I am afraid. I am afraid to write honestly about my experience of God. I am afraid to share my doubts and misgivings as well as my certainties. I am afraid to share about my sinful past, and my besetting sins that are with me even now. I am afraid that if I really write, really share who I am, if I commit it to the page, then I will be judged, ridiculed and mocked.
I don’t think that my fears are unfounded as it doesn’t take too much poking around on the internet to find a raft of websites that mock and defame any number of ministers and ministries. It is not that I am afraid of being wrong. I know that I’m wrong a lot of the time and that even some things that I once was confident about, I now shudder to think that I espoused. I am sure that I am wrong and I am open to correction. I don’t want to be wrong, I don’t like it, but it seems I can’t help it. I think the only way to become less wrong is to be honest about who you are and what you think, so that others can speak into your life. I want to be able to search for truth without being shouted at too much, and without being mocked. I don’t mind confessing my ignorance if I can receive knowledge in return rather than disdain.
So, I hesitate. I procrastinate. I believe that God has asked me to write, but I will do anything other than that. I will do research. I will adjust the layout of my blog. I will update and reboot my computer. I will do just about anything other than lay myself bare before the reading world.
The irony of all this is that virtually no one is reading what I write anyway.
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1 comment:
Just for the record (smile), you are being read...maybe it's ministry/writing to the "one" at the moment, but each post is prompting reflection and prayers.
Grateful,
C
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