Please Empty Your Pockets

I travel a fair bit. I can't begin to count the times I've emptied my pockets before being allowed through security. It's a ritual of air travel now. Perhaps that's why I was so so taken aback by a picture suddenly appearing to my mind's eye as I reflected on the miracle of Christmas this morning.

In my imagination, I saw the eternal Son of God, the Christ, emptying His pockets. As I continued to ponder the image, I let my myself imagine the conversation in heaven between the Father and the Son, just prior to the incarnation, and I watched as the scene unfolded in my mind.

The Father tenderly says, "It's time son."

The Son looks deep into the soul of the Father and says "I know...I am ready to go. This is a good plan, and yet...I am afraid of what will happen on this trip."

I understand my son. We have always been together, but for a little while it will be different. For a little while you must lay aside what you have known and truly be one of them.

Can I take my power? The power I used when we made the universe together.

No my son, you must leave that here.

Can I take my wisdom? The wisdom I have gained in our eternal relationship, the wisdom I have gained in the years I have watched our children upon the earth."

No, you must leave that here. You will grow in wisdom while you are there.

Can I take my knowledge? The knowledge of all things from the beginning of time.

No, you must learn. You must learn how to walk and how to speak. Imagine the eternal Word learning the language of our children.

Can I take my glory? The radiant glory that dazzles and shines.

No. That too you must leave here.

Can I take my all-sufficiency, my independence?

No. You will be entirely helpless. You will not even be able to feed or clothe yourself. You will drink your first meal from a human breast and be utterly dependent upon your earthly parents. You must leave all these things behind. 

But how will I protect myself? We know how violent and unpredictable they can be! What if they try to kill me before our plan is complete?

You won't protect yourself. You will be utterly vulnerable. You will have to trust me. I will watch over you and no evil will harm you until the proper time.

So, what do I take with me then? Can I take nothing from heaven to earth?

Just yourself. Only you, your essence, your spirit poured into a frail human embryo in the womb of a teenage girl. You will start from there and show them Us through one of them. You will show them Us, our Spirit, our Character, by living just as they do. You will be Emmanuel. You will be Us with them.  

Okay Father. I have emptied myself, I am ready to go...

I don't pretend to know what happened in heaven, but I can only imagine. Imagine what it must have been like for the perfect Son to contemplate leaving heaven. Imagine what it must have been like to empty Himself as He prepared to humble Himself and live in a human body. Imagine the miracle of the incarnation again this Christmas!

The immense, eternal, limitless Creator of the Universe poured into a tiny baby in a virgin's womb.

Just imagine!

Wandering

She bounds over the stile and is off like a rocket.

I climb to the top and watch with joy as she enjoys the field stretched out before us.

My dog, Oreo, is not supposed to go into the fields without me. She knows she is supposed to wait at the bottom of the stile as I go ahead. I have trained her with many treats to wait for me to go first. Sometimes the fields are full of cows and they don't respond with joy when she goes rushing in among them. The horses don't care much for her exuberance either.

So, I go first to make sure that it is safe, then I release her with a quick "okay" and she flings herself into the freedom of the fields with reckless abandon. She races here and there investigating everything and simply enjoying the freedom the fields bring. She can run hundreds of meters in virtually any direction. No leash, no fences, no limitations to her curiosity, just the distant hedges marking the edge of her temporary paradise.

I love seeing her free. I love her just being herself. Running. Sniffing. Rolling. Leaping. Romping. It makes me smile to see her just being a happy dog. She comes back to check in every few minutes, and when she does she gets another treat.

We both look forward to our walks.

As we reach the bottom of the first field, I call her to me intending for her come, sit, and receive a treat while I go over the stile first. She pauses, looking back at me over her shoulder, but doesn't come back.

Instead...She bounds over the stile and is off like a rocket.

This time I'm not smiling as I hurry to the stile, whistling and calling her. As I peer over I see her off in the distance leaping over yet another stile. She's not paying any attention. She's no longer even trying to obey.  She doesn't care about the treats. She is just gone.

As I hurry through the mud to close the distance between us, I see her cross into yet another field. A field where I know there are horses. Having seen her get kicked in the head once by a cow, I'm not eager to see her confronted by the horses.

I have now broken into a run and am yelling her name, not that she can hear me as she is easily 300 meters away and has disappeared over a hill in the adjacent field.

I continue running after her, concerned that she may get hurt, and wondering why oh why she would run away like this. We always have such a good time together! She has never run off like this before. It's not uncommon for her to go over a stile, but to run away entirely is a brand new behaviour.

As I go through yet another stile I come across some friends who have seen her. They point me in another direction; which is helpful as I no longer have any idea where she is headed or what she is doing. What has gotten in to her?!

Finally, I catch up with her and find her walking with another friend and his dog. I call out, and my friend and his dog turn and start toward me. Not my dog. Not Oreo.

No...Oreo, seems to have developed selective hearing. She doesn't even turn around. Then, she lies down and refuses to come to me. As I approach, she starts to squirm into the submissive position. She knows that she has run off, and she knows that nothing good will come of it. She has been away from me for at least 20 minutes while I ran through the fields pursuing her.

I put her on the lead and start for home, fuming!

What had started out as a wonderful shared experience was ruined for both of us because she decided to ignore me and run off. She doesn't understand or recognize the dangers, and even though she didn't get hurt this time, the dangers were very real. She knew there was freedom, joy, and treats with me, but she caught the sent of something she wanted more and was gone. She didn't care what I wanted. The end result was that she ended up on the lead and I ended up angry and late for a meeting. Neither one of us enjoyed the walk back.

But it was on the way back that God unfolded the parable to me.

As I fumed about the dog and grumbled under my breath about her behaviour, He gently called my attention to the previous evening.

I had heard his invitation the previous evening, but had run off. I felt His invitation to sit at His feet, open His Word, and spend some time together, but I didn't want to. I just wanted to play a silly computer game. I had worked hard and felt entitled to my own time, to do my own thing, so that is what I did. I ran off and did my own thing. I felt the tug several more times over the next couple of hours as I played  my game, but kept ignoring His promptings, pretending not to hear and running off again. Finally, at 4AM I collapsed into bed exhausted and dissatisfied.

The funny thing is that I really enjoy my times with Him. My times with Him refresh my soul and stimulate my mind. I am more myself and more full of love and joy, peace and patience, during and after my times with Him. When we do life together, it's great! It is much better on every level than a computer game, but in a fit of sheer madness it somehow seemed like a good idea to run from my all loving Father.

By the time we made it home I was truly repentant and grateful for my Master. I can't say Oreo felt the same. I can tell you that she was ready and raring to go on a walk again the next day. I can also tell you that she hasn't run off since. Our relationship is restored and full of joy and freedom again. And my relationship with the dog isn't bad either.

Becoming Who I Am

Have you ever wondered who you are? Have you ever wondered about your real identity, the part of you that is deeper than your profession, your education, your culture, or your family of origin? Who are you at your core?

I had two dreams the other night. Not the kind of dreams that simply rehash the day's events. These dreams had a different quality to them. They felt different even in the midst of them, and they felt very different as I awoke and pondered on them. They have stayed with me for days now and the more I reflect on them, the more convinced I am that they were God dreams. 

The first dream was a long-forgotten incident from my past. A formative experience that gave me one of the labels that has hindered me in my process of becoming. I awoke from the dream wondering about it and was moved to prayer. I asked God about the significance of the event and why it came up at this time. I received no answer.

After falling back to sleep, I immediately had another dream. In this dream I was taking in immense power but was afraid to release the power. I was filled with incredible power by God, but didn't know what to do with it or how to use it in a way that wouldn't ultimately damage myself or others. Again, I awoke and turned to the Lord in prayer, asking for His guidance and interpretation.

It was then that He met me. 

As I prayed I was filled with a sense of His presence and power. I was moved as I felt Him confirming that the vision in the second dream was me. The first dream revealed the source of pain and the genesis of a lie that has bound me for years. The truth is that God has filled me with immense power, but my fears and insecurities keep this power from being expressed for His Kingdom. At first I was hesitant to accept this as true because it seemed self-aggrandizing.

As I spoke this out to the Lord, I suddenly realized that it is not. To recognize this truth about myself is to acknowledge that all of God's kids are similarly powerful. Our power, our gifts, are all different, but we are all uniquely created by Him and invested with tremendous power, the same power that raised Christ Jesus from the dead. All of God's kids are immensely powerful, we are partakers of the divine nature! 

But we are all living as less than we really are. We have been beaten down or tricked into believing that we are less than we are. We have been imprisoned by the lies we have believed about ourselves. The lies we drank down with our mother's milk. The lies specifically designed to keep us from realizing who we really are and becoming the powerful ministers we were designed to be.

As I lay there on my bed, wrestling with all of this, I felt like I was waking up for the first time, as if scales were falling from my eyes. I was beginning to grasp a new vision of myself, and all of God's children, through the eyes of God. I also saw all of the hurtful experiences falling into a pattern, a well designed scheme to ensnare and enslave me; experiences tailored to re-enforce the lies that kept me bound for years.

In my case, I believed that I was an embarrassment, not to be trusted, I was dangerous, and I was a failure. These lies have hindered me and kept me from seeing God as He really is and myself as I really am, and as I could be.

What are the lies keeping you from becoming who you are?

An Eternal Kind of Life

One of the amazing and little experienced truths Jesus taught is this: He came to give us the abundant life.

It sounds pretty straight forward, but we rarely touch this true life, this eternal kind of life. We often settle for something less than true fellowship with the Spirit, true intimacy with the Father, true identification with the Son. We settle for the humdrum life of this world when infinitely more is offered to us.

Even in Christian circles we redefine the abundant life as something less than it really is. We make it roughly synonymous with the American Dream. We make it about relational harmony or financial security, or access to modern conveniences and creature comforts. The eternal kind of life is much deeper than just these superficial aspects of our lives.

Jesus gives us a glimpse of it when he invited all who are thirsty to come to Him and drink, and then issued the audacious promise that, if we do, the Holy Spirit will bubble up within us and flow out of us. We will be filled to overflowing with the power and presence of God. He said that we would do even greater things than He did.

Is that your experience?

It is rarely mine, but I have tasted it. I tasted it again on my last trip to Asia. I felt God's presence and was privileged to partner with Him. I watched in awe as He revealed Himself too me and then through me to others. I literally saw supernatural miracles happen. I lived for 10 days in the awareness of His presence and power.

Then I got on a plane and flew home. I feared that this trip would be an anomaly and that I had no choice but to return to my normal life. But the real beauty of this trip is that He has come home with me. He has continued to meet with me and to speak to me. He has continued to partner with me and has encouraged me to keep living like this.

So, I am choosing to cultivate the lifestyle that I had on the trip. Less extraneous noise. More time spent intentionally seeking Him. Recognizing my fears and insecurities that keep me from willingly submitting all to Him, and humbly laying these too at His feet.

I am finding that the "mountain top" isn't a place you go, but a presence you cultivate.

I have caught myself returning to old patterns of thinking and asking. I have been distracted by the inane and mundane that calls itself news. I have allowed myself to lose focus and live again as if this world is all there is. I have been drawn to escape or to binge, but my brief forays into the mundane leave me wondering. Why in the world would I choose that when so much more is available to me?

Why do we?

Ambushed Again!

On Friday I was skyping with some friends. As we often do, we ended the call by praying for each other. One of the things they prayed for me was that God would fill me up for the up coming week of intense ministry by meeting me in worship. In the last few days, this prayer has been answered many times over, the most recent one was this morning, when God ambushed me again!

Perhaps that needs a little explaining...

When I was a kid, we took great delight on hiding in the house and jumping out at unsuspecting loved ones. Often, particularly with my dad, these childish ambushes were followed with tickles and fun. At any moment, your day could be interrupted by a loving ambush. When you least expected it, someone would jump out at you and you would be thrown into chaos for a moment as your adrenalin kicked in. The intensity of emotion heightening the connection with someone you were not looking for.

One of the really fun things for me in the last few years, has been the way God sneaks up behind me and taps me on the shoulder when I'm not looking. Sometimes it feels really playful, as if He was hiding behind the door with a sly smile on His face, listening to my approaching footsteps, anticipating the look on my face when He jumps out. Other times it is more sedate and deep like suddenly discovering an old friend sitting in your living room and inviting you to sit down and catch up. Still other times, the ambushes are more severe, like suddenly being caught in the act, suddenly knowing that you are caught, guilty, and there is no wiggling out of it.

One of the great joys of my life has been learning what it means to live in what Dallas Willard calls "a God bathed world". The fact is that our world is filled with God. He is available to us every moment. He is actually present everywhere at every moment but we can live our whole lives without being aware of Him. Cultivating sensitivity to Him and creating space in my life to respond to Him takes discipline and intentionality, but it is well worth it. He reveals Himself to those who seek Him.

This morning, He ambushed me as my wife was reading from "Jesus Calling". I'm not really a devotional reader kind of guy, but God totally ambushed me this morning! I am preparing to travel to Asia for a week of intense ministry. I went to bed last night trying to anticipate all that the week would hold and even playing through potential conversations in my head. This mornings reading opened with this line, "Trust me enough to let things happen without striving to predict or control them." I didn't really hear the rest of the reading.

I felt like God had just tapped me on the shoulder. My mind flooded with all the ways I had tried to do exactly that. I was suddenly deliciously aware of His presence and the absurdity of my façade of control, my desire to accurately anticipate the future. Instead, He reminded me that I can and should relax into His presence. I can be present in every moment and be anticipating Him, listening for His approaching footsteps.

I am eager to see what He has in store for me this week. I am eager to live with Him, to walk with Him. With an almost childlike giggling fear, I'm peering around each corner wondering when He will ambush me again.

Why do you do what you do?

I have received two emails recently that have puzzled me, and that is a good thing. The confusion forces me to engage with the questions they raise. Essentially, two trusted friends have asked me why I am writing. Both have observed that I am not going to get famous or make any money writing what I do as I do. (Particularly because I have designated that all royalties go directly to charity.) At the core, their the question was, "Why bother writing?"

It is a fair question. Particularly when I look at the sales of the last book, which have not gone through the roof. When two trusted people ask you the same question, it is worth a good think.

As I have pondered this , I have come to this conclusion: I write because God has asked me to write. Several years ago God broke into my life and specifically encouraged me to write. As a part of a spiritual retreat, I asked Him, "What do you want me to prioritize in this next season of ministry?" And much to my surprise He answered me. I have found it dangerous to ask God questions! More than once I have been surprised when He has spoken up and answered what I had intended to be a rhetorical question in my prayer times.

Unfortunately, He did not tell me what to write, nor did He promise me that anyone would read what I write. He simply told me to make writing a part of what I do. I spent the next 4 years doing everything except writing. I argued with Him, telling Him that it was pretentious of me to write. After all...who am I to write? I'm no John Piper, Dallas Willard, or C.S. Lewis. I told Him that I didn't have time to write, I was too busy doing other things for the Kingdom. I filled my schedule with people and projects and steadfastly refused to write. Eventually, I started to write little things and that was how this blog got started.

However, I found that I could not encourage others to move forward in their relationship with God while steadfastly refusing to follow His direction in my own life. My fears and insecurities did not go away, but I finally chose to stop resisting and procrastinating. I did not know what was going to come out when I sat down and actually started writing. I still had no direction from on High. But, as I started writing, the book Pursuit of a Thirsty Fool took shape. It was during the process of writing and re-writing that the opportunity for publishing suddenly emerged, and that was how I "accidentally" became a published author.

I do not know that the next book will see the light of day. I know that the process of writing the last one, and this one, has propelled me into the arms of God. This process has forced me to face my own weakness, fears, and insecurities. I have grown and changed in the process of creating.  God has used this process to draw me closer to Himself. God is re-creating me as I create.

I believe it is my job to write the best book I can. I work hard, I offer it as a gift to my King, and I trust that He will use it as He sees fit. If He uses it to impact one or a million, is up to Him. I like the way that Keith Green said it, "You do your best and pray that it's blessed, and He'll take care of the rest."


I don't write to be famous. I don't write to make money. I don't write to have an impact. I don't write because I think I have something profound to say. I write because I believe it is part of the work that God has prepared in advance for me to do. (Eph. 2:10)

Why do you do what you do?

At Play in the Fields

As I was walking the other day through the fields, I realized again that my dog, Oreo, has become a part of my relationship with God. As we tramp through the fields around our town together, I notice things about her behaviour and occasionally God will nudge me to reflect on how that particular act might reflect something deeper. 

It is such an amazing adventure to live in a God bathed world. The more I realize His actual presence the more the opportunity for connection with Him becomes a reality. I am looking for Him, expecting Him to speak up at any moment. I am slowly learning what it means to actually walk with God; not just follow His principles or obey His Word, but to actually walk with God.

Yesterday, I went on a walk with Oreo and God. They were both with me the whole time, even when I wasn't consciously aware of their presence. On these rambles across the countryside, I generally let my mind wander. I don't keep a tight rein on it, but let it go where it will following the contours of the land and sky or pondering tasks and relationships. 

As I do so, particular items will come into focus and sometimes I turn toward God and start talking with Him about it; asking Him for His perspective, or a solution to a problem, or just sharing my heart about the topic. After talking for a bit, we lapse into a comfortable silence, like an old married couple.

But sometimes God breaks the silence and pipes up with something He wants me to consider. Ideas that are not my own intrude, or something unexpectedly catches my eye and draws my attention, sending me off on a different train of thought or initiating a prayerful dialogue with Him. 

Yesterday, it was the shear joy of the dog. We were walking in the wind and rain through a field of high grass when she just took off. She was leaping and running in wild circles in a sort of ecstatic dance.. She would occasionally come back to check in or just look my direction. The look of wildness and excitement in her face could only be described as joy. She was loving it, the wildness of the weather, the freedom of her body, the stimulation of the environment. She kept looking in my direction as if to say, "Isn't this great! Come run with me!" I smiled and walked on, unhurried, but enjoying her joy.

Then came the nudge...I realized that my birthright as a child of God is that kind of joy and freedom. The fruit of the Spirit is joy! I too can run with reckless abandon, playing in the fields of the Lord, because He is with me. His rod and His staff, they comfort me. 

Because He is with me and will not leave me or abandon me, because His eye is ever fixed on me, I can release my worry and hyper-vigilant self-protection. He is close, He will warn me if danger enters the field. He will call me back from my wild romp if need be. But he also walks on toward the destination that He knows, unhurried but not unmoved. 

He shares in my joy and spurs me on to love and good deeds, to the eternal kind of life that I long for! He knows the end from the beginning and He is working it all out for my good. My only task then is to walk with Him through life, tuning my ear to His voice and remaining open to His direction. All the rest is play in the fields.

More

My family likes to joke. We like a bit of good natured teasing about our idiosyncrasies and the funny things we do.

One of the sayings that we have adopted to poke fun at my general approach to life is: "If one is good, two is better. If two is better, then three is outstanding. If three is outstanding then four is just great!"

I am a person who always thirsts for more. It is deep in me. I see it in all areas of my life. It's not a choice I make, it is core to who I am to want more. There is a passion and extremeness inside of me that is just there. I didn't put it there, I don't know how it got there, but it's there. It's not always a bad thing as it has propelled me forward in my relationship with God and to attempt things that others might not.

The Enneagram has been a helpful tool for me to understand this aspect of my personality. I have found other personality/temperament tools helpful for other reasons, but this aspect of me was never adequately addressed through the DISC, the MBTI, or the Kolbe. Don't get me wrong, I have profited from all of these, but this core aspect of me was inadequately explained.

A few years ago a friend introduced me to the Enneagram and I began to wrestle with the definitions. The model has 9 core personality types. One of the key ways to identify your type is to look at all of them and identify the one that repulses you most. That is probably you, the one that includes your core sinful predisposition. The one you don't want to be. The negative traits of other types actually seem less negative than the one your left with.

This is hard, but Enneagram is a useful tool for spiritual formation in that it pushes you to identify your core disposition  the good the bad and the ugly. Who wants to stand up and say, "Hi I'm an Eight and my core sin is lust!" Even worse is when some else says, "Oh yeah, you're an Eight all right. Lust is totally your thing...lust and confrontation!"

So, I'm an Eight. Now what!?

While the Enneagram identifies your weaknesses, it is essentially a tool for self-awareness and growth. By giving me awareness and understanding I can choose to grow. I can choose to stop acting in ways that re-enforce the negative aspects of me and to cultivate the opposite traits, while not losing the positive elements that accompany my type.

So why am I writing about this today. Because I have been puzzling over certain behaviours and wondering what drives me. Specifically, last night I stayed up until 4AM. No good reason. I just didn't feel tired. So, I read a little, researched some, watched some videos, and generally just puttered around until 4AM. I wasn't doing anything bad, just not going to bed because I wasn't "tired".

Today I'm tired. I sat down with the Lord this morning and my reading was in Matthew 11 where Jesus invites those who are weary to come to Him and rest. That sounded really good this morning, but why didn't it sound good last night? As I sat there pray-pondering it occurred to me that I have redefined tired as exhausted. I don't feel "tired" until I am well beyond actual tiredness and I'm at total exhaustion.

As I pondered this, I suddenly realized that this too is a part of being an Eight. I started to take stock of my life and realize that I tend to redefine everything in the extreme. At meals I push right past satiated to stuffed. I zoom past tired on the way to exhaustion. I don't go for a short walk, I walk for miles. I don't do a little gardening; once I'm started, I garden for hours.

So, today I am aware in a new way, and because I am aware I have choices to make. I can choose moderation. I can try to rediscover normal tiredness. I can choose not to push myself or others to extremes but can choose moderation and relaxation.

This seems to be the call of God for me today. I'm just glad he showed up this morning. He's good like that.

It's All About Relationship

We are inherently relational creatures. We were made for relationship. We are not independent or anonymous. We have identity and individuality, but these are the precursors for relationship. They allow us to be ourselves and to offer ourselves to others. We have personality that distinguishes us from those around us but we are not designed to be isolated from people and things around us. We must be connected, interrelated or we perish. 

This relational core to who we are is grounded in the root of our being. We were created in the image of God and God exists in eternal relationship within the three persons who make up the Godhead. We were created to enter into and relate to The Three-in-One God and this ability to relate is knit into our very being. We were literally created to relate. 

We were also created to be connected to other people. We do not come into being alone, but are born into relationship with those around us. Some of us were born into nurturing families and others into dangerous and destructive families, but we cannot survive our infancy without someone taking an interest in us and sustaining our lives. We literally can not live without community. 

As we grow up we learn to operate independently from those around us. We no longer need to be spoon-fed and diaper changed, but in this normal and healthy process of individuation and growing independence, we can begin to believe the lie that we don't need anyone else. Especially now, in an age of relative wealth and incredible technological innovation, we can live more isolated than ever. We stay continually connected with the world through our screens and keyboards, while actually living more isolated from real relationships.

We were created to connect. It is now and has always been about relationship. We were made in Their image. The image of the Trinitarian God. The Relational Community God of the scriptures. We cannot learn how to relate to God while remaining distant, isolated, or stunted in our interpersonal relationships. We must learn how to trust and to live in community with one another, or we are kidding ourselves about living with God. He has created us for community. 

It's all about relationship. It always has been. 

Instant Maturity

I was talking to a friend today about growth. He is growing and it is my privilege to walk alongside him on this leg of the journey. As we were talking, he mentioned how discouraged he was that he was not further along.

I resonate with that. There have been many times in my life that I find myself wondering how long I will continue to struggle in the same area. How many times I will make the same mistakes?Many of us are not where we want to be, where we aspire to be. We want to be further on in our walk, more mature, and we want it yesterday. (On the other hand, I see many who have implicitly decided that more is not possible. They have fallen into apathy and self-satisfaction, but that is a topic for another day.)

As I talked to my friend this morning, our conversation meandered to the topic of trees. He told me that it takes seven to eight years for a fruit tree to reach maturity. It starts can start to bear fruit within 3 years but has a long way to go to maturity. We can create the right environment for growth and protect it from impediments to growth, but ultimately it just takes that long for it to grow to maturity. It is unrealistic to expect a tree to grow faster than it will grow. It would be silly to get frustrated at a tree for not growing faster.

I think that we are often frustrated with our growth because we have been given false expectations. We live in a post-industrial information age. We have grown used to mechanistic growth and the idea that a new and improved formula can produce greater, faster, and more efficient growth than ever before. We are accustomed to nearly instant everything.  This mindset has crept into all areas of our life including our spiritual life and has warped our expectations.

This unrealistic cultural expectation is further exacerbated by an over simplistic understanding of the Gospel. We have reduced the gospel to merely the atonement, ie. getting saved. While it is true that the death and resurrection of Christ is the central historical fact of the Christianity, the Gospel is much more than simply that. The Good News is that we have been invited into a relationship with the Triune God. The atoning sacrifice of Christ makes this possible, but the Good News is more than just getting saved. We can enter into a vibrant, live giving relationship with God that begins here and now and lasts forever. This is the Gospel.

Like any relationship, it begins at some point, but the beginning is not the end. It is merely the launching point for a new kind of life, a life with God. It takes time for us to grow to maturity. It will be years, not days or weeks, or even months from spiritual birth to maturity. We must not be too hard on ourselves in the process, but neither should we give up the pressing on that is required of us. We must do all we can to eliminate the things that will impede our growth and to build into our lives the things that will promote it, but ultimately we grow organically at the rate of the Spirit. The Spirit is not slow as some understand slowness, and neither does He move too fast.

At just the right speed, He is creating the new and improved version of me. One day at a time, one small step of growth at a time, I am being made mature and complete. I am not there yet, but I am on the way.

Life as a computer game

I think I learn more in the process of being a mentor than those I am serving. It is incredibly challenging and enriching to listen carefully to another human soul and share in their journey, then to listen carefully to what God might be saying or doing in their life. I see my role primarily as drawing the two into dialogue, the Spirit and the person sitting across from me. I'm a sort of relationship counsellor seeking to strengthen and encourage their relationship rather than inserting myself into it, or making the discussion about me. After the sessions, I continue to dialogue with God about what I have heard and their journey informs my own.

Yesterday, I had a wonderful conversation with a young man. As we talked about things in his life, an analogy came to mind...perhaps from the Spirit. It has stuck with me, haunting me for the last day or so. I found the metaphor of a computer game helped to create useful categories for the young man and for me.

Some computer games can be played in a single player mode or multi-player mode. In single player mode, you are the only sentient being in the whole world. All the other characters in your digital world are computer generated, they are Non-Player Characters, NPC's. NPC's exist only for you to interact with in one way or another, to people your world and make it more interesting in some way. There is little or no actually morality involved in how you interact with them as they are not people, they don't have feelings, they don't really exist, they are only bits of code written for the sole purpose of their relationship to you. 

In multi-player gaming their are other actual people involved. You share the digital world with other real people, player characters, PC's. PC's are also represented digitally, but behind the graphics is an actual person with feelings and desires. They may look exactly like a NPC, but the morality of it seems different. The fact that another real soul is involved makes the interactions more meaningful and interesting as well as less predictable. They are more real. 

As the young man and I talked, we agreed that we often find ourselves playing the game of life as if it is a single player game. We ascribe value to people based on their usefulness to ourselves. We interact with people around us as if they were NPC's performing functions, poplulating our world, but not as real souls. As I have continued to reflect on this, I have realized the strength of my natural tendency to go through my life as if it really were my life, my personal domain, as if others exist only in reference to me. 

The fact is that we live in a multi-player world. We are surrounded not with NPC's but with real people, real souls with their own stories. They are not minor players in our own story, but each person is a lead player in the story that God is writing in and through all our lives. We reduce people to stereotypes and two dimensional sprites and in doing so we treat them as something less than a real person. This depersonalization fundamentally fails to recognize the image of God in each person around us. 

There is something comfortable about a single player game. The rules are more simple and easier to understand. Once you figure out the predictable patterns, you can manipulate the world and master it, control it. Real people are wild cards. They can not be easily manipulated or controlled. No matter how well you understand them, they remain free-agents, unpredictable. They do the unexpected and can wreak havoc on your carefully constructed world. I understand the allure of single player games and enjoy them, but God did not design us, or the world, for single player gaming. He designed us for community and relationship with Him and with others.

We must shake ourselves out of this "single player" mentality! We must choose to live in the real world and recognize the multi-player nature of the world around us. It is a question of perception. We must choose to renew our minds day by day, to recognize the souls around us, across the kitchen table and across the checkout counter. In doing so, we open ourselves up to rich and meaningful interactions with them and with the One who created us all for life with Him and with one another. When we do this, we begin to enter into the real world, to live the eternal kind of life, the abundant life. The Kingdom of God really is within you. 

Swimming and Gliding

With just a flick of his tail he glides so effortlessly through the water! A huge carp lazily swims around in a pool on the edge of our town. He moves with such grace and ease as he weaves through the plants and among the swarm of other fish.  He is clearly in his element, comfortable and confident.

As I watch I feel a tug from deep in my soul, a memory climbing toward my conciousness. The Spirit nudging me toward Him. "In Him we live and move and have our being." As I walk this earth I am in Him. I am right now surround by and lifted up by Him. He is genuinely present with me at all times. When I wave my hand through empty space, I am waving it through and in God. God is ever present and ever personal.

This God who is beyond my understanding, this God who created stars and galaxies, this God who penetrates every fibre of my being, every place in the universe and beyond, makes Himself personally available to me. He speaks to me. He works all things out for my good. He is working in and around me at all times, writing the story of my life, of all our lives.

I forget. I live as if I am on my own. I live as if it all depends on me, as if I am alone and vulnerable to the whims of impersonal fate or the chaos of human action. But this is unreality. The reality is that I am surrounded  and cared for by the most powerful and loving Being in existence. He loves me and has demonstrated this love in sacrificial and enormously costly action. I know His love and care from history and from my own life. But still I forget.

I thrash around trying to stay afloat, afraid of drowning in the threatening world around me; when I could relax into His love. I could glide along in His Spirit in the beauty of this world and the knowledge of His care. The circumstances remain the same, but as I stand next to the pool my perception has subtly shifted and the peace that surpasses all understanding comes to me. I am aware of Him and it is good.

God's Terrible Inefficiency

I realized again today how much my perspective is shaped by who I am. I am driven by efficiency and productivity. I am always asking how to improve something or how to derive more from less, how to work smarter not harder. This drive is partially a result of my basic personality type, but has been continuously reinforced by my culture and education.

Today I was bemoaning a particular ineffeciency.  I was telling my wife that the return on my investment in a particular project was inadequate. I was arguing against doing something like it again. She listened to my rant patiently then gently asked a question, "Did you do what God asked you to do?"

"Yes!" I answered, "I did, but God is so terribly inefficient!" Suddenly I realized that Jesus had really mishandled his ministry, had botched his opportunity to make the kind of big impact that he could have made. First, there is a question of timing. He was born in a time and place where his voice could not be heard globally. Certainly, it would have made more sense for him to be born now with ubiquitous global media available to spread his message and broadcast his miracles. There was no recording equipment, no TV, no radio, no internet. He could reach more people in one day with a webpage and a twitter account than he could in 33 years of wandering around preaching to people in person back then. What was He thinking?!

Second, there is a question of social and economic clout. Even if we grant that it was a good idea to be born then, He should have picked a better situation for himself. He was born into a poor peasant family in a backwards province far from the centres of power. He made no effort to use the established systems of influence in government or religious circles. Instead, he recruited a bunch of misfit hicks to follow him around, and wasted his time blessing children and even going so far as to tell people NOT to tell others about what he had done for them. Certainly the lessons of guerilla marketing and viral marketing were lost on him. Again, I have to ask myself, What was He thinking?!

I could totally have done a better job. I could really have helped Jesus to be more efficient and productive. Jesus needed a strategic plan and a marketing team. (Perhaps even a glossy brochure.) He wasted so much of his time talking to people like the woman at the well, or the woman caught in adultery. He should have been focusing on those with more clout. He should have spent more time networking and developing contacts with the decision makers, the influential people. He could have really accomplished so much more! When he died, even the few followers he had were scattered. All power in heaven and earth had been entrusted to him! He used this power to wash feet?! What was He thinking?

As I allowed this train of thinking to flow from my unconscious to my conscious thoughts, it became so clear. God's economy is simply not mine. He chooses to work in ways that appear to be terribly inefficient, and I find that personally frustrating. Often, it seems like He is wasting my time and energy. I want to improve on His plan.

But there is a freedom that comes from seeking to know and do His will. If I choose to live in light of His actual presence and sovereignty, I can actually relax. When I release my imaginary brillance, the fiction of my control, I can find rest for my soul. Isn't this where Job ends up. He wrestles with God (and God commends Him for his honest arguing) but the answer was not what Job expected. God didn't answer the specifics of Job's questions, instead He offered Himself to Job. He reminded Job of His true nature and character. He showed Job His greatness and Job felt appropriately small before Him. Job repented and found rest for His soul.

I am after the peace that surpasses all understanding. It is interesting that prayer is the doorway to this peace. In prayer we acknowledge our smallness and dependency. We come to God and lay our requests before him with a heart of gratitude then the peace of Christ guards our hearts and our minds. We can find our rest in Him and let Him do what really is best. Only He knows what is really best, only He knows the end from the beginning. So, the terrible inefficiency serves a perfect purpose, but only He is capable of working it all together for the good, for my good and the good of His Kingdom. 

Diversity

Every one of us is unique. Every one of us is different. We are so diverse in personality, background, gifts, talents, education, experience, family of origin, culture of origin; not to mention gender, hair, eyes, and skin. Our diversity is profound! It is much deeper than we generally acknowledge. 

And yet, there are so many things that we share. So, many commonalities, so many shared experiences. So many things that unite us. But very few (if any) of these experiences are direct, most are filtered through our perception of them. So, even the common experiences are opportunities for misunderstanding and miscommunication. Really, it is amazing that we manage to understand one another at all!

Skylarks and Writing

Yesterday I took a long walk through the fields. I spent some of the time praying for people I love and some of it laughing at my dog and her ridiculous enjoyment of her romp.

It was a gusty blustery day. The wind came howling off the water, up and over the cliffs. Sea spray was whisked off the waves and strewn across the meadows near the edge. It was a wild and wonderful day to be out in nature. I was even more alone than usual as most people had sense enough to stay indoors, but I loved it. Drinking in the wildness and the power, I was reminded that this is but a pale reminder of the power of God.

I rarely pause and sit on days like this, but as I came to a place that was partially sheltered from the wind, I decided to sit and take it all in. I found a springy bit of turf and long grass and settled into a little hollow. As I did, I noticed bird song wafting through the air. Over the din of wind and waves, a beautiful song sailing along. A single song from the throat of a creature I couldn't see. I could tell is was coming from far above me. I strained my eyes to find the source.

It took me a bit of searching to locate the tiny bird high in the sky. A single tiny bird struggling to gain altitude and singing his heart out. It was a skylark. He had ventured up into the sky on a violently windy day to sing his song in the hope that a female might be wooed by the beauty of his song and join him in the nest he had made in the meadow below. I watched for nearly 10 minutes as his song varied and changed, repeating themes. All the while his little body was being battered and flung about by the wind; his wings beating furiously, his song unwavering.

Then, suddenly, he dropped from the sky as if he had been shot. He dropped straight down probably 100 meters. Just above the ground his free fall morphed into an elegant swoop and with a flutter, he was gone; back into the nest he had created. His song stilled, his exhaustion complete.

I sat silently marvelling at the scene I hat witnessed. Wondering... Was I the only one who heard his song?  It seemed like a lot of fruitless effort. Such hard work, for what return? He utterly spent himself flinging his song into the universe, pouring all his effort into its creation, only to drop exhausted to the earth.

As I lay there in the grass pondering this, I felt the gentle call to self-reflection and conversation with the Father. I realized that my writing is much like the skylark. I have laboured long and hard to create, to express the song within me. I have striven to put my heart on a page and have flung it into the world, inviting others to learn from my lessons to profit from my pain. I am hopeful that it is not in vain, but in the end, I drop exhausted from the effort and wondering if any have heard my song.

What makes the skylark sing? What makes me write? He is compelled by instinct; an instinct placed within him by the all loving Father. I am compelled by the love of God and something in me cries out to be expressed in words. I believe that this too has been placed there by the Father. And so, he sings and I write all to the glory of God; not knowing what comes next, only playing our role as best we know how.

Fear and Love

John tells us that true love casts out fear. He goes on to say that in perfect love there is no fear. (1 Jn. 4:18) I guess my love is not perfect, because I find myself struggling with fear today.

This is a pretty rare experience for me. I am a generally confident guy who goes through life with a glass half full perspective, but there are a few things in my life at the moment that have brought up fear in me. It is so unfamiliar to me, that I couldn't have named it until today.

I was walking through the fields today, talking with God. I was asking Him to help me understand what has been driving me toward the old cisterns lately. Suddenly, it was crystal clear. I realized that I am afraid. I have been trying to escape from the pain of fear. The revelation seemed to come from outside of me, but I knew immediately that it was correct. Naming it allowed me to feel it and I suddenly had tears in my eyes. 

The things I am fearing are not fantasies, they are based in real circumstances I am facing. But that does not make them real. I have been more and more convinced lately that the future has no actual existence, and when I attempt to live in the imagined future, I can not really meet God there. God lives in the NOW. He is the I AM. He is always NOW! So, here in the present is where I must meet Him and where my love for Him must be perfected. His love for me is already perfect and total.

All of this is complicated by the fact that I no longer believe that God promises to deliver us in the triumphalist way that I was taught as a child. God does not promise to deliver us from suffering. He does not unfailingly rescue His children from poverty, disease, war, abuse, etc... I have seen too much pain and loss to believe there is a prayer, incantation, ritual, or service, which compels God to act in a particular way. Such beliefs are more akin to magic and shamanism, where the supernatural world can be manipulated or bent to our will, than to the Biblical picture of a fiercely free, all powerful, and independent God who does whatever He wills. 

I do love and trust this God, but I do not know what He will do. He may not deliver me from the things I fear. He hasn't always in the past. Does this make Him untrustworthy?  No, but it forces me to redefine my trust and face my fears. Do I trust God or trust that He will deliver a particular outcome. Do I trust His person and character? I feel like I am losing my faith in prayer as a productive force, but growing deeper in my love and dependence on the God who actually answers prayer. 

He met me today in the fields. He showed me my heart. We talked. He did not promise to deliver me, in fact, He did not directly address the questions I asked. But He was there. That's worth something. My fear is still with me, but it is diminished somewhat by His presence. Perhaps my love is being perfected even through this.

We read in Hebrews that Jesus was made perfect through suffering. (Heb. 2:10) What makes me think that my path will be more comfortable than His?

Freedom or the Chain

Our family loves our dog. We have so much fun with her. The kids love to play with her in the garden and to wrestle and cuddle her in the house. She is well fed and well loved. We have let her know that she is a welcomed and loved addition to our family. We have "treat trained" her from the beginning. She has learned that we are the givers of all good things. She knows that the result of obedience is a treat, praise, and love. She knows that we are where she wants to be. She has demonstrated her desire to be close to us. Often, when the gate has been left open accidentally, even over night, she has refused to wander. We have even seen people outside of the gate call her and her refuse to leave the property.

So what is up with my dog these days?! She has run off 10 times in the last 12 days! Sometimes twice a day. When she first started the new behaviour, I did some research to see what could be driving it. She has been "fixed" and so she can't be wandering to find a mate. She is not unloved or failed to bond with our family. She is not neglected and is far from under fed. So, what is it that seems to compel her to disobey?

We have given more attention and have tried all the training tricks we know, our friends know, or we have been able to glean from the internet. Nothing has worked. So we have had to resort to the the chain. Only the chain will keep her from running off at a moments notice. We don't want to chain her. We want her to have the run of the garden as she has for the last 18 months. We enjoy the fluidity of the relationship when she comes in and out of the house and can freely roam about the property with us.

She has now lost the freedom found in a caring relationship because she has refused to accept the loving parameters. She has chosen the chain through her behaviour.

Yesterday, I was out in the garden with her. I was hanging laundry and "giving her lots of fuss" as the British say. I played fetch with her and gave her treats. I had her off the chain and we were having fun together. I went into the house to grab a bite to eat and check on the next load of laundry. 3 minutes later the phone rang. Someone was calling from their mobile phone to let me know they had my dog. They happened to be walking by and had caught her less than 50 feet from our house. She had just been experiencing all the best parts about life with our family, and had chosen to run off as soon as my back was turned. Crazy!

Then I remember my last week.

My wife left for a week of ministry in Asia a week ago Saturday. I had purposed with a friend whose wife was also going to be travelling to the event, that we would make good use of the time with our kids and our God while our wives were away. We agreed that we would have extra uninterrupted time in the evenings for solitude and silence with God. We would have more time to spend focused uninterrupted time with Him.  I as looking forward to the week for the special times with my kids and my God.

I had a great week with the kids. Although they were under the weather for much of the week, we had many special times together and made some neat memories together.

My week with God started out well. I had a wonderful extended time with Him on Sunday afternoon. Then, I flipped on the TV in the evening. It's not that I watched anything bad on TV, but I was just channel surfing. I watch 15 minutes of this and 30 minutes of that. I watched nothing at all but I watched it until 2AM.

My week was an odd sort of wandering. I had some really sweet times with God, seeing Him throughout my day, praying for my wife, talking with some friends. But each evening I would forget the sweetness of fellowship and simply go wandering on the TV, through the internet, just wandering. Looking for I don't know what. I just went wandering into the wee hours of the morning.

God is the giver of all good things, and I experienced this last week, but I also experienced the wandering. I am so grateful that He protected me. I could have been wounded on my late night wanderings. There certainly is a lot of crap, a lot of dangerous stuff for my soul that I could have pursued. Even when I stumbled across it, He gave me the insight and the power to turn away. But, I should not have been lingering in those dangerous places.

Why did I wander? I don't know all the answers. I think part of it was loneliness. I was missing the interactions with my wife, but instead of turning to my ever present Friend and Confidant, I filled the lonely place with noise and information that does not satisfy. There were moments of such sweet fellowship with God throughout the week, but there was also so much mindless wandering!

I don't want to wander. Neither do I want to be like my stubbornly rebellious dog who refuses to be trained. I don't want to be chained. I have experienced the slavery of addiction as well as the chain of the law. The law can help to harness, but it cannot bring true freedom.

True freedom is fount in trust and birthed through relationship. If I will learn to trust that the parameters the Father has given me come from love, if I will learn to heed His still small voice, I will find the freedom that comes from submission to my Good God. I am finding it, bit by bit, one day at a time.

Houdini the dog

When we first brought Oreo, our dog, home, she would find amazing ways to get out of the garden. I took to calling her Houdini, after the famous the escape artist.

I came up with several different plans and adaptations to her environment to try to keep her in, only to get a call from a neighbour to come and pick her up, yet again. We trained her and eventually, she stopped escaping.

She is now full grown and has no problem leaping onto and over the wall, but she doesn't. In fact, we often find her peering over the wall at us from on top of her dog house as we return home. Even when the gate is left wide open, she won't leave. Over the last 18 months she has decided that she likes it here and isn't interested in leaving. 

Suddenly, this seems to have changed. My dog is doing her best impression of Houdini again.

She has run off 3 times in the last 2 days. Twice people in town have found her and called the number on the tag for us to come retrieve her. The third time was this morning when we found her patiently waiting outside the gate to be let back in for breakfast. We have no idea how long she had been roaming the neighbourhood.

Our theory is that the dog is searching for my wife. They have formed quite a bond. My wife is in Asia for a week, and Oreo seems to be pining for her. On one level this is very sweet, but whatever the reason for the wandering, we have to stop it for her own good. 

What the dog doesn't understand, is that it is dangerous for her to be wandering around out there. She could be very easily hit by a car, or get into some other dangerous situation. She is not particularly dumb, for a dog, but she simply doesn't understand the ramifications of her choices. That is why we have to protect her with walls and gates. That is why we have to put her on the chain when we bring her back. That is why we have to manufacture small consequences to protect her from the unthinkably bad consequences. 

Once again, I find myself thinking about God. 

Why do I run off? Why do I feel the need to wander when everything I need, everything I really want is freely offered to me by my Master? If I'm honest, it can be fun to roam, but that's only because I haven't tripped over the consequences yet. So, God puts parameters around us. He says, "Your life will be better if you stay close to me and if you live within the fences I put around you." But somehow the fences beg to be jumped. Something in me wants to leap over and see if it really is as dangerous as all that. 

God graciously, kindly metes out the discipline that I need to train me. He doesn't want me to pay the price for my sin. He has already done that. He doesn't punish His children, but He does train us for our own good. He gives us small consequences to prevent us from bringing the larger consequences on ourselves. He has already paid the ultimate price and received the consequences in Himself. Now, He offers abundant life, a life within limits...good limits. 

I hope that my dog will remember that she likes it here. I hope that she will stop wandering. I hope I'll stop wandering too.

Words and Meaning

I like words.

I like the way they capture ideas and convey imagination. I have always been fascinated with words and communication. Communication is such a mystery. How is it that the thoughts and intentions of a human soul can find expression in words, spoken and written, and be transmitted to another soul? It amazes me not that there are misunderstandings, but rather that there is any real understanding at all. With the wild diversity in humanity, I am surprised that any real communication, real understanding, ever happens.

I am also intrigued by the way that words can fail us. Words alone, on the screen or the printed page for example, are stripped of their intonation and delivery. They say that only 5 percent of verbal communication is the actual words spoken. The other 95% is the simultaneous non-verbal communication. With the written word, we are left without the visual cues and cultural modifiers that make the intent more transparent. Written words are more open to interpretation and misinterpretation. This raises serious issues for writers as well as those of us who value the written word, or Word.

As a word lover, I have another issue that has been bothering me lately. Words can also take on different meaning over time. Words or phrases can mean one thing to us at a particular time in our lives, and can mean something entirely different to us in a different context. For example, the word "submission". For some this word brings a shudder and dark overtones of subjugation and coercion, for others it might take on sweet overtones of love and proper humility. The way that we read and experience a word varies wildly based on our own experiences of life and the memories we associate with the word.

One word that has taken on particular importance for me is "relationship". I have come to understand that we are inherently relational beings, and this is am important aspect of the image of God in us. God is inherently relational. It is impossible to talk about the Triune God without implicitly acknowledging the relationship at the center of the Godhead. God is three and one. These three personalities are now and have always been in relationship with one another. He created us in Their image. 

In John we are told that the Word became flesh. One of the three eternally existent personalities that make up the Godhead took on human flesh and lived a human life. The Word, the idea behind all ideas, emptied Himself of His divine power and humbled Himself. This is a profound mystery. But this mystery makes the possiblity of a real relationship with God possible. God understands humanity because He has literally walked a mile in our shoes. He bridged the divide between us. His commitment to broaden the circle of relationship beyond the Trinity, to invite us in to the eternal kind of life, went to this unthinkable extent. 

We still struggle with words to describe this reality, even those of us who have tasted and seen that God is good. T.S. Elliot said that words, "crack and sometimes break, under the burden, under the tension, slip, slide, perish, decay with imprecision." But there is a meaning that is deeper than the words. A Word that is deeper than the meanings. 

Just One More

I just got back from a long walk through the country side, across the cliff tops, and along the beach. I am pondering some of the things that I learned along the way. There is probably more than can be reasonably put into one blog... So I'll start with this: I always need to do just one more thing.

Today, I walked farther than I intended. The thing about walking is that the farther you go, the longer it will take to get back. Every step forward to see what is around the next point or over the next hill, is a step you will have travel again on the way back. As my curiosity carried me farther and farther from home, I  learned (again) that I have a hard time stopping. I set out with a specific goal in mind, a castle on the coast that is just a little farther than I usually walk. An hour later, as I drew near to the castle, I was eyeing the point on the coast beyond the castle. As I rounded that point, I saw an interesting rock formation calling out for investigation and another point beyond that. I just kept going.

In our family, we joke about my proclivity for more. We say, "If 1 is good then 2 is better. If 2 is good then 3 is outstanding. If 3 is good then 4 is tremendous." I remember one of the earliest commercials for MTV featured Billy Idol saying, "Too much is never enough!" I probably remember that ad because it so captures my approach to life.

I saw it again today. I went farther than I should have and so other things I needed to do were left undone. Nothing major, but it was another reminder of the difference between my intentions and my actions.

Today on the quietness of the deserted beach I found myself wondering about why I do this. Why do I always want to see what is around the next point? Why do I always want to do one last email? Why do I always want to play one more turn of a game, read one more chapter, watch one more episode of a sitcom, or watch one more movie? I am so grateful that the "more" things are not as damaging as the things that I once hungered for, but what is up with my seemingly insatiable desire for "just one more"?

Music Moves Me

I know that I am not the only one who is moved by music. It seems that we have an almost limitless ability to create and enjoy music. It seems odd to me that this nearly universal truth serves as yet another way that we categorize each other and divide amongst ourselves. But that's another blog.

Today something reminded me of Johnny Cash and his cover of Trent Reznor's song, "Hurt". I watched the powerful video and marveled at Johnny singing the song with feeling and authenticity as images of his life play across the screen. It is a sort of confession, an admission of guilt, perhaps an apology for those that He has hurt through the years.

Later in the day I was reminded of a song "I will arise and go to Jesus". I remember first hearing this song on a Julie Miller album when I was at university. I remember walking to class with my headphones on, marvelling at the simplicity and mystery of a relationship with God.

Both songs are haunting and minor. Both acknowledge our brokenness as people. I am genuinely moved by both of them. There is something very powerful about sharing the dark parts of our journey as well as the lighter portions. It is good to know that we are not alone in our hurts and our fears, that there are others who have walked a similar path.

In the end, I find the "I will arise" carries me further down the road. It acknowledges the hurt but doesn't leave me there. It goes beyond hopelessness and issues an invitation to look beyond the pain. While acknowledging our helplessness, it also points to the One who can help.

I am moved by songs that help me to embrace my brokenness (Hurt by Trent Reznor, I'm So Sick by Flyleaf) by songs that acknowledge the questions and the longings, but also those that offer hope. I just remembered that Flyleaf has a song "Again" that seems to hit all these points. I have been moved to tears listening to that song more than once.

Music seems to slip past my defences. I feel like God uses music to touch my heart and open me to myself and to Him in ways that other mediums just can't touch.

It is hard to stop tinkering

I have recently completed a book that is in the final stages awaiting publication. While I have written for years, I have never written a book before. I found the entire process to be very personal and challenging. One of my wife's favourite quotes is from Augustine. He said, "I count myself one of the number of those who write as they learn and learn as they write." That has definitely been my experience.

The creative process was hard, but invigorating. I didn't even know what I was going to write until I started writing. I knew that I felt compelled to write, but I was intimidated to start. I delayed the start of writing for literally years because I kept thinking, "Who am I to write?!" In the end, I sat down, opened the laptop, and started writing. The first thing that came out became the prologue for the book. It all flowed from there. I generally felt carried along during the creative phase.

The editing phase was much more difficult and was brand new to me. I had to invite people to critique what I had so painstakingly created. It was a test of courage to actually put it out there. I emailed it to a few people I respected as brothers and as writers. I cringed each time I checked email for the next few weeks. I wrestled with my fears and insecurities. What if I really sucked? What if my writing was of the kind only a mother could love?!

As the input started coming back, it was hard to process. My friends offered encouragement as well as advice and suggestions. Which suggestions should I incorporate? Was my desire to reject some suggestions founded on pride and defensiveness? Through this process I refined my voice and by allowing my friends to honestly critique my work, the book was vastly improved. Even when I rejected specific suggestions, the process of wrestling with each editorial decision strengthened my voice and I hope my writing.

But, there comes a point when I had to release the text to the publisher. That was more difficult than I could have imagined. I kept delaying it so that I would have more time to tinker with the text. Should I add a chapter about....? Should I delete the section about...? Is that really the way I want to say this?

It was hard to stop tinkering.

A friend of mine who writes music told me, "A song is never really done. You just stop working on it." I feel that way about this book. The publisher is happy with it. My friends are happy with it. I may never be completely finished with it, but I am done working on it.

Being Present

What could be easier than to be exactly where we are? It seems so elementary, and yet I am finding this to be an incredible challenge! I am discovering how rarely I am truly present in the now, in the moment.

I tend to spend so much of my time in the past or the future. I am generally a post-worrier. I don't worry much about the future, but I can spend a lot of time replaying things and worrying about the past. On the other hand, I can also spend a lot of time thinking about the future, trying to predict what will happen if... Or trying to control the outcome of things that haven't even happened yet.

This morning, I took some time to just sit and be present. I wanted to be present to the Lord, but the starting point was just to be present to myself. I had to sit still and just notice the things that I was feeling, the thoughts racing through my head, the motivations of my heart. I had to quiet myself and then present these things to Him in the quietness of that moment.

I wrote down the things that were troubling me. I wrote down my worries and my fears. I wrote down the things I was dreaming about and the future I was striving to create for myself. Then, I sat in silence.

A few minutes later the real dialogue began as a felt His response welling up with in me. I wrote down the words that I attached to these impressions: "Relax. Enter in. I am here. Stay in the now. It's okay. Come away with me. Take it one step at a time. Don't try to predict or control the future, that's my job."

As I sat, I compared the two lists, and suddenly the things that had seemed so overwhelming didn't overwhelm quite as much. I still was facing the same things, but the facts were emptied of the fear that had made them so fearsome. Instead, I felt peaceful. I recognized that I would still need to do something, but I knew, experientially knew, that my Father was in them with me. His presence made all the difference.