Spiritual Retreat

I just got back from a 48 hour spiritual retreat. I have been trying to schedule these personal, generally silent, retreats for several years now. I find it really hard to carve out the time to do them, but I'm never sorry when I do. This retreat was no exception.

For this retreat, my wife and I went together, but decided not to talk with each other for the first 24 hours and then limited our conversation to what we were hearing and learning. Soon after I arrived I found myself simply enjoying the silence and the beauty of the rose garden. Then I noticed a rabbit sitting among the roses staring back at me. I don't know how long he had been sitting there, or how long I had been staring at him before I noticed him. I was immediately struck by the immediacy of God and the fact that every moment of every day is pregnant with the possibility of meeting with God. My problem is that I rarely slow down enough to be attentive. This was to be the theme for the retreat, as again and again, God popped up as I sat in silence, walked the grounds, read scripture, read good books, and spent time in prayer and contemplation.

I spent most of the weekend camped in Mark 10. I was drawn to it a few weeks prior when the phrase "What do you want me to do for you?" jumped of the page and became a very personal question. Jesus asks the question twice in the passage, once to James and John (who selfishly ask for glory) and once of blind Bartimaeus (who asks to see). I was struck by the parallels of the question and the divergence of response. Then, I had to answer the question. What is it that I want God to do for me? Not theoretically, but actually. The Lord of the Universe is actually present, standing before me always asking this question and waiting to give me everything that is really good for me.

This is the problem. God is not a vending machine, He is a good Father. He is not manipulated or controlled by us. He is wild and free...and good. He doesn't appear to me when I demand, but He is never distant. He denies James and John's request to sit at His right and His left, but He grants sight to the blind man. He is constantly available and is longing for the dialogue. The dialogue is the purist expression of faith. Even when He says "no" the beauty is that we can hear His voice. We can learn to speak His language and to hear His voice more readily if we will but take the time to be attentive and to believe that He wants to communicate with us.