The Wrestling Match

Well, my fast is over and my heart has been tenderized. Last night the Lord met me in a most unexpected way. I was praying for intimacy and blessing, and He answered, but in a way that leaves me grateful but a aching a bit.

I was reading "the Voice of Jesus" by Gordon T. Smith. I was reading about the various ways that the Holy Spirit meets with us. As I was reading and reflecting on the role of the Spirit I was suddenly aware of some really ugly spiritual pride that I have allowed to grow unchecked in my heart in the last few months. I have been judging others harshly, in my own mind, in an effort to protect myself by invalidating their perspectives and defending myself and my ideas. I have subtly been exalting myself and devaluing others. I have even gone as far as using sarcasm and scorn to recruit others to my low opinion of others.

I was crushed. I was sickened when I realized how long this has been going on and how insidious this sin was. I am once again impressed with my ability to deceive myself and rationalize my sin.

I am SO grateful that He met me and exposed my heart. He has graciously peeled back another layer and exposed the infection to the cleansing light of His love. As I was reflecting on whether this was the end of the wrestling match, or if I should continue the fast, I was reminded of the end of the original wrestling match between Jacob and God. It ended when God touched Jacob's hip and wounded him. So, I have decided that this match is over and God won. The beauty of it is, that when God wins I win because He is for me.

Expectations

I am in the first day of my fasting and prayer in pursuit of God. I want to quiet myself before Him, and to not let go of Him until He blesses me.

On the other hand, I'm wondering what my expectations should be. I don't know if I'm desiring a level of intimacy and connection that will only be available to me in heaven. I don't know if I'm being selfish and demanding. I want Him to meet with me. I want to hear from Him. I have had that experience before, but I feel like this time I am more desperate. I wonder if I'm pushing myself too hard in seeking something that is unrealistic. I know that I haven't pushed myself much at all.

This morning as I was wondering about this I was reminded of 1 Tim. 4:7b-8. "...train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come." I know that I have spent precious little effort training myself to be godly. So, while I don't know where this will lead, I feel like it's time for me to take this training seriously.

Desperate for God

Today I spent a couple of hours on my face before God. I read scripture, journaled, and sat in silence before Him. I told Him that I was desperate for Him to meet with me, to manifest Himself to me, to show Himself to me. I am desperate for answers to questions, but more than that, I'm desperate to meet with Him. I felt this SO keenly today. I do not feel like He is hiding, nor silent, but neither is He speaking to me as I have experienced Him in the past.

As I lay before Him today I wrestled with my desire for Him. I feel like my desperation needs to be expressed in more than just words. I hunger and thirst for Him. I will be the importunate widow who will knock and ask, and ask again, until He grants my request...until He meets with me and tells me His will for me. And so, I will fast and pray. I will quiet myself and fast from media as well as food. I will seek Him with all that I am. Surely He will meet with me. It's time for more than words.