More

My family likes to joke. We like a bit of good natured teasing about our idiosyncrasies and the funny things we do.

One of the sayings that we have adopted to poke fun at my general approach to life is: "If one is good, two is better. If two is better, then three is outstanding. If three is outstanding then four is just great!"

I am a person who always thirsts for more. It is deep in me. I see it in all areas of my life. It's not a choice I make, it is core to who I am to want more. There is a passion and extremeness inside of me that is just there. I didn't put it there, I don't know how it got there, but it's there. It's not always a bad thing as it has propelled me forward in my relationship with God and to attempt things that others might not.

The Enneagram has been a helpful tool for me to understand this aspect of my personality. I have found other personality/temperament tools helpful for other reasons, but this aspect of me was never adequately addressed through the DISC, the MBTI, or the Kolbe. Don't get me wrong, I have profited from all of these, but this core aspect of me was inadequately explained.

A few years ago a friend introduced me to the Enneagram and I began to wrestle with the definitions. The model has 9 core personality types. One of the key ways to identify your type is to look at all of them and identify the one that repulses you most. That is probably you, the one that includes your core sinful predisposition. The one you don't want to be. The negative traits of other types actually seem less negative than the one your left with.

This is hard, but Enneagram is a useful tool for spiritual formation in that it pushes you to identify your core disposition  the good the bad and the ugly. Who wants to stand up and say, "Hi I'm an Eight and my core sin is lust!" Even worse is when some else says, "Oh yeah, you're an Eight all right. Lust is totally your thing...lust and confrontation!"

So, I'm an Eight. Now what!?

While the Enneagram identifies your weaknesses, it is essentially a tool for self-awareness and growth. By giving me awareness and understanding I can choose to grow. I can choose to stop acting in ways that re-enforce the negative aspects of me and to cultivate the opposite traits, while not losing the positive elements that accompany my type.

So why am I writing about this today. Because I have been puzzling over certain behaviours and wondering what drives me. Specifically, last night I stayed up until 4AM. No good reason. I just didn't feel tired. So, I read a little, researched some, watched some videos, and generally just puttered around until 4AM. I wasn't doing anything bad, just not going to bed because I wasn't "tired".

Today I'm tired. I sat down with the Lord this morning and my reading was in Matthew 11 where Jesus invites those who are weary to come to Him and rest. That sounded really good this morning, but why didn't it sound good last night? As I sat there pray-pondering it occurred to me that I have redefined tired as exhausted. I don't feel "tired" until I am well beyond actual tiredness and I'm at total exhaustion.

As I pondered this, I suddenly realized that this too is a part of being an Eight. I started to take stock of my life and realize that I tend to redefine everything in the extreme. At meals I push right past satiated to stuffed. I zoom past tired on the way to exhaustion. I don't go for a short walk, I walk for miles. I don't do a little gardening; once I'm started, I garden for hours.

So, today I am aware in a new way, and because I am aware I have choices to make. I can choose moderation. I can try to rediscover normal tiredness. I can choose not to push myself or others to extremes but can choose moderation and relaxation.

This seems to be the call of God for me today. I'm just glad he showed up this morning. He's good like that.

What to do

I find myself wondering what to do.  I have been burdened, terribly burdened lately.  Most of the burdens I have been bearing are not my own, but those of people that I love.  As a minister, I am involved in the lives of people, and most people, myself included, are broken.  Most of us are not tremendously broken, we manage to go on day to day just fine, we're just a little cracked.  But a few situations lately have led me into the valley of suffering with some friends.  They have been mourning and I have been mourning with them.  I also have tremendous opportunities to rejoice with those who rejoice, but recently there has been more mourning.

But lately I have been bearing another burden, a burden with not one name but with many names.  A burden about organizational sin rather than individual sin.  I have seen a creeping evil, an insidious foe arise.  It looks good, it feels familiar, and yet it is wrong.  I struggle how to name the it...institutionalism, deception, selfish ambition, quenching the spirit?  I'm not sure exactly how to name it, but it is clear as day when you see it.   It is like eating horse meat.  It looks pretty similar to beef.  I can't really describe the difference between beef and horse, but you know the difference when it's in front of you.  It is so similar, but it looks a little different, it smells a little different, it tastes a little different.

So here is my dillema...what do I do about what I see.  I have asked God to do something about it.  I asked Him to have others speak up.  They have...but it continues.  I asked Him to expose it, to let others see it.  They have...but it continues.  I asked Him to put a stop to it.  He did not...and so it continues.  Now I am wondering what I am supposed to do.  I know I am supposed to pray, and I am doing that.  I am wondering if I am to do something else, something more active.  Is there not a time to stand up and do something?  Is this such a time for me?  Would it matter if I did?  It's not that I have much to lose, but I don't see much point in investing myself in this fight if it won't do any good.  It is so draining to invest so much energy in intercession, only to see the cogs of soul numbing, God diminishing, machinery continue to chug along.  But how does the machine get stopped if no one stops it?  Is this my fight?

The more I pray about this, the more I feel like my role is more Moses than Joshua.  When the Israelites fought the Amalekites Joshua went into the valley while Moses went up on a hill overlooking the valley.  While Joshua unsheathed his sword and went into battle, Moses stood on the hill interceding for the armies of the Lord.  As much as I want to be down in the valley in the thick of the fight I feel like His call for me is stay up on the hill with my arms lifted in prayer.  So, here I stand, even as my arms grow tired.