Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Intentions and Actions

Actions speak louder than words. I remember hearing that a lot as a child. I remember wondering why my parents chose to spout that particular piece of homespun wisdom so often in my direction. I don’t wonder any more.

I have such good intentions, but my actions do not always reflect my intentions. I think that this has been a perennial problem for me. As long as I can remember I have had plans and intentions to do certain things and to accomplish goals. I am the master of fits and starts. I bolt out of the gate with zeal and passion only to founder as the finish line seems a bit too far, and hey look over there, that looks like fun, and pretty soon I am off track and the goal for which I had such enthusiasm has faded into the background of my life. I remember it with some guilt from time to time, but the momentum of my new interests or the inertia of my own laziness helps me to push it away.

So, are the intentions of my heart the most important thing, or is it my actions that are the key indicator of the true state of my heart. This morning as I was reading I was in Proverbs 20 and was struck by verse 11: Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is good and right. Then I was reminded of the Galatians 6 passage: “A man reaps what he sows” and “do not become weary in doing good.” Then, I am reminded of the final verse of Ecclesiastes which says that each man will be judged by God according to what we do whether it is good or evil. Then this reminded me of the Matthew passage where Jesus says that the only difference between the sheep and the goats was what they did and didn’t do.

At this point I realized that I was in serious trouble. My good intentions and professions of purpose were not the point. The Scriptures were clear that what I did was more important than what I said and were in fact my actions are the revealers of my heart. What I say and intend is not the important thing, not the thing that will be judged. My actions will be judged for my actions are the most clear and irrefutable proof of what is happening in my heart.

It’s true that our heart intentions are important. Obviously the same outward action can be motivated by good or evil intentions of or the heart depending on circumstances. For example in some circumstances it would be right and just according to the scriptures, and in other circumstances it would be wrong and an affront to God. I am not concerned about that at this point.

What concerns me is that I am aware of my weakness in a new way today. I am again faced with the fact that my parents knew me, and my Lord knows me, better than I know myself. Actions do indeed speak louder than words, or even intentions!

So, where do I go from here? Do I redouble my efforts by making a number of vows to do better in implementing my previous vows? Do I bolt out of the blocks on a new race for integrity of action and intention? I find myself somewhat paralyzed as I realize that the answer can not lie in the same pattern of good but uncompleted goals and intentions. I must find a new path forward.

It seems that part of the answer is found in another portion of Proverbs 20. Verse 25 warns us not to make vows rashly before the Lord. Could it be that all He really wants is for me to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with Him? Therein lies the rub! I want a meta-solution. It is exactly at this point where my problem lies. What I need to do is to spend time seeking Him each day. He has good works which He has prepared in advance for me to do. Before the foundation of the world He was loving me and designing me to accomplish His goals during my time here on earth. He has given me gifts and talents to use for Him and I would be foolish to let my intentions get in the way of what He has for me. I need to be with Him and to listen and obey. His yoke is easy and His burden is light, and I find that obeying Him leads me where I want to go anyway. Maybe not now, but ultimately.

Friday, March 3, 2006

Failing and Pressing On

Why do I want to beat myself up when I fail? Somehow I feel like I should be perfect like my Heavenly Father is perfect. These are Jesus’ words after all. I know that I do not measure up to this standard. So what is the point of this command? It can’t be that Jesus taught us this so that we would walk around all day striving for something unattainable in this life. It can’t be that he really expected us to be perfect as His heavenly Father is perfect. So what is it? Could it be that this command serves the same purpose as the Law? It must be that this command is meant to hold up the perfect standard and for us to see what we should be so that we will come to grips with our total inadequacy and to stop striving, but rather to throw ourselves upon His grace. If we say that we have no sin we deceive ourselves. We are all sinners, even when we are saints.

So what do I do with this? Do I just give up and wait for God to make me holy, like the man who sits on the couch watching an exercise video and waiting to get healthy? No, I must rise up and submit myself to the One who has begun a good work in me. He will be faithful to complete the work that He has started. He gave me a new heart and a new mind, but He cannot complete the work without my willing cooperation. My only part is to submit to Him. I must tune my ears, my whole being, to the voice of the Trainer.

He knows what my real potential is. He knows how far and how fast I can run now, and He knows how to push me to improve. He has achievable goals for me along the way, as well as an end goal in mind. He will not push me too hard, nor too little. He has the perfect training regimen for me, personalized for me. My path will not be the same as everyone else’s. He knows the places where my technique is limiting me, as well as the places where my mind, my thinking, is the only thing holding me back. He doesn’t expect me to reach the training goal today. In fact, He has set the goal out so far that I can’t possibly reach it today. He knows that I will fail. He expects it and He incorporates even that into the training process.

He does not want me to quit the training, or to punish myself for falling. He will discipline me when I need it, and He doesn’t need me to “spank” myself. If there is spanking to be done, He will do it. He is the perfect disciplinarian. He wants me to rise again to listen to His voice and to trust Him as He refines me. He wants me to walk in the freedom that He has for me; freedom to obey; freedom to walk with my head held high as a Son of the King should; freedom to stride confidently back to the line to run again. The athlete who falls and who is defeated is not eliminated or branded as a failure. He can and should rise again wiser and stronger than before. This process of failure, instruction, encouragement, and restoration is part of the right and normal cycle of life. I am being trained and this presupposes several things: First, that I require further training, I have not arrived. Second, that I am capable of more than I can accomplish currently, even more than I can imagine myself capable of. Third, that I must push myself to submit to the training to continue to move toward the prize. I must forget what is past while simultaneously gleaning the lessons to be learned and laying aside the guilt and shame of failure. God is working in me. He knows the way that my heart, mind, and body must be trained.

My responsibility is to rise again after each fall and to listen to the Trainer. He wants me to believe Him when He says that He loves me and is rooting for me even when I fail. He is for me. He has set developmental goals for me. I must rise again and again striving for the goals that He has set with trust and confidence in Him alone. I know that I will reach these goals because I can look back and see the ones He has brought me through and I can look ahead and see the One who completed the training. He will never leave me or forsake me. He will stay with me and continue to push me further than I thought I could go, even as I look ahead and see that the ultimate goal of perfection is so far from my current position. He will carry me along until I reach my heavenly home and eternal rest. Until that time I can forget what is behind and strain toward my high calling in Christ.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Training and Holiness

Somewhere along the line I learned that God has made me holy. He has called me His son and has imputed, reckoned, the righteousness of Christ to be mine. When He views me He sees me as holy because His Son was holy on my behalf. Christ’s death and resurrection have secured this positional holiness for me and it can never be lost. But what I long for is the experiential holiness; the joy producing freedom that comes from real, humble, obedient, holiness in this life.

That’s where the problem comes in. I want the intimacy, freedom and joy that comes with holiness, but the path is through humility and obedience; the two things that are most difficult for me. Maybe it’s hard because I am an American and was raised with a none-to-humble awareness of my own abilities and a confidence (perchance arrogance) that says that nothing is impossible. I have rarely been plagued by self-doubt. Maybe it’s because I am human. What human likes to submit, to obey, to humble themselves before another. Whatever the reason, I know that I find humility absolutely humiliating. I want to be the captain of my ship, the master of my destiny. I want to submit to no man, to no one. I know that this is silly and stupid. Everyone serves someone. The real question is whom will I serve. Before whom will I bow in humble submission?

I make the choice countless times a day to submit to God, and then find myself drifting inexorably back to self will and the fear of man. It is simply unnatural for a man to submit. That is the root of sin, is it not? It is pride. It is the belief that I know better; I know best. In the garden Adam and Eve bought the lie that God was trying to rip them off, to keep something good from them. All of their children have been born with this inherent (genetic?) disposition to sin, to doubt, to disobey. Why is it that I have to work so hard to train my children to obey, to submit, but that self-will comes so naturally? I have only to look in the mirror for the answer. For I am just as much a son of Adam as they are!

So the answer is training. The path of holiness, intimacy with God, joy, requires discipline and stamina; these are learned traits, not natural ones. I don’t know how many times I have “turned over a new leaf” only to whither and drop again. I get sick of myself, my failure, but God never gets sick of me. He knows exactly where I am in the process. He knows what I am capable of in Christ and also that I need to continue to train to get there. He doesn’t expect me to win the race today, but he does expect me to trust Him, to not give up, and to keep training. The image of the disapproving and disgusted parent is not from Him. He is the perfect parent, the perfect coach, the perfect role model. He has run the race before me.

He learned obedience through suffering. He ran the race and finished strong, but it was hard. He had to empty Himself and to humbly submit even when He walked through the valley of the shadow of death, entrusting Himself to the One who holds the future. He is the player coach. He ran the race and understands what it takes to run and to win because He did it. Now He ever lives to make intercession for us and He promises to always be with us and to never leave us. At every step my coach runs alongside me. His power is available to me. That is my only hope. When I fall and when I want to quit He is there. He knows what it is like to be human. He too grew in wisdom and stature. He is not disappointed when I miss the mark because His expectations for me are based on Reality. He knows how weak I am, but He is working with me to help me to grow stronger. He is at work in me as I work out my salvation with fear and trembling. This all requires more faith, more trust than I have. I have to trust that the Coach knows what He is doing. He wants me to change my swing, to adjust my grip, but it is hard to do that when my way of doing things has “worked for me” so far. So, today I choose again to submit to the coach. To believe that He is not out to get me. He does know what is best and I can submit to Him adopt His training goals and regime. I will wait on Him to see what will be produced in my life. I hope He knows what He’s doing. I believe He does.

Friday, February 3, 2006

The Paradox of Freedom

Freedom. I hear this word a lot in the news these days. It is the reason cited for all kinds of actions by all kinds of people from presidents to Palestinians, from perverts to Prime Ministers. Everybody wants freedom and everyone seems to be defining freedom according to their own desires. What is freedom? Is it simply the right to do whatever you want? That seems to be the common American definition. “I can do whatever I want!” is the cry of Western freedom. The problem with defining freedom that way is that what I “want” may or may not be good for me or for others. The pursuit of what I “want” may in fact lead me into slavery. Choices have consequences. We will reap what we sow. Is freedom the right to do whatever I want?

The World and my flesh agree that freedom is to do whatever you feel like doing, but that path leads only to death and destruction. The problem is that my desires are warped. To give into my base desires will prevent my soul from taking flight. I would be mired in addictions and selfishness. Where is the freedom in that?

There are so many lies that taste so good in our mouths. They look so sweet and satisfying; they are sweet on the tongue, but sour in the stomach. More than that, the more you eat these sweet lies, the more you want. The hunger grows in intensity the more you strive to satiate it. True food for the soul is sweet and satisfying. True food is to do the will of the Father, not out of guilt or compulsion, but out of trust. True intimacy and love leads to satisfaction and security. The false, the counterfeit, can be clearly recognized by the results it produces in the lives of those who strive after it. Ever hungry, ever dissatisfied, their striving never ceases as they continue to glut themselves on the very thing that drives their appetites to new heights.

My mind and body have been trained to think and respond to the world in ways that are self-centered and often delusional. The fact is that I do not rightly perceive the reality around me. I am like a man boldly striding through the fog; claiming to see, I am unaware of the perils or the blessings that surround me. As I wander through the fog I run into others. They encourage me that we are heading the right direction; blind guides leading the blind. My only real hope is to recognize and embrace the reality of my blindness and to trust in God as my friend and only reliable guide. He knows what is true and He knows the right path. He promises to lead me on the right path if I will trust in Him.

The paradox of freedom is that the experience of freedom that our hearts long for is only found through humble submission. When I sow obedience I reap freedom. True freedom is to trust God and to walk in His ways.

Freedom is both a choice and an experience. Most often the “struggle for freedom” is directed toward the external world, but I find that my struggle is more internal. I am struggling to find freedom from internal forces, compulsions, urges from my flesh. The other day I experienced freedom from compulsion through most of the day. I went through the day without experiencing the urge to do something that would lead me back into slavery. Then, later in the evening I felt the urge to sin rising in me. I had to choose to resist. The choice to stay in the light when the darkness beckons doesn’t feel like freedom. It is a difficult struggle. But it is the choice that makes the experience of freedom possible.

I reject the false freedom that the World strives after and holds out as the highest goal. I choose to trust and serve the Almighty God and to follow Him. Taste and see that He is good and satisfying. All His ways are good and true freedom is found in His service.
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