Alone in a Crowd

As I write this, I am on a crowded train. People all around me studiously avoid eye contact with those not in their travel group.

We are all together, but not really. We are together, but not present.

Some read their papers. Some play with their phones. Others read books. I type on my computer.

The lady behind me is having a very personal conversation on her mobile phone. Her volume and cockney accent caught my attention at first, but when I realized the nature of her conversation, I put in my headphones and cranked up some Beethoven so as to not be privy to the information she shares with all of us, as well as the person on the other end of the phone.

It is as if the rest of us simply do not exist.

It reminds me of a Brian Regan comedy routine where he lampoons people he has observed for living in "You world" rather than the world the rest of us share.

I suppose that is the definition of inconsiderate. It is literally not considering, not thinking about, another. I don't believe it is done out of malice.

I guess this all strikes me particularly today because I am returning from a trip where much of my ministry flowed from the ministry of presence. My work began with being fully present in the moment, to God, to myself, and to others. From that place of presence, I was able to listen and care for people who needed it.

After several days of presence, the opposite is startlingly clear, almost shocking. And yet, God is present even here, while I am alone, with Him, in a crowd. So, I lean back in my seat, enjoying Beethoven's music and the presence of God.

Unexpected Beauty

While walking through the countryside the other day, I was struck by the beauty of a single daffodil springing from the base of a hedgerow. It was surrounded by wiry looking sticks and dying fern. The incongruous beauty of that bloom caused me to stop and notice.

As I enjoyed this glimpse of unexpected beauty, I felt called to reflect. I decided to look for those glimpses of beauty around me each day.

It has been amazing how simply choosing to look for beauty has opened my eyes, changed my perspective. I now find myself noticing beauty all around me. It's not that it wasn't there before. It's that I wasn't noticing because I wasn't looking for it. I am also noticing beauty amidst the death, decay, or general ugliness of life.

There is unexpected beauty to be found in surprising places if we will look for it.

I've started an instagram account specifically to try to capture some of these moments. I'm not much of a photographer, so you'll have to bear with me. But here is what I've found so far:TJ MacLeslie's Instagram pictures. 

Small Changes

My chin is cold.

I shaved my beard off today. It's been some years since my chin was last naked and exposed to the elements. It's not like I had a really thick beard, but somehow that little patch of hair has made a big difference where insulation is concerned. Just a small change, but my experience of the world is different.

That difference is dwarfed by the response of those around me. The loss of just a few inches of facial hair has caused people who have known me for years to double take. My children are not sure they are comfortable with the "new me." It's amazing how such a quick change (it took just minutes) has made such a big difference in how people perceive me.

All of this has me thinking. What small changes, small choices, am I making each day, and how are they impacting me? How are they impacting others?

What small actions am I doing, or not doing, that are shaping my life.

I think it was John Lennon who said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." I know that the trajectory of my life has been incredibly impacted my major events, but I am beginning to recognize that the small choices and changes have a huge impact over time.

Small choices can fan the flames of love or can cause my soul to grow cold...like my chin.

The Advent of Perspective

I love optical illusions.

I particularly enjoy them when I'm not expecting them. I like that moment of wonder and surprise when you find that the thing you were looking at is actually something else entirely. The moment when you suddenly see something that was there all along, but you never saw it before. It's a question of perspective.

The birth of Jesus was nothing of consequence from the perspective of the Roman Empire. Another Jewish boy born far from Rome, in an inconsequential corner of an unimportant province. Neither his mother, nor his father were anyone important. Another Jewish boy born to Judean peasants who paid very little in taxes and who would never trouble the might of Rome. Little did Rome know that this baby boy would change everything.

The birth of Jesus was a political threat to Herod. He saw a potential rival for the throne. Someone whom his enemies could use to displace him. A rallying point for the rabble, always looking for a messiah to rally around, someone to lead them against him and his Roman allies. Little did Herod know that this little boy was no threat to his throne. He wasn't born to assume political power or lead a violent revolution. He was a revolutionary, but He was after men's souls not their thrones.

The birth of Jesus was announced in the stars to those who knew where to look. Astrologers from the East searching the stars for answers had seen something that caught their eye. They set out on a quest to see for themselves this thing they had traced on their charts. Having met the baby born in a stable, they fell down and worshipped this unlikely King. They recognized what others had missed. It's difficult to say how much they understood, but they laid their treasures at His feet. 

What do you see when you look at Jesus? Is he of no consequence, someone not even worthy of your notice or attention? Is He a threat to you, someone you fear? Or, is He your King, worthy of your love, adoration, and worship? 

The Advent of Power

As we draw near to Christmas, we often see nativity scenes and sing songs that reflect on little baby Jesus. There is nothing wrong with drawing up beside the manger and gazing in wonder at God wrapped in the skin of a helpless, human baby. It is good and right that we wonder at His humility and this miracle.

But there is another side to this story.

The miracle of the incarnation is a moment of incredible power. It was a decisive event in the destiny of the universe, the turning point of history.

When Christ emptied Himself of His divine power and knowledge He performed a deed of breathtaking heroism. His submission in the incarnation was a heroic act of faith, and a dramatic step   in the war in heaven.

The Apostle John was given a vision of what was happening on a cosmic level in the birth of Jesus. He records his vision in the 12th chapter of Revelation. John saw Satan, the enemy of God and of man, trying to prevent the birth of the Christ child and to destroy him, but God preserved the baby's life and Satan was defeated. Notice that he was defeated at the birth of the child.

The birth of Jesus was a military victory in the battle between good and evil.

Is it any wonder that when the angels ambushed those unsuspecting shepherds that they were armed for battle. Luke describes the shepherds as being scared by the appearance of one angel, but imagine their terror when the sky is opened and they were suddenly confronted by a contingent of the heavenly army. One messenger angel was terrifying, I can't imagine the fear inspired by an angelic war host.

The Christmas story is not just about a humble carpenter and his virgin bride in a stable in Bethlehem. There is much more going on there than the simple surroundings would indicate.  This is a momentous occasion of great cosmic importance. The armies of heaven were literally present in Bethlehem that night. Only the shepherds got to see them, but they were there.

The lonely couple far from home, giving birth to this little baby, and laying him in a feeding trough were playing their part in one of the most powerful and pivotal moments of all time.

I wonder what is going on right now? What is God doing around us and through us if we could only see it?

Becoming Who I Am

Have you ever wondered who you are? Have you ever wondered about your real identity, the part of you that is deeper than your profession, your education, your culture, or your family of origin? Who are you at your core?

I had two dreams the other night. Not the kind of dreams that simply rehash the day's events. These dreams had a different quality to them. They felt different even in the midst of them, and they felt very different as I awoke and pondered on them. They have stayed with me for days now and the more I reflect on them, the more convinced I am that they were God dreams. 

The first dream was a long-forgotten incident from my past. A formative experience that gave me one of the labels that has hindered me in my process of becoming. I awoke from the dream wondering about it and was moved to prayer. I asked God about the significance of the event and why it came up at this time. I received no answer.

After falling back to sleep, I immediately had another dream. In this dream I was taking in immense power but was afraid to release the power. I was filled with incredible power by God, but didn't know what to do with it or how to use it in a way that wouldn't ultimately damage myself or others. Again, I awoke and turned to the Lord in prayer, asking for His guidance and interpretation.

It was then that He met me. 

As I prayed I was filled with a sense of His presence and power. I was moved as I felt Him confirming that the vision in the second dream was me. The first dream revealed the source of pain and the genesis of a lie that has bound me for years. The truth is that God has filled me with immense power, but my fears and insecurities keep this power from being expressed for His Kingdom. At first I was hesitant to accept this as true because it seemed self-aggrandizing.

As I spoke this out to the Lord, I suddenly realized that it is not. To recognize this truth about myself is to acknowledge that all of God's kids are similarly powerful. Our power, our gifts, are all different, but we are all uniquely created by Him and invested with tremendous power, the same power that raised Christ Jesus from the dead. All of God's kids are immensely powerful, we are partakers of the divine nature! 

But we are all living as less than we really are. We have been beaten down or tricked into believing that we are less than we are. We have been imprisoned by the lies we have believed about ourselves. The lies we drank down with our mother's milk. The lies specifically designed to keep us from realizing who we really are and becoming the powerful ministers we were designed to be.

As I lay there on my bed, wrestling with all of this, I felt like I was waking up for the first time, as if scales were falling from my eyes. I was beginning to grasp a new vision of myself, and all of God's children, through the eyes of God. I also saw all of the hurtful experiences falling into a pattern, a well designed scheme to ensnare and enslave me; experiences tailored to re-enforce the lies that kept me bound for years.

In my case, I believed that I was an embarrassment, not to be trusted, I was dangerous, and I was a failure. These lies have hindered me and kept me from seeing God as He really is and myself as I really am, and as I could be.

What are the lies keeping you from becoming who you are?

Life as a computer game

I think I learn more in the process of being a mentor than those I am serving. It is incredibly challenging and enriching to listen carefully to another human soul and share in their journey, then to listen carefully to what God might be saying or doing in their life. I see my role primarily as drawing the two into dialogue, the Spirit and the person sitting across from me. I'm a sort of relationship counsellor seeking to strengthen and encourage their relationship rather than inserting myself into it, or making the discussion about me. After the sessions, I continue to dialogue with God about what I have heard and their journey informs my own.

Yesterday, I had a wonderful conversation with a young man. As we talked about things in his life, an analogy came to mind...perhaps from the Spirit. It has stuck with me, haunting me for the last day or so. I found the metaphor of a computer game helped to create useful categories for the young man and for me.

Some computer games can be played in a single player mode or multi-player mode. In single player mode, you are the only sentient being in the whole world. All the other characters in your digital world are computer generated, they are Non-Player Characters, NPC's. NPC's exist only for you to interact with in one way or another, to people your world and make it more interesting in some way. There is little or no actually morality involved in how you interact with them as they are not people, they don't have feelings, they don't really exist, they are only bits of code written for the sole purpose of their relationship to you. 

In multi-player gaming their are other actual people involved. You share the digital world with other real people, player characters, PC's. PC's are also represented digitally, but behind the graphics is an actual person with feelings and desires. They may look exactly like a NPC, but the morality of it seems different. The fact that another real soul is involved makes the interactions more meaningful and interesting as well as less predictable. They are more real. 

As the young man and I talked, we agreed that we often find ourselves playing the game of life as if it is a single player game. We ascribe value to people based on their usefulness to ourselves. We interact with people around us as if they were NPC's performing functions, poplulating our world, but not as real souls. As I have continued to reflect on this, I have realized the strength of my natural tendency to go through my life as if it really were my life, my personal domain, as if others exist only in reference to me. 

The fact is that we live in a multi-player world. We are surrounded not with NPC's but with real people, real souls with their own stories. They are not minor players in our own story, but each person is a lead player in the story that God is writing in and through all our lives. We reduce people to stereotypes and two dimensional sprites and in doing so we treat them as something less than a real person. This depersonalization fundamentally fails to recognize the image of God in each person around us. 

There is something comfortable about a single player game. The rules are more simple and easier to understand. Once you figure out the predictable patterns, you can manipulate the world and master it, control it. Real people are wild cards. They can not be easily manipulated or controlled. No matter how well you understand them, they remain free-agents, unpredictable. They do the unexpected and can wreak havoc on your carefully constructed world. I understand the allure of single player games and enjoy them, but God did not design us, or the world, for single player gaming. He designed us for community and relationship with Him and with others.

We must shake ourselves out of this "single player" mentality! We must choose to live in the real world and recognize the multi-player nature of the world around us. It is a question of perception. We must choose to renew our minds day by day, to recognize the souls around us, across the kitchen table and across the checkout counter. In doing so, we open ourselves up to rich and meaningful interactions with them and with the One who created us all for life with Him and with one another. When we do this, we begin to enter into the real world, to live the eternal kind of life, the abundant life. The Kingdom of God really is within you. 

It's all about me

It is funny how easy it is for me to slip into a narcissistic perspective.  I all too easily become consumed with myself and lose my grasp on reality.  The more I focus on my fears and failures, or even my victories and virtues, the more warped my perspective becomes.

The fact is that the story of my life is a small part of a much grander story.  God is writing an epic story filled with love and hate, faithfulness and betrayal, a great adventure.  I have a part in the story, as we all do, but when I start thinking that it's all about me, I have lost the plot.  I make too much of myself.  I make to much of my gifts, my reputation, my sin, my insignificance, and my importance.  None of these things are the central truths of reality.  God alone stands at the center.  He is the hero of the story, not me.  He has written me into the story and I am valuable because He made me and loves me, but that doesn't make the story about me.

As I wrote my last post, I was wallowing in self-pity.  I was focusing only on myself and my experience.  Then, a surprising thing happened.  Someone reminded me that what I need to do is to make much of God, to focus on Him.  I cannot worry about the critics or the price that I might pay for obedience.  I must only draw near to God, and  do what He would have me do.  I wonder if great things are only possible when undertaken with self-forgetfulness?  Great battles are not won without sacrifice and there will be scars to bear.  If I trust that God really is working everything out for my good as well as the good of the Kingdom, then I can walk whatever path He lays before me.

I am so quick to forget!  I need to be reminded of the gospel.  I need to be reminded that it is all about God.  I need to be reminded that while I am a unique and valued child of the King, I am only one of many valued children.  He has a role for me to play, a part for me to fulfill, work for me to do.  I must do my part for the Kingdom to advance and for the King to get the glory that is due to His Name.  He'll take care of the rest, and as I lose myself in Him and the work He has for me to do, I become who I was created to be.