Information Junkie

I am an information junkie. I want to know things. I want to understand what is happening in the world around me. I want to understand the past. I want to track the present. I am almost constantly seeking out knowledge, researching something. It's not all bad, but I believe that part of what drives me in this is my desire for control. On some level I believe that it is up to me to make sure I don't miss the good, or that I will be responsible if something preventable and bad happens.

It may sound crazy, but I think that if I understand the past and the present that I will be able to predict the future; not in a mystical sort of way, but by connecting the dots and seeing the big picture, seeing the trajectory of events. I still don't completely understand where this started in my heart or why I am compelled in this way, but I feel it deep in my soul. I don't want to be caught unaware, or flat footed. I want to be able to see threats and opportunities. I want to be competent. I want to be "on top of things". I want to make good decisions.

I believe that some of this is from God, a part of the way that He made me; however I think that it can also be twisted. I think part of it is fear based. Fear that I (or those I love) will be hurt if I fail to be vigilant. I'm afraid that something will happen that I could have, should have, foreseen. I am afraid that if I let down my guard, I will be taken advantage of, or I will become a victim of something that "I should have seen coming". On some level I seek to be God, and fail to trust Him. Even as I write this, I remember.

I remember being victimized. I remember a leader, a friend, who took advantage of me as a boy and who wounded me deeply. He was a leader in the church. I remember kicking myself (not literally) and condemning myself and my failure to see it coming. I remember vowing that I wouldn't be taken in again. I wouldn't be fooled again. It started back then. The tendency to try to peer past the surface of things, try to discern what is going on at a deeper level so that I can protect myself. Is even this a gift from God?

God says that He is working all things together for good. Is my propensity for research and reflection a gift from God? I think it is, but it is also, at least in part, a result of the abuse I suffered as a boy. Because of what happened there is a wounded part of me. A part that fails to believe that He really is in control or that He really is going to take good care of me. I wonder what it would look like for me to really trust Him. How might my ability to take in and analyze data be used by Him rather than being a tool of my fears or desires. What would this gift from Him look like if fully redeemed and set free?