Faithfulness and Infidelity

If God is the center of my life, then why is it that I spend almost all day every day doing things that are only tangentially, at best, related to Him? Why do I live every day like a practical atheist? For all practical purposes I do what I want to do when I want to do it. This is very far from the model that I see in Christ and in others in scripture. Jesus is quite clear that both His words and his actions are from the Father. He even goes so far as to say that the Son can do nothing by Himself, but only that which He sees the Father doing.

I am SO far from this! I find that most of my life I live without any awareness of the spiritual world. I go through me day, eating and drinking, working and sleeping, like a man caught in the Matrix, as if everything around me is the “real” world and is very important. My interactions with others only serve to confirm me in my wrong-headedness . We all scurry around with our self-important tasks, when something massive, important, and REAL lurks just beneath the surface.

I know that God’s Holy Spirit is living in me, and I am more and more convinced that I grieve him many times every day. It is as if I am married and I have declared my love to my beloved, but everyday, hundreds of times a day my beloved reaches out to me, only to be repeatedly rebuffed and rejected as I quickly move past on my way from something to somewhere. I communicate time after time each day that my beloved is not important to me. I do not consult my beloved when I make my plans. I do not invite my beloved to come along and to participate in my activities. My spouse is so faithful and loves me so much and wounds me so little. My beloved is always there but rarely acknowledged, constantly serving but rarely thanked, repeatedly spurned but remains loyal and true.

My beloved has been cuckolded innumerable times by her chosen one in the history of the world, and in the daily history of my life. I have even asked my beloved to introduce me to the adulterous woman and to arrange for a meeting with her. I have begged my beloved to give me more resources to spend on my affairs. I have used the riches that my beloved has brought to me to spend them on fulfilling my own selfish desires. Daily I declare my love and remorse, but daily I return to my sin like a dog returns to his vomit. And then I wonder why I experience almost nothing of the sweet fellowship with my beloved that the scriptures and the great saints that have gone before me speak about.

Who can save me from this cycle of sin and death? Thanks be to Christ my Lord and Savior! He has purchased me back from sin and death. As many times as I disobey and offer myself back into slavery to sin, He redeems me and restores me. He pardons me and then tells me to go and sin no more. More than that, he give me the power to choose the good things that will strengthen my soul so that when the temptation comes again I will not be found weak and unaware. He charges me to remain alert and to seek Him first. He warns me that there is an enemy out there who is searching for someone to devour. He promises to never leave me or forsake me, but to be with me always. He gives me everything that I need for life and godliness. There is no good gift that He will withhold from me, but rather he delights to give all good gifts to His spouse. He is making me pure and blameless to present me to the Father. He is my lover, my brother, my father, my friend, my compatriot, my co-sufferer, my commander, my advocate, my redeemer. He is all that I need. I need only to listen to His voice and to learn to obey Him. I must hearken to his voice everyday and attune my ears to pick out his voice among the clamor of the day. Then… I must trust and obey.