The Voice

I should be working today.

My desk is a mess. It's so bad that I am not even sitting there as I write this. I've moved into the other room. The problem is that I've been working in this room for a few days now, and I've pretty much destroyed this place too.

It tells me something about the state of my soul, when I allow my environment to disintegrate like this. But it doesn't feel bad. It feels like something is brewing, percolating, poking me.

But what? What is it?

I feel creativity rising up in me. I have felt it for weeks, although I haven't named it until this moment.
I now realize that I have been running from it.

But Why?

Because creativity is scary...at least to me. I feel this urge to create, but then I find myself struggling with my voices. The voices of my past, of my experiences, the voices in my head that come against creating. I recently marveled as I read Josh Irby describe these voices. I thought, "How does he know what happens when I try to create?"

It's not that I've been unhappy, or unhealthy. Aside from staying up a little too late and not getting as much sleep as I should, I've been fine. I've been experiencing God, loving my family, and doing my job. But I have also been trying to ignore The Voice.

There are times when The Voice is telling me to do something I don't want to do. I don't want to speak or to write. I don't want to risk. The voices tell me it is all for the best. I should just keep my head down, not aim too high, not venture too far. They are familiar, they comfort and cajole, they are part of me. When this wears thin, they do their best to intimidate and distract, but ultimately The Voice will be heard. The Voice is relentless.

The Voice invites me to be who He made me to be. The Voice invites me to create, and forces my creativity to the surface, the creative expressive part of me that He is redeeming, the best parts of me, the parts of me that are my own true voice. The Voice pushes and prods, making a way for me to approach the Throne of Grace and to take what I find there and to speak it, sing it, dance it, write it, to communicate it to the world.

Today, The Voice used a video by Dave Grohl (a video not for the faint of heart, but perfect for this old punk rocker) to remind me that my voice matters. To remind me that in choosing to create and express my voice there is freedom and power. The video itself felt like a distraction. But I was drawn to it, and couldn't stay away. In hindsight, I see that He was leading me to a voice that I would resonate with. Profane, but honest and insightful, He used Dave's voice to call forth my own.

So today I choose again to create and write, no matter what the critics think or the market will buy. The joy is in the journey not the response of the spectators. The victory is in the creating. But the greater victory is in harkening again to The Voice and enjoying the fellowship of the Spirit in this previously walled off area of my heart.

When?

The urge to create
The desire to imagine
The holy abandon
The joyful passion

When did I learn
Horses aren't green
Skies always blue
Reactions can be mean

When did I learn
My dancing isn't graceful
My words are unwelcome
Responses can be painful

When did I learn
To hide myself away
To learn to pretend
To don a mask each day

To protect my soul and my creations
To dodge the scorn I stop creating
To miss the mockery, shield flesh from thorn
I escape, procrastinate, and mourn

The Giver of All Good Things

It is funny the way that the Spirit will just tap you on the shoulder sometimes and point out a lesson that is right in front of your face.  It happened again on my walk this morning.  It involved the dog again.  I have been training her to respond to my command to "come" by rewarding her with a tasty treat when she does so.  This has been working wonders.  She has started to realize that when she obeys there is a really positive payoff.  She is starting to identify me as the giver of treats, and to come when I call.  I reward her for staying close to me with words and pats and with the occasional surprise from a pocket full of canine culinary delights.

I watched her this morning as she wandered father and farther away across a field.  Her nose was glued to the ground.  I called her.  She popped her head up and looked at me.  I called her again.  It was as if I could see the debate in her little doggy head.  Then, she took off like a rocket toward me.  She was about halfway towards me when she suddenly changed directions.  She shot off on a new trajectory.  Soon, she had her nose down in a pile of cow manure and was munching away.  I called her again, but she wasn't budging.  Again, and she popped her head up and looked at me inquisitively, as if surprised that I was still there.  Then, she bolted straight towards me.  She received her tasty treat when she arrived, albiet more carefully than usual as I didn't want a hand smeared with cow manure from her muzzle.

I was laughing about this scene when I felt a gentle poke.  I am just like the brute beast.  I know that God is the giver of all good things.  His pockets are bulging with things that delight me.  When I draw near to Him, He is quick with a word of affirmation and is so kind to me.  I love to be close to Him.  But then I catch of whiff of something.  I forget that He is there.  I wander off in curiosity.  I wonder about what this new smell might hold in store.  He lets me meander and perhaps a smile drifts across His face at my inquisitiveness or my enjoyment of the field where He has led me.

Then He calls me.  I become aware of Him again.  I remember what it is like to be near Him and I am off like a rocket towards Him.  Then, I catch a whiff of something else, and my pace towards him slakens, my concentration on Him is broken.  Quicker than I know it, I am off in a different direction, forgetting the gifts that He is holding for me.  He patiently, and sometimes urgently, calls me again.  Oh yeah, that's where I was going!  As I refocus on His face, I can hardly remember how I forgot, or how I failed to reach Him, and I am off again in pursuit of the One who loves me, the giver of all good things.

Fits and Starts

I have noticed that I live my life in fits and spurts. I tend to focus on something really well for a time, but eventually I get distracted. Unfortunately, this happens often in my pursuit of God. Something will remind me of the centrality of Christ, and for a time I will be intentional in my pursuit of Him. These spurts of spiritual pursuit are not bad in and of themselves, but I long for a more steady and sustained pursuit of Him over time. Eugene Peterson calls discipleship "a long obedience in the same direction". I can look back over many years now and see that the general trajectory of my life, for quite some time now, has been upwards towards Christ, but the path is more sporadic than I would like. I am too easily distracted by "lovers less wild". Oh my heart is prone to wander. May God bind my wandering heart to Him!

Faithfulness and Infidelity

If God is the center of my life, then why is it that I spend almost all day every day doing things that are only tangentially, at best, related to Him? Why do I live every day like a practical atheist? For all practical purposes I do what I want to do when I want to do it. This is very far from the model that I see in Christ and in others in scripture. Jesus is quite clear that both His words and his actions are from the Father. He even goes so far as to say that the Son can do nothing by Himself, but only that which He sees the Father doing.

I am SO far from this! I find that most of my life I live without any awareness of the spiritual world. I go through me day, eating and drinking, working and sleeping, like a man caught in the Matrix, as if everything around me is the “real” world and is very important. My interactions with others only serve to confirm me in my wrong-headedness . We all scurry around with our self-important tasks, when something massive, important, and REAL lurks just beneath the surface.

I know that God’s Holy Spirit is living in me, and I am more and more convinced that I grieve him many times every day. It is as if I am married and I have declared my love to my beloved, but everyday, hundreds of times a day my beloved reaches out to me, only to be repeatedly rebuffed and rejected as I quickly move past on my way from something to somewhere. I communicate time after time each day that my beloved is not important to me. I do not consult my beloved when I make my plans. I do not invite my beloved to come along and to participate in my activities. My spouse is so faithful and loves me so much and wounds me so little. My beloved is always there but rarely acknowledged, constantly serving but rarely thanked, repeatedly spurned but remains loyal and true.

My beloved has been cuckolded innumerable times by her chosen one in the history of the world, and in the daily history of my life. I have even asked my beloved to introduce me to the adulterous woman and to arrange for a meeting with her. I have begged my beloved to give me more resources to spend on my affairs. I have used the riches that my beloved has brought to me to spend them on fulfilling my own selfish desires. Daily I declare my love and remorse, but daily I return to my sin like a dog returns to his vomit. And then I wonder why I experience almost nothing of the sweet fellowship with my beloved that the scriptures and the great saints that have gone before me speak about.

Who can save me from this cycle of sin and death? Thanks be to Christ my Lord and Savior! He has purchased me back from sin and death. As many times as I disobey and offer myself back into slavery to sin, He redeems me and restores me. He pardons me and then tells me to go and sin no more. More than that, he give me the power to choose the good things that will strengthen my soul so that when the temptation comes again I will not be found weak and unaware. He charges me to remain alert and to seek Him first. He warns me that there is an enemy out there who is searching for someone to devour. He promises to never leave me or forsake me, but to be with me always. He gives me everything that I need for life and godliness. There is no good gift that He will withhold from me, but rather he delights to give all good gifts to His spouse. He is making me pure and blameless to present me to the Father. He is my lover, my brother, my father, my friend, my compatriot, my co-sufferer, my commander, my advocate, my redeemer. He is all that I need. I need only to listen to His voice and to learn to obey Him. I must hearken to his voice everyday and attune my ears to pick out his voice among the clamor of the day. Then… I must trust and obey.