Music Moves Me

I know that I am not the only one who is moved by music. It seems that we have an almost limitless ability to create and enjoy music. It seems odd to me that this nearly universal truth serves as yet another way that we categorize each other and divide amongst ourselves. But that's another blog.

Today something reminded me of Johnny Cash and his cover of Trent Reznor's song, "Hurt". I watched the powerful video and marveled at Johnny singing the song with feeling and authenticity as images of his life play across the screen. It is a sort of confession, an admission of guilt, perhaps an apology for those that He has hurt through the years.

Later in the day I was reminded of a song "I will arise and go to Jesus". I remember first hearing this song on a Julie Miller album when I was at university. I remember walking to class with my headphones on, marvelling at the simplicity and mystery of a relationship with God.

Both songs are haunting and minor. Both acknowledge our brokenness as people. I am genuinely moved by both of them. There is something very powerful about sharing the dark parts of our journey as well as the lighter portions. It is good to know that we are not alone in our hurts and our fears, that there are others who have walked a similar path.

In the end, I find the "I will arise" carries me further down the road. It acknowledges the hurt but doesn't leave me there. It goes beyond hopelessness and issues an invitation to look beyond the pain. While acknowledging our helplessness, it also points to the One who can help.

I am moved by songs that help me to embrace my brokenness (Hurt by Trent Reznor, I'm So Sick by Flyleaf) by songs that acknowledge the questions and the longings, but also those that offer hope. I just remembered that Flyleaf has a song "Again" that seems to hit all these points. I have been moved to tears listening to that song more than once.

Music seems to slip past my defences. I feel like God uses music to touch my heart and open me to myself and to Him in ways that other mediums just can't touch.

What's up with Saul!?

Today, as I was reading, I found myself asking this question.  "What is up with Saul!?"  Don't you find yourself asking that sort of question of biblical characters from time to time?  "What could have been going through his head when he did some of the things that he did!?!"  Today, for me, it was Saul.  But then I went back and re-read the story.  I put myself in Saul's place.  As I did that, I found myself giving him a much more sympathetic reading.

Saul faced real problems.  Things often didn't go the way that he planned.  God repeatedly spoke to him and worked in and around him, but he was often in way over his head.  He was thrust forward into an incredibly challenging leadership situation that he neither desired nor sought.  He actually started out pretty well.  He led with humility and obeyed the Lord.  He felt God's anointing on Him and was empowered by God.  He refused to avenge himself unrighteously on those who mocked his leadership.  Not a bad start.

Then, Samuel was late.  Samuel had promised to show up and didn't.  The enemy, however, did show up on time.  Saul's men were deserting him, the enemy host was swelling, and Samuel was nowhere to be seen.  Saul waited as long as he dared.  He knew that the battle would be starting soon, with or without Samuel.  He knew that he dare not go into battle without seeking the Lord's blessing.  So, he looked as his situation, planned a strategy, and executed a perfectly reasonable leadership decision.  He was compelled to do something!  Just then, Samuel arrived and brought a stinging rebuke with him. 

It is easy for me to sit comfortably in my office and render judgment on an Iron Age king.  I am so far removed from armies and battles, the pressures and daily realities of Saul's life.  I also have the benefit of supernatural hindsight.  I can see Saul's whole life neatly summed up in a few chapters f divinely inspired text.  Saul had none of my distant objectivity.  Saul was living the life that God had given him as best as he knew how.  His life was made up of one natural and reasonable decision after another.He started out well, but ended badly.  The real problem with Saul was that he made each decision without calculating God into the equation.  He was a real man, but a man who failed to involve God in the details of his life.  He relied on common sense but failed to heed the uncommon graces and revelations of God. 

Now that is something I can understand.  How often do I fail to view my life through heaven's eyes?  How often do I examine situations and analyze solutions without taking the wisdom and power of God into account?  How often do I feel compelled to do something, the thing that comes most naturally perhaps, when God's will is clearly something else?  Or how often do I find myself sailing through a whole day as a practical atheist, simply failing to invite His input?  I can't be too hard on Saul because Saul looks an awful lot like the man in the mirror.  On the other hand, I can choose to learn the lessons the Saul had to learn the hard way.  May God have mercy and draw me near to Himself!

Fear and Writing

I am afraid.  I am afraid to write honestly about my experience of God.  I am afraid to share my doubts and misgivings as well as my certainties.  I am afraid to share about my sinful past, and my besetting sins that are with me even now.  I am afraid that if I really write, really share who I am, if I commit it to the page, then I will be judged, ridiculed and mocked. 

I don’t think that my fears are unfounded as it doesn’t take too much poking around on the internet to find a raft of websites that mock and defame any number of ministers and ministries.  It is not that I am afraid of being wrong.  I know that I’m wrong a lot of the time and that even some things that I once was confident about, I now shudder to think that I espoused.  I am sure that I am wrong and I am open to correction.  I don’t want to be wrong, I don’t like it, but it seems I can’t help it.  I think the only way to become less wrong is to be honest about who you are and what you think, so that others can speak into your life.  I want to be able to search for truth without being shouted at too much, and without being mocked.  I don’t mind confessing my ignorance if I can receive knowledge in return rather than disdain. 

So, I hesitate.  I procrastinate.  I believe that God has asked me to write, but I will do anything other than that.  I will do research.  I will adjust the layout of my blog.  I will update and reboot my computer.  I will do just about anything other than lay myself bare before the reading world. 

The irony of all this is that virtually no one is reading what I write anyway.

Stealing His Glory

One of the things that I appreciate about scripture is the way that it records the real lives of people who have followed God, warts and all. There is no putting a nice spin on sleeping with your daughter in law, or giving your wife to another man to avoid a potential threat to your own safety. The stories of the men and women in scripture are not written to glorify them, but rather to point to the nature and character of God.

The stories are meant to glorify God. By recording for posterity not just the victories, but also the struggles and outright failures of these men and women God receives glory and we receive hope. If even a man after God's own heart can commit murder and adultery, then there is hope for a man like me.

I find modern biographies to be more sanitized, and at times even discouraging. By lionizing the leaders of churches and ministries are we not glorifying the man or woman at the expense of the glory of God. I find myself wondering at the saintliness and giftedness of the leaders and wondering if I measure up. I find myself impressed with them and their ministries rather than inspired to step out into ministry myself.

But, if I am honest, I have to acknowledge my own propensity to hide the warts and trumpet "my achievements". In my own heart, I am guilty of trying to steal some of God's glory all too often. I want people to like me. I want people to think that I am gifted and to respect me, to speak well of me. The fact that this comes so naturally to me does not mean that it's not wrong. All kinds of sin comes naturally to me, all too naturally.

I don't mean that we need to share everything with everyone, but when we seek to glorify ourselves even subtly, are we not seeking to keep a bit of the praise that we should be reflecting to the Father for ourselves; sort of skimming off the top before we pass it along. Is it not a form of spiritual embezzlement? I don't want to steal even a portion of His glory. So, I resolve to live with integrity and to share the whole story so that He can get the whole glory.