods. So, we set off. It wasn't long before the path intersected others and branched off in myriad directions, it even became difficult to tell the difference between the path and the spaces between the corn rows. We were in the middle of the field with the corn stalks high over our heads when my kids asked me to stop. That was the easy question, the next one was harder, "Daddy, are you sure we are heading the right direction?"

I had to admit that I really wasn't sure, but that I felt pretty confident that if we kept moving in the direction we were heading that we would come out roughly where we wanted to be, if not exactly on the edge of the woods. So, we plunged ahead, careful to stick to what we thought was the path and avoiding damage to the ripening crop. Before long we suddenly stepped out of the field and found ourselves near the wood. There was a collective sigh of relief and we continued on our walk. On the way back, we avoided the cornfield altogether.

In my life I find that the long-term objectives are clear, but in the doing of the tasks and the living of life I feel like I'm in over my head. I know where I want to get to ultimately, but the goal that seemed so within reach is now out of sight. Am I heading in the right direction? Am I lost? My general response is to plunge ahead hoping that I'm on the right track. How often do I lower my head and keep walking rather than stopping to ask my Father if I am on the right path? I love that my kids asked me. I didn't know the answer, but Our Father who art in heaven always knows the path. He is never lost. I don't have to plunge on in ignorance hoping that my foolish confidence will take me the right way. I can ask my Father for help. I can walk with Him throughout the day. So, today I choose to place my hand in His and let Him lead me in the right path for me...even through the corn field.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Choices

Everyday we make choices. When to get up? What to eat for breakfast? How many cups of coffee to drink? How to spend our time? How to spend our money? We make all kinds of choices everyday.

Today I am struck by the choices that I make and how most of life is made up of seemingly trivial choices. While it is true that many of our choices are indeed trivial, there are other choices that may be life changing. The hard part is that there is no way of knowing which choices will be life changing before you make them. I saw a report this morning that a girl was swept off a rock by an unexpectedly enormous wave and died. The news is filled with stories of people who are "in the wrong place at the wrong time" and their lives are ended or forever changed. Mundane choices sometimes lead us to unexpected places.

I can't worry about the seemingly random events like freak waves. I have to trust that if I am making reasonable decisions that God will take care of the "random" stuff. That is His purview. On the other hand, I also saw a friends facebook page today that clearly demonstrated that my friend, who once walked with Jesus is doing so no longer. We journeyed together for a time, but now the path that I walk and that of his have now widly diverted. How did that happen? I find myself reflecting on this as I consider how I spend my time, and wondering where the general trajectory of my choices is taking me. At some point my friend started to make choices that eventually led him away from the Lord. Perhaps is it was lies that he chose to believe. Perhaps it was a temptation he chose to indulge. I don't know where it started, but I can clearly see where it has led.

So, what are the choices that I am making. Am I choosing to draw near to God? I know that He will draw near to me if I draw near to Him. He is faithful to keep His promises. I know that if I hear His knock and open the door, He will come in and dine with me. I know that I often ignore the knock or the invitation to intimacy, choosing to delay or defer my response, in essence to deny his request to rest with the Redeemer. All too often this is because I am driven by my own internal drives to produce and to accomplish things for Him. I call these things good, but to the extent that they keep me from "the one needful thing" they are not at all good. I must choose each day to sit at his feet and to draw near. I must choose to quiet my self like a weaned child with his mother and not to concern myself with things that are too great for me. Then, I can live and choose from a place of peace and trust.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Information Junkie

I am an information junkie. I want to know things. I want to understand what is happening in the world around me. I want to understand the past. I want to track the present. I am almost constantly seeking out knowledge, researching something. It's not all bad, but I believe that part of what drives me in this is my desire for control. On some level I believe that it is up to me to make sure I don't miss the good, or that I will be responsible if something preventable and bad happens.

It may sound crazy, but I think that if I understand the past and the present that I will be able to predict the future; not in a mystical sort of way, but by connecting the dots and seeing the big picture, seeing the trajectory of events. I still don't completely understand where this started in my heart or why I am compelled in this way, but I feel it deep in my soul. I don't want to be caught unaware, or flat footed. I want to be able to see threats and opportunities. I want to be competent. I want to be "on top of things". I want to make good decisions.

I believe that some of this is from God, a part of the way that He made me; however I think that it can also be twisted. I think part of it is fear based. Fear that I (or those I love) will be hurt if I fail to be vigilant. I'm afraid that something will happen that I could have, should have, foreseen. I am afraid that if I let down my guard, I will be taken advantage of, or I will become a victim of something that "I should have seen coming". On some level I seek to be God, and fail to trust Him. Even as I write this, I remember.

I remember being victimized. I remember a leader, a friend, who took advantage of me as a boy and who wounded me deeply. He was a leader in the church. I remember kicking myself (not literally) and condemning myself and my failure to see it coming. I remember vowing that I wouldn't be taken in again. I wouldn't be fooled again. It started back then. The tendency to try to peer past the surface of things, try to discern what is going on at a deeper level so that I can protect myself. Is even this a gift from God?

God says that He is working all things together for good. Is my propensity for research and reflection a gift from God? I think it is, but it is also, at least in part, a result of the abuse I suffered as a boy. Because of what happened there is a wounded part of me. A part that fails to believe that He really is in control or that He really is going to take good care of me. I wonder what it would look like for me to really trust Him. How might my ability to take in and analyze data be used by Him rather than being a tool of my fears or desires. What would this gift from Him look like if fully redeemed and set free?

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

A Cup

What a privilege it is to be used by God. We are rarely aware of the way that God is using us, and that is probably a good thing...at least for me. I think that it would serve to puff up my already considerable ego. I am sure that even when I am being used by God, there is some of me mixed in and I cannot always tell the difference. I can't always sort out, which bit is divine and which is an expression of my mixed bag of emotions.

This weekend I believe I was used by God. I say this with some trepidation, but I believe it to be true, not because I feel a particular way, but because of the reactions of others. I was given the opportunity to preach on Sunday at a church. The pastor was traveling and they invited me to fill the pulpit. To be honest, I'm in the middle of a bunch of stuff right now, and I didn't really want to do it, but they asked and I felt compelled to say "yes". So, over the last few weeks I have been praying, studying, and preparing. Then, on Sunday I got to preach.

After the service and even into this week people have been contacting me to let me know how God spoke to them particularly through the sermon. It is not uncommon to get the occasional, "Good sermon pastor!" kind of comments from people, but these are different. One man called me and told me how his heart was touched and his life will forever be different in some very practical ways because of decisions he made in response the sermon. I have been preaching for a long time and rarely, if ever, have I seen this kind of response.

I don't think it is because I was better prepared, had a snappier outline, or better alliterations. I don't think it had to do with me much at all. As I have been reflecting on this, I think my role is like a cup. When you are drinking something, you rarely think about the cup. The size, shape, color, or design of the cup make little if any difference. The cup is not the point, the beverage is the point. The cup is not insignificant, it is useful and necessary to the process, but it is a means and not the end. Imagine going to a fine restaurant and ordering a really nice glass of wine. As you enjoy the wine, you won't really be thinking about the glass. The wine is what you enjoy, the cup is merely the utensil to get the wine into your mouth.

For whatever reason, God chose to use this vessel, this cup, to get the wine of communion into the mouths of His people on Sunday. What a an awesome privilege and tremendous joy to be a cup in God's hand and for His purposes. I am humbled and thrilled that He would use me. When I preach I feel His pleasure. It was also so sweet and kind of Him to allow me to see some of the fruit. I feel like that was a personal touch, a little side gift, to me in this. He is so good.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Technique and Methodology

I find myself wondering about our fascination with technique and methodology this morning. It seems that every problem from a difficult marriage to church planting among the unreached has been, or is being, reduced to technique. The reason that your marriage isn't going well is that you haven't discovered or applied the "5 secrets of a happy marriage". The reason that your sex life isn't satisfying or intimate is that you haven't read the most recent issue of Cosmopolitan or Men's Health to discover the "6 steps to sexual satisfaction". The reason that the billions of unreached people haven't embraced Christ is that we've been doing it wrong all these years and this NEW and IMPROVED method of evangelism and church planting will do the trick; just buy this book and follow these "10 principles to lead Muslims to Jesus".

Is it all really that simple? Can our relationships be reduced to arithmetic and formulas? Can the interactions between souls, human or divine, be quantified and mechanized? Can we study ourselves into love, can we strategize ourselves into intimacy? Do we really believe that we are so far superior to those who have gone before us? Do we really believe that we have finally found the method(s) that will solve our problems? Or perhaps there is something else going on here. Perhaps this is all just a way of creating or sustaining the illusion of control.

If the answers to perennial problems, spiritual or relational, can be reduced to techniques or formulas then if we learn the right methods we will be in control of the outcomes. All we have to do is learn the right parenting techniques and our kids will be healthy and happy, the right marriage techniques and we'll have a problem free marriage. But all of this misses the point. We are not in control. We were never designed to be in control. We are not the Controller, the Creator and the Sustainer of the Universe. God is. We are invited to walk with Him and to talk with Him. We are invited to work alongside Him.

The emphasis on method and formulas flows from the Enlightenment. This period of history gave us modern science and the scientific method. I am grateful for science and all that we have today as a result of the pursuit of understanding how the universe works. I could not right this blog if someone had not figured out how to push electrons around. My point is not that techniques and methods are bad, but that they are limited. When we are dealing with material objects they are extremely useful, but we have allowed this way of thinking to creep into our thinking about all aspects of our lives.

Science is great as a far as science can go, but science alone cannot answer the really important questions: Where did we come from? Why are we here? What is the point of all this? Science is helpful for understanding and manipulating the physical world, but there are other realities, more important ones. We are not just chemicals and reactions. We are souls. After all you can't put love in a test tube, and you can't quantify a snuggle with your kids. When we try to reduce our interactions with each other and God down to technique, we dehumanize those that we are using our methods on. We treat them as objects in our experiment rather than human souls to be interacted with, or in the case of God, a divine soul to be pursued, loved, and known.

In our pursuit of technical perfection we miss real relationship. We miss real intimacy. We miss real love. We miss the the real heart of the matter.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

The Nature of Faith

This morning I read Romans 14 and was struck by the last line of the last verse: 'Whatever is not from faith is sin." As I meditated on this verse trying to grasp the practical implications of this for my life, I was drawn back to reflecting on the nature of faith. If faith is a set of doctrines that I believe or my belief in itself, then I'm not sure what to do with this verse. How do I interpret and "Whatever is not flowing from my belief is sin" or perhaps "Whatever is not in accordance with the doctrines of the church or biblical principles is sin"?

I remember earlier in my journeyt falling into a paralysis of analysis as I constantly checked and double checked my motives to see that they were from faith. As if I could even rightly discern my heart motivations or could seperate the various mixed motives and eliminate the less noble ones through some sort of mental exercise! I remember also a time in my journey when I thought of my "faith" primarily in terms of biblical principles and ideas to be understood and applied. If only I could read, grasp, understand, and apply all the biblical mandates and principles then everything would be "from faith". This too is an impossible task in daily life, and would create an unbearable burden of analysis of every situation to determine which principle(s) apply and how to apply them before doing anything.

But, what if faith is not primarily about content or about the quality or quantity of my trust or belief? What if faith is primarily relational? In Hebrews we are told that "without faith it is impossible to please Him for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is the rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. In John 5 we are warned that there are those who diligently seek the scriptures because they believe that by them they will have eternal life, but they refused to come to Jesus who was life. In John 17 we are told that eternal life is to know God and to know Jesus whom He sent. It is all about relationship.

So, that means that whatever is not done in relationship with God is sin. This makes more sense to me, and I believe fits better with the rest of Scripture. There are so many decisions I make that do not include Christ. There are so many unexamined parts of my life. Clearly God has made known to us the broader parameters, the fences beyond which we dare not tread; The Ten Commandments are a good summary of those, and the Sermon on the Mount provides greater clarity on how to interpret those, but the key is not to memorize and analyze. That is not the eternal kind of life.

Eternal life is to walk and talk with God. To involve Him in every aspect of our lives. To not just begin by the Spirit, but to walk with the Spirit day by day. (Gal. 5) As I go through my life, I can dialogue with my ever present God about my circumstances, relationships, ideas, emotions, and decisions. Whatever is not done in communion or in communication with the Spirit of God is sin. This is not undoable, or overburdensom; it's not easy either. I will have to adjust my mindset and to learn new disciplines, but perhaps this is what Paul meant by praying without ceasing 1 Thes. 5:17). I may be wrong and foolish about some of this, but I am still thirsty and this leads me to Jesus, the fountain of living water.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Bent

In Paralandra, C. S. Lewis uses fiction to explore the nature of man. He creates a cavalcade of characters that embody various perspectives and ways of living. I think one of the marks of good literature is that it makes you think. A good book will continue to bounce around in my head for weeks after reading, or at least the ideas will resurface and become a part of my mental landscape.

Just this morning I found myself reflecting on my own nature and gravitating back to Lewis' description of one particular character. He describes the character as bent. As I reflect on my soul, my good intentions, my choices, my desires, I find that this word, "bent", is an apt descriptor. I am not shattered or broken, not irredeemable or un-fixable. But I am deeply bent.

As I ruminated on this it suddenly occurred to me that the way a blacksmith straightens something that is bent is by heating and hammering. This thought rose in my mind as I was asking the Lord to straighten my bent soul. I believe that He has me in the fire right now and that the hammer is falling even as I write this. He is not doing this to be cruel. He is doing this in answer to my prayers, and for my own good. The heat and the pressure are indespensible parts of my re-formation. He is working on my bent soul. I want to be re-formed in the image of Christ, but I can't say that I always enjoy the process. So, I choose to trust and wait for the next straightening blow to fall.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The One Fixed Point

I have never had any desire to be a nomad. Nomads have no fixed home, instead they move from place to place taking whatever they can carry with them as they travel. Most nomads are pastoralists, driving their herds to the places where they can be find food and water and shelter from whatever weather is threatening them. My family and I are nomads, but we're not the ones doing the driving or choosing the next location, or even the time to move. We are nomads being driven along by God.

During the exodus, the Israelites left their homes and the only life they had ever known to follow God out of slavery and into the Promised Land. But, before He took them to the promised land, He trained them to follow Him and to trust Him. He appeared to them in a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night. Whenever the pillar would move on, they would follow. Whenever the pillar would stop, they would stop. This has been something like my experience. Sometimes we have lived someplace for years, the longest has been 6 years, and sometimes for just days.

For the last 10 months we have been particularly nomadic. It is really wearing on us. Even after more than 10 years of a generally nomadic existence we still long for stability. We long for a little patch of earth with some kind of structure on it to be "our home". When we don't have this we feel unstable in our souls. I wasn't raised to be a nomad. It just doesn't feel right to me. I want a stable place that belongs to me; my own personal castle and private domain. Ah, there's the rub! God wants all of me, and He wants to be the Lord of every part of me, which leaves me know personal domain, no private fiefdom.

In the second book of C. S. Lewis' Space Trilogy, Paralandra, the one command that God gives to the perfect couple is that they live on the ever moving islands of paradise and never spend the night on the fixed land. As the protagonist struggles to understand the command he realizes that it is because God wants to remain their one fixed point. As long as they are on the moving islands they have to totally trust in Him. Their obedience demonstrates their trust in Him.

God is training me like the Israelites of old to trust in Him, to follow Him, o rely on Him. And like the Israelites of old I resist the training. I fail to trust, I fail to rely, but I can not fail to follow.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Losing Focus

Yesterday I was humbled by worship yet again. I was standing at a church service when God ambushed me again through the words of a song. He has a tendency to sneak past my defenses as I worship in song. This time it was the line "there is one great love" from David Crowder's version of "O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing". All of a sudden, as I was singing those words, I was convicted and comforted all at the same time.

I was struck by my adulterous heart and how prone it is to wander from the God I love. (And even as I type I recognize that those last few words are from "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing", the residual effects of a previous worship ambush). I lose focus SO easily. There in that moment, I was reminded that there is one great love, one consuming passion, that drives me, or at least should drive me. I was reminded of how I had spent the last 2 nights staying up WAY too late playing a video game. The video game was not the problem as there is nothing particular objectionable in the game I was playing, but rather as I was playing in the wee hours of the morning I was aware of the time and that I should really turn it off. There was a voice in my head saying something like, "Is this really that important? You'll be sorry tomorrow. You'll be tired and cranky. How will you love your kids well? How will you love your wife well? How will you be able to spend time with me?" I am not confident enough to say that it was the voice of God clearly speaking those words in my head, rather an impression in my soul that when verbalized takes on those words.

The interesting thing was my response in that moment. I simply blocked out the impression. I choose to ignore the wisdom of God. Sure enough, the next morning I was tired and cranky and sorry I had stayed up so late. But, here's the irony, I did the same thing again the next night. And again, the next night, I blocked out the voice, like a child putting his fingers in his ears and shouting, "LA LA LA LA LA LA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!" I decided to do what I wanted to do, what felt good at the moment, regardless of the consequences. I praise God that my addictions are relatively less damaging than the ones I used to indulge, but the problem of my heart is just the same. I lose focus much too easily and have a proclivity for willfulness. I say I want to pursue God and to learn to hear His voice and obey, and yet I am prone to wander.

So, during worship, when I was singing, God reminded me that there is "one great love: Jesus" and that He loves me, even when I am a willful knucklehead. He really is worth listening too. He really is worth pursuing. He really is my one great love. I just forget to remember.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Easter Reflections

I watched a man in a wheel chair take communion on Good Friday. As this man with severe disabilities (I assume he had cerebral palsy) passed me with his care givers on his way toward the communion elements I thought, "Man! He is going to enjoy heaven! There are no wheel chairs in heaven!"

Then as I sat there reflecting on what Christ endured on the cross and on the state of our world today it was like a penny dropping and a pattern emerged from the random thoughts and experiences of the last few weeks. The disparate and seemingly unrelated events and ideas were suddenly revealed to be an intricate pattern of information that can only be understood as communication. Like one of those dot pictures that you stare out waiting for the moment when it "pops" and you can see the 3D picture within. The dots don't change, the picture doesn't change, it was there the whole time. It's just that one minute it's a mass of confusion and the next minute it's a carefully crafted work of art.

Our world was created perfect. Man was created perfect in body and soul. We had perfect capacity for understanding and communicating with each other, the world around us, and God. Then, the world was marred. We ruined it. Now the world, and all of us are twisted. The vestiges of residual glory are still all around us, but we are not what we were or what we will be. Like the man in the wheel chair. He was clearly a man with hands and feet, face and hair, but nothing was working quite right. He is a glorious ruin, a shadow of what we were meant to be. But he will not always be that way. One day He will be free. One day he will be perfect.

Jesus was perfect. He was perfect in body and soul. The world He lived in was the same twisted one that we inhabit, but He was not twisted. Then, in the passion on Good Friday, He was twisted and marred. His perfect body was torn, rent by the various instruments of cruel torture. He who knew no sin was made sin for us. The perfect sinless One was made imperfect and sin-full for us. On the cross Jesus was made sin. He was forsaken by God. He experienced the hellishness of separation from God that the rest of us experience our whole lives.

We no longer recognize the horror of it, because we have known nothing else. We can not imagine what it must have been like for Him. We are a world full of blind men. He could see, but was suddenly struck blind. Because we are all blind, we can hardly imagine what it would be to have sight. Then, the Seeing One came, and He explained the things we could not see. He offered to heal us so that we could see as well. But, we loved the darkness and so we sought to kill Him, to eliminate the One who exposed our blindness. That was good Friday.

But the beautiful surprise is that the story didn't stop on Good Friday. It continues and finds it's fruition on Resurrection Sunday. The Seeing One did not stay dead or blind. He conquered death and even now gives sight to the blind. His marring is our healing. By His stripes we are healed. He has conquered sin and death and has opened to us the way of the eternal kind of life. Man! We are all going to enjoy heaven!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Spiritual Retreat

I just got back from a 48 hour spiritual retreat. I have been trying to schedule these personal, generally silent, retreats for several years now. I find it really hard to carve out the time to do them, but I'm never sorry when I do. This retreat was no exception.

For this retreat, my wife and I went together, but decided not to talk with each other for the first 24 hours and then limited our conversation to what we were hearing and learning. Soon after I arrived I found myself simply enjoying the silence and the beauty of the rose garden. Then I noticed a rabbit sitting among the roses staring back at me. I don't know how long he had been sitting there, or how long I had been staring at him before I noticed him. I was immediately struck by the immediacy of God and the fact that every moment of every day is pregnant with the possibility of meeting with God. My problem is that I rarely slow down enough to be attentive. This was to be the theme for the retreat, as again and again, God popped up as I sat in silence, walked the grounds, read scripture, read good books, and spent time in prayer and contemplation.

I spent most of the weekend camped in Mark 10. I was drawn to it a few weeks prior when the phrase "What do you want me to do for you?" jumped of the page and became a very personal question. Jesus asks the question twice in the passage, once to James and John (who selfishly ask for glory) and once of blind Bartimaeus (who asks to see). I was struck by the parallels of the question and the divergence of response. Then, I had to answer the question. What is it that I want God to do for me? Not theoretically, but actually. The Lord of the Universe is actually present, standing before me always asking this question and waiting to give me everything that is really good for me.

This is the problem. God is not a vending machine, He is a good Father. He is not manipulated or controlled by us. He is wild and free...and good. He doesn't appear to me when I demand, but He is never distant. He denies James and John's request to sit at His right and His left, but He grants sight to the blind man. He is constantly available and is longing for the dialogue. The dialogue is the purist expression of faith. Even when He says "no" the beauty is that we can hear His voice. We can learn to speak His language and to hear His voice more readily if we will but take the time to be attentive and to believe that He wants to communicate with us.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

The Opposite of Faith

I recently had dinner with some old friends. I have known them for more than 10 years. As we talked it became clear that they no longer believe in Jesus. At one point they were involved in church, reading and praying daily, and doing all the things that we would normally expect to see in a growing Christian. Today they are wondering if it was all self-deception, if they just imagined that they experienced God. In short, they have lost their faith.

We talked for hours sharing our journey and listening to theirs. They shared about their frustrations with the church, the hypocrisy of their Christian friends, their doubts about the reliability of Scripture, and their apparent lack of loss and new found freedom as they have abandoned their faith. It is not that they are living lasciviously, or are abandoning their morality. It is simply that they do not have faith.

All of this has me reflecting on the nature of faith, and specifically wondering about the opposite of faith. My friends' journey away from God began with doubt. When they expressed their doubts to other Christians they were admonished to "have faith", to "believe and not to doubt". I am wondering if the opposite of faith is really doubt, and if the cure to doubt is to just believe. It seems to me that the opposite of faith might be apathy or inaction. My friends are now living lives apart from Christ because of their doubts. They have rightly identified real problems and as these difficult realities sowed doubts in their minds, they pulled back to investigate and to find out what was true. However, as they pulled back they didn't really plunge into the investigation, or devote themselves to the search, they simply stopped pursuing to see what would happen. When nothing "bad" happened, they figured it was all a sham.

As I reflect on my own journey I am struck that it is filled with periods of doubt and turmoil. I think that the difference is one of relationship and perhaps of activity. When I am struck by doubts and difficulties I tend to talk about these things with God and with those closest to me. This reaffirms my important relationships including my relationship with God, even as the doubts remain real and the difficulties may not dissipate. I don't think that my life will ever be free of doubts and puzzling paradoxes, but it seems that my faith is expressed when I choose to engage the doubts and wrestle with God about them. The talking with Him, the wrestling with Him, even the shouting at Him, are all actions that express faith. Withdrawing from Him and simply ignoring Him these are un-faith.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The Voice of God

I'm pretty sure I've written about this before, but I can't help writing about it again. I am reading in the Gospel of John right now and am repeatedly struck by Jesus relationship with the Father, and with all the references to voice and speaking.

Jesus clearly demonstrated an intimacy with the Father that far surpasses that of my own. My early training assured me that this was because He is God and that I should not expect that I will have personal communication with the Father. Just recently I heard a report that a respected teacher at my church publicly reaffirmed the position, namely that God does not speak to us personally now because He has given us the Scriptures. According to this position, that I thought was historical rather than current, God speaks to us today exclusively through His written Word.

This was a very comfortable position for me because it normalized my personal experience, or rather the lack there of, with God. I felt fine about not personally hearing from or interacting with God other than through the intellectual pursuit of knowledge through the Bible. I was not challenged to break through to an interactive, conversational relationship with God. Instead I was warned about people who pursued this path as fanatics, dreamers, and potential heretics. I did not object because I found the teaching to be reasonable and I trusted the teachers.

While I still respect my teachers and value the solid Biblical grounding that underpins my faith, I have found that my journey has led me to radically different conclusions. The more time I spend in the Gospels, the more it seems to me that God intends to interact with each of His children very personally. Is not this what we mean when we say that "Christianity is not a religion, it is a relationship"? I cannot tell you how many times I heard these words in the church growing up, but only now recognize the irony. We said the words, but denied the possiblity of any real relationship.

A relationship is a living and active thing. It is not enough to read about the interactions that God had with people to know Him personally. It is not enough to read the words He spoke to them, the ways that He interacted with them. I want to interact with Him. i want to hear His voice and do His will. I am pretty sure that is what Jesus promises to us.
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