Opening the Box

Why do we continue to return to our old sinful habits and practices? It makes no sense to me, and yet I do it. I know that when I return to the old cisterns that they will be broken and toxic as they have ever been, and yet, somehow it seems to me that it is worth another try. The fountain of living water is there and available. It is tried and been found satisfying time after time, but somehow the cisterns which have done nothing but poison me and repeatedly fail me still have a draw.

What is it in my soul that refuses to learn?! How many times do I have to attempt to find satisfaction in sin and wake up miserable before I will grasp reality? Why does the lie still have power? What is the lie that I am believing? They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results each time. If that’s true, then I must be insane.

It’s as if I am walking down the street minding my own business. I see a box lying there. It’s the old familiar sin. I see the crank on the side and I remember all the other times that I have been in this same place. It is familiar, almost comfortable. I feel the draw, I entertain the thought. I remember the rush of illicit pursuit and the draw becomes stronger. I tell myself that I am not going to pick up the box, or open it, I am just going to look at it.

I am not stupid enough to turn the crank again. I won’t even open it; I’ll just look at it. So, I take those first fateful steps toward the box. As I draw near I see the colors and my memory stirs a curiosity in me. I wonder what is inside. I wonder what will happen if I turn the crank this time. I wonder if it will be different this time. Maybe this time the box holds the thing that I am seeking. Maybe this time I will find that my hearts desire really is inside.

Although the box looks the same, I am sure that this time it will be different. This time when I turn the crank and the box opens a beautiful, satisfying mystery will be revealed. This time I will be happy, fulfilled and satisfied. I will feel pleasure and not the rough leather of the old boxing glove flying out of the box to connect with my face. This time there will be no rude awakening afterwards, only a pleasant afterglow. Pleasure not pain.

So, I decide to turn the crank. Just one time I tell myself. I am not really going to open it, I just want to see what will happen if I turn it once…nothing…See, that wasn’t so bad. I’ll just turn it one more time…I start to hear the first faltering notes of the clanging melody. The melody is familiar and I want to hear a few more notes. I’m not going to open the box…I just want to hear a few more notes. Maybe this time the song will take me where I want to go, maybe this time the promise will be fulfilled. So, I turn the crank again…more music, and no pain yet…Yes! This time will be different. I turn it again and again, my adrenaline is rushing my heart is pounding. This time I will find what I am looking for. This time it will be different. Look at the colors, hear the music, how could this end in pain?! Again and again I turn the crank the music picks up and I start to feel the urge to dance to it…I am in my element, a familiar place. I know this music…the crank feels so natural in my hand. I pick up the pace and keep turning the crank, lost in the music and waiting for the gratification.

BLAM! I am flat on my back. The pain is back. I ache with the realization that I have been taken again. I am hurt and can’t believe how stupid I was to go down this path again. How could I have fallen for this again? It always ends the same way! Tomorrow will be different. When I see the box lying there I will turn and walk away. Or will I? I have said this before, what can save me, who can help me? I need someone to be with me and to help me. I can’t face this temptation alone. My only hope is that one who is wiser than I will walk with me and save me from myself. So, I will place my hand in His and when I see the box tomorrow, He will remind me of the end of the story. I will cling tightly to Him and He will lead me away and keep me safe, moment by moment.