Expectation and Conversation

I am not a morning person. I am the kind of person who would prefer to stay up late and sleep in the morning. There are many cultures where this is normal, unfortunately I was not born into such a culture, nor apparently were my wife and kids who all like to go to bed early and wake up early. For the last week or so, I have been living on their time schedule. One of the benefits of this is that I have been getting into God’s Word early every morning, in fact, it is the first thing I have been doing after I get out of bed. (Minus the obligatory trudge to the coffee maker for my morning caffeine fix.)

I have grown in the last few years to be more consistent in my times with God, but have usually done this either immediately after I go to the office, or more often, in the evenings after my family is in bed and the house is quiet. I have enjoyed those times and I have had many meaningful connections with God and wonderful times in His Word. I have no regrets about that habit. I have often scoffed and responded somewhat defensively to those who indicate that those who would really seek God must do so early in the morning. I still don’t buy that, but I have found myself really enjoying these early morning meetings with God. I enjoy the renewal of perspective that this provides and the way that it sets my mind and heart in the right direction for the day. I appreciate the way that God’s voice is the first voice I hear, before the cacophony of other voices start to sound in my ears, heart, and mind.

I have found myself opening the Word with the expectation the God will speak to me. He is the God who wants to and will reveal Himself to me, or will reveal to me something about myself. This is a sweet development in my relationship with God. It has been coming on slowly, and after many years of darkness and growth I can just see the first sprig budding from the ground. I love that He has developed this expectation of revelation in me. It’s not just the fact that He has spoken, or can speak, but that He will speak. If I am honest I have to admit to some fear mixed with this wonder. After all, this is the awesome and terrifying Creator God. He is an all consuming fire. The mountains melt like wax before Him. He is a lion, but also a lamb. He is gentle and kind and a smoldering wick He will not extinguish. Still He is completely free and somewhat unpredictable. He is trustworthy, but only He knows the end from the beginning, and there is no easy certainty about what He will do or say. In scripture He often does exactly what we would not expect Him to do. I trust Him and I am getting to know Him better and better but what kind of real understanding can I have of His thoughts or ways which are higher than mine as the heavens are high above the earth.

So, this morning as my eyes fell on Psalm 51 (the starting place for my reading for the day) there was a shock in my mind and a corresponding physical jolt in my body. I was somewhat afraid of what He would say. I have often come to this Psalm in times of grief and repentance. I was not sure what He would say to me today. What would He reveal? What sin would He uncover and lay bare? What would wound would He probe causing pain, but ultimately healing? What variety of love could I expect from Him today? Would it be the hard discipline due to a wayward son, the gentle embrace of the Father to a prodigal, or the tender encouragement to keep on the path I am on? I have received all these and more in the past, and I know which ones I would prefer, but only He knows what I need to grow. He is the perfect, all-knowing and loving Father.

His love for me is fierce. It will brook no rivals or competitors for my affections. Other lovers less wild have no place in my life, and He will be brutal in his confrontation of these. He loves me too well to let me continue to sell myself into slavery. Sometimes He must take up a whip of cords to cleanse the temple of my heart. He brings conviction and comfort in season.

I am so grateful for the development of this conversational relationship. I love that He is becoming so real to me that I am expecting Him to speak. I want more than outward obedience to a set of biblical principles. I want a real relationship with a living person, and am so glad that He showed me this long hoped for thing becoming reality this morning. May He draw me closer day by day.