The Voice

I should be working today.

My desk is a mess. It's so bad that I am not even sitting there as I write this. I've moved into the other room. The problem is that I've been working in this room for a few days now, and I've pretty much destroyed this place too.

It tells me something about the state of my soul, when I allow my environment to disintegrate like this. But it doesn't feel bad. It feels like something is brewing, percolating, poking me.

But what? What is it?

I feel creativity rising up in me. I have felt it for weeks, although I haven't named it until this moment.
I now realize that I have been running from it.

But Why?

Because creativity is scary...at least to me. I feel this urge to create, but then I find myself struggling with my voices. The voices of my past, of my experiences, the voices in my head that come against creating. I recently marveled as I read Josh Irby describe these voices. I thought, "How does he know what happens when I try to create?"

It's not that I've been unhappy, or unhealthy. Aside from staying up a little too late and not getting as much sleep as I should, I've been fine. I've been experiencing God, loving my family, and doing my job. But I have also been trying to ignore The Voice.

There are times when The Voice is telling me to do something I don't want to do. I don't want to speak or to write. I don't want to risk. The voices tell me it is all for the best. I should just keep my head down, not aim too high, not venture too far. They are familiar, they comfort and cajole, they are part of me. When this wears thin, they do their best to intimidate and distract, but ultimately The Voice will be heard. The Voice is relentless.

The Voice invites me to be who He made me to be. The Voice invites me to create, and forces my creativity to the surface, the creative expressive part of me that He is redeeming, the best parts of me, the parts of me that are my own true voice. The Voice pushes and prods, making a way for me to approach the Throne of Grace and to take what I find there and to speak it, sing it, dance it, write it, to communicate it to the world.

Today, The Voice used a video by Dave Grohl (a video not for the faint of heart, but perfect for this old punk rocker) to remind me that my voice matters. To remind me that in choosing to create and express my voice there is freedom and power. The video itself felt like a distraction. But I was drawn to it, and couldn't stay away. In hindsight, I see that He was leading me to a voice that I would resonate with. Profane, but honest and insightful, He used Dave's voice to call forth my own.

So today I choose again to create and write, no matter what the critics think or the market will buy. The joy is in the journey not the response of the spectators. The victory is in the creating. But the greater victory is in harkening again to The Voice and enjoying the fellowship of the Spirit in this previously walled off area of my heart.

Playing with God

This morning I find myself wondering about how to more fully integrate God into the playful side of my life.  I am a pretty playful person by nature.  I like to tease and joke.  I like to play cards and boardgames.  I enjoy video games and computer games.  I generally just enjoy playing.  I know how God's standards inform my choices about leisure activity, that I should only let my mind dwell on things that are true, noble, right, lovely, admirable, and worthy of praise.  It's the actual playing that puzzles me.

I am not struggling with picturing God as happy or joyful, or even laughing, but I am having a hard time picturing Jesus engaging in the kind of  frivolous pastimes that I enjoy.  I can picture Him enjoying creation, or enjoying the joy of His creatures, but I have a hard time picturing Jesus playing football, Playstation, or even checkers.  I can picture Him preaching and praying.  I can picture him serving and healing.  I can picture Him eating and sleeping.  I just can't quite see him playing, and this puzzles me and makes me sad.  Did Jesus ever just take some "down time"?  What did He do for fun?

Over the weekend, my son and I spent hours playing a variety of games together, everything from checkers, to Playstation, to Civilization on the PC.  I can picture God enjoying us enjoying each other, but what about when I just play a game by myself?  Does God smile on that?  Does He enjoy me enjoying the game?  Does He enjoy me enjoying the challenge, the problem solving?  Or does He think it's all a waste of time and that I should be doing something productive, of eternal value?  I know that I need a certain amount of just plain fun in my life, but I find myself feeling guilty about it.  I can't believe that the guilt is from God, but I can't quite dismiss it either.

The Opposite of Faith

I recently had dinner with some old friends. I have known them for more than 10 years. As we talked it became clear that they no longer believe in Jesus. At one point they were involved in church, reading and praying daily, and doing all the things that we would normally expect to see in a growing Christian. Today they are wondering if it was all self-deception, if they just imagined that they experienced God. In short, they have lost their faith.

We talked for hours sharing our journey and listening to theirs. They shared about their frustrations with the church, the hypocrisy of their Christian friends, their doubts about the reliability of Scripture, and their apparent lack of loss and new found freedom as they have abandoned their faith. It is not that they are living lasciviously, or are abandoning their morality. It is simply that they do not have faith.

All of this has me reflecting on the nature of faith, and specifically wondering about the opposite of faith. My friends' journey away from God began with doubt. When they expressed their doubts to other Christians they were admonished to "have faith", to "believe and not to doubt". I am wondering if the opposite of faith is really doubt, and if the cure to doubt is to just believe. It seems to me that the opposite of faith might be apathy or inaction. My friends are now living lives apart from Christ because of their doubts. They have rightly identified real problems and as these difficult realities sowed doubts in their minds, they pulled back to investigate and to find out what was true. However, as they pulled back they didn't really plunge into the investigation, or devote themselves to the search, they simply stopped pursuing to see what would happen. When nothing "bad" happened, they figured it was all a sham.

As I reflect on my own journey I am struck that it is filled with periods of doubt and turmoil. I think that the difference is one of relationship and perhaps of activity. When I am struck by doubts and difficulties I tend to talk about these things with God and with those closest to me. This reaffirms my important relationships including my relationship with God, even as the doubts remain real and the difficulties may not dissipate. I don't think that my life will ever be free of doubts and puzzling paradoxes, but it seems that my faith is expressed when I choose to engage the doubts and wrestle with God about them. The talking with Him, the wrestling with Him, even the shouting at Him, are all actions that express faith. Withdrawing from Him and simply ignoring Him these are un-faith.

Oh Me of Little Faith

I have had several situations recently that have revealed to me how weak my faith really is. Recently, I have experienced a number of disappointing, frustrating, and downright painful things in my life. As these things have happened, I find myself struggling to really trust God. The details of the situations are not important, but what they have shown me about myself and about God is vitally important. It's not that I'm in danger of walking away from Christ, but rather that I am realizing how superficial my trust is.

When things are going well and seem to be progressing as I had imagined, or hoped, then my faith seems steady and unassailable, but when things take an unexpected and disappointing turn I find myself slipping. I find anger welling up inside. I find myself wanting to escape from reality and to deny my feelings. I find myself not actually trusting.

It's easy for me to talk about faith when none is required, but it is harder when I pray and the things I ask for don't happen. I find it hard to trust that God is for me and is working all things together for my good and for the good of the Kingdom when what I want and what He wants don't seem to be the same thing. On some level I want what He wants, but on another level I really want what I want. I'm pretty sure that I know best. I don't trust Him when He doesn't do what I want.

Like a petulant child I find myself pouty and grumpy when I ask for something that I think should be granted. Imagine the temerity of God not to listen to me and do what I ask. How dare He!?! The fact is, that something very like this happens in my heart. It seem heretical to write it or to acknowledge it, but that's where I am in my journey. I suppose it is good to have the state of my heart revealed and to find out that my faith really is considerably smaller than a mustard seed. It does not feel good, but it is good.

I take comfort in the fact that there are many of little faith who have gone before me and who have shown that faith can in fact grow. More than that, I take comfort in the promise that faith is a gift of God, not a result of works. So, I can (and do) ask God to give me more faith so that I might trust Him better and bring Him more glory. I'm sure this is a request that He will not deny.

The Stations of the Cross

I walked the stations of the cross today. I am staying at a monastery for a couple of days of spiritual retreat. This morning I took a prayer walk along a path that was puncuated periodically with stations to remind one of the various things that Christ endured surrounding the cross. The first one is his judgement by Pontious Pilot and the last one is being laid in the grave.

As I walked this dusty dirt path I found my mind being drawn into the story. I found myself asking Jesus what it was like. What was it like for you, the Righeous King of the Universe to be judged and falsely condemned by a governor of a small provence in a small empire on a tiny planet on the fringe of a small galaxy? What was it like for you to be abandoned by your friends. How did you do it? How did you endure the scorn, the shame, the unrighteous judgement, the beatings, the mocking, the hatred the scourgings, the crown of thorns, the weight of the cross, the nails, the debasement of the cross, the objectification, the vilification.

As I reflected on these questions it occured to me that Jesus endured it all because He trusted His Father. Even in the midst of the chaotic evil that surrounded Him, He trusted the Father. We know that He didn't want to go to the cross and that He begged His Father to take it away, but then He submitted to the will of the Father. He believed that He is and that He is the rewarder of those that earnestly seek Him.

The cross was not just a victory over sin and death, but also the victory of faith over flesh. Jesus, fully man, was obedient to death, even death on a cross. He fought the fight against His flesh and His fears and He showed us that it is possible. He showed us the way of victory over the flesh. Then, the Father showed us that it was worth it. After Jesus endured the cross scorning it's shame he was exalted and seated at the right hand of the Father. Absolute surrender and trust does not mean a glorious or peaceful life in thie world, but it does mean glory for God and life with Him eternally. At His right hand are pleasures forever more. He will not fail to reward those who earnestly seek Him. Jesus showed us the way.

The Wrestling Match

Well, my fast is over and my heart has been tenderized. Last night the Lord met me in a most unexpected way. I was praying for intimacy and blessing, and He answered, but in a way that leaves me grateful but a aching a bit.

I was reading "the Voice of Jesus" by Gordon T. Smith. I was reading about the various ways that the Holy Spirit meets with us. As I was reading and reflecting on the role of the Spirit I was suddenly aware of some really ugly spiritual pride that I have allowed to grow unchecked in my heart in the last few months. I have been judging others harshly, in my own mind, in an effort to protect myself by invalidating their perspectives and defending myself and my ideas. I have subtly been exalting myself and devaluing others. I have even gone as far as using sarcasm and scorn to recruit others to my low opinion of others.

I was crushed. I was sickened when I realized how long this has been going on and how insidious this sin was. I am once again impressed with my ability to deceive myself and rationalize my sin.

I am SO grateful that He met me and exposed my heart. He has graciously peeled back another layer and exposed the infection to the cleansing light of His love. As I was reflecting on whether this was the end of the wrestling match, or if I should continue the fast, I was reminded of the end of the original wrestling match between Jacob and God. It ended when God touched Jacob's hip and wounded him. So, I have decided that this match is over and God won. The beauty of it is, that when God wins I win because He is for me.

Faithfulness and Infidelity

If God is the center of my life, then why is it that I spend almost all day every day doing things that are only tangentially, at best, related to Him? Why do I live every day like a practical atheist? For all practical purposes I do what I want to do when I want to do it. This is very far from the model that I see in Christ and in others in scripture. Jesus is quite clear that both His words and his actions are from the Father. He even goes so far as to say that the Son can do nothing by Himself, but only that which He sees the Father doing.

I am SO far from this! I find that most of my life I live without any awareness of the spiritual world. I go through me day, eating and drinking, working and sleeping, like a man caught in the Matrix, as if everything around me is the “real” world and is very important. My interactions with others only serve to confirm me in my wrong-headedness . We all scurry around with our self-important tasks, when something massive, important, and REAL lurks just beneath the surface.

I know that God’s Holy Spirit is living in me, and I am more and more convinced that I grieve him many times every day. It is as if I am married and I have declared my love to my beloved, but everyday, hundreds of times a day my beloved reaches out to me, only to be repeatedly rebuffed and rejected as I quickly move past on my way from something to somewhere. I communicate time after time each day that my beloved is not important to me. I do not consult my beloved when I make my plans. I do not invite my beloved to come along and to participate in my activities. My spouse is so faithful and loves me so much and wounds me so little. My beloved is always there but rarely acknowledged, constantly serving but rarely thanked, repeatedly spurned but remains loyal and true.

My beloved has been cuckolded innumerable times by her chosen one in the history of the world, and in the daily history of my life. I have even asked my beloved to introduce me to the adulterous woman and to arrange for a meeting with her. I have begged my beloved to give me more resources to spend on my affairs. I have used the riches that my beloved has brought to me to spend them on fulfilling my own selfish desires. Daily I declare my love and remorse, but daily I return to my sin like a dog returns to his vomit. And then I wonder why I experience almost nothing of the sweet fellowship with my beloved that the scriptures and the great saints that have gone before me speak about.

Who can save me from this cycle of sin and death? Thanks be to Christ my Lord and Savior! He has purchased me back from sin and death. As many times as I disobey and offer myself back into slavery to sin, He redeems me and restores me. He pardons me and then tells me to go and sin no more. More than that, he give me the power to choose the good things that will strengthen my soul so that when the temptation comes again I will not be found weak and unaware. He charges me to remain alert and to seek Him first. He warns me that there is an enemy out there who is searching for someone to devour. He promises to never leave me or forsake me, but to be with me always. He gives me everything that I need for life and godliness. There is no good gift that He will withhold from me, but rather he delights to give all good gifts to His spouse. He is making me pure and blameless to present me to the Father. He is my lover, my brother, my father, my friend, my compatriot, my co-sufferer, my commander, my advocate, my redeemer. He is all that I need. I need only to listen to His voice and to learn to obey Him. I must hearken to his voice everyday and attune my ears to pick out his voice among the clamor of the day. Then… I must trust and obey.