Submission is not something that we generally emphasize in the West. We emphasize initiative, action, planning, creative solutions, etc... All of these are good things, but I am realizing how hard, and how unnatural, it is for me to submit. Perhaps this is just human nature, but it seems to me that submission is particularly difficult for those of us raised in the West. In America in particular, we are raised to be strong individuals who look out for ourselves. In the scandalous era in which we live, we have learned cynicism and distrust rather than submission. Authority is something to be questioned, power is something to be balanced, kings are to be overthrown. In this context how can we look on submission with anything short of incredulity and skepticism.
I am very much a product of my culture. Living and working overseas for roughly a decade has stretched my horizons, but has also shown me how much my own culture has influenced me in ways that are subtle and often hard to identify. I find myself struggling with submission. I praise God that He has taken me through a training school of hard knocks to teach me to submit to the leaders that He has placed over me, and yet, deep in my heart there lies a lack of submission to God specifically. I am finding submission especially difficult lately because it seems that He has assigned me a particularly odious task.
It seems like God's marching order for me these days is to wait. He continually draws me to passages with this emphasis and the quiet witness of the Spirit in my heart is to wait, to be still. Just this evening I was reminded of Is. 30. The people of Israel would not wait for the Lord and His plan for them. Instead they made plans to save themselves. The Lord responds in verse 15: “In repentance and rest is your salvation,in quietness and trust is your strength,but you would have none of it." I find so much of my own journey reflected in the attitudes and actions of the Israelites.
I am a man of action. I need something to do, a mountain to climb, a challenge to overcome, a task to accomplish. I want to move things along, to drive things. Sometimes I think I would rather move in the wrong direction rather than just sit still. So, the Lord is asking me to wait, to be still and know that He is God, to rest in quietness and trust. This is among the toughest assignments He could give me. Waiting on Him is contrary to my heart, my culture, my personality, my training. Everything in me screams to get moving, to plan the next steps, to think my way out of the doldrums; but He tells me to wait, to be still, to trust. So, here I am waiting, praying that He will speak and release me from the prison of stillness, learning to submit to the King of the Universe.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
The Journey of Faith
I am hungry for God and want more than anything to know Him and walk with Him, but I find the journey toward Him to be excruciating. I believe that I am on the right path, but I am SO impatient for my own growth. I find it hard to enjoy the journey, and instead find myself frustrated with myself and with others along the way. I find the process to be roughly analogous to physical training. It is hard work and the good that it achieves may not be readily felt of ever fully known; and yet over time the change can be perceived, if not by the eye then in the experience of living in the improved body. I agree with Paul that physical training is of some value, and trust that he is right when he says that training in godliness is of great value for the present life as well as the one to come.
God is refining me and that requires humility. But, the way to humility is through humiliation. Perhaps not for everyone, but it certainly seems to be for me. Yet again I find myself smarting after an interaction. I find myself longing to be understood and valued for who I am. I know that the reason it feels so bad is because I have not reached the holy indifference to the opinion of man that is the mark of true humility. I am wondering if this is even possible short of heaven. And yet, I see progress. I can see some progress in my own life and as I talk with and read those who are farther along I believe that much more is attainable than I have yet laid hold of. So, I press on.
And yet, I’m tired. Tired of being judged. Tired of being misunderstood. Tired of trying to fit into some mold of what a man should be, a Christian should be, a leader should be. I long to be free to be completely who I am. I do not long to stop changing or growing, it is that I long to be free to grow along the path that is uniquely mine, rather than the paths that others would mark out for me. There are a few true companions who know me, who give me the freedom to be who I am, and love me enough to push me to be a better version of myself. These are precious gifts to me that sustain and encourage me on the journey. Perhaps God alone should be enough for me, but I am grateful for these boons, these treasures, these friends.
I recognize that I not only lack humility, but I also lack faith. I can be a little self-congratulatory about my ability to step out into the unknown, but true faith is trust, not tolerance for ambiguity. I am reminded about a story I once read about a knight who served a lord. One day, the lord asked him to extend his sword arm. As he did so his lord raised his sword and poised to strike the blow that would sever his hand from his arm and end his fighting career. The knight was faced with a crucial test of his trust in his superior. I feel like God has asked me to extend my hand. Do I trust Him enough to leave my hand extended, to draw near enough to Him to be within striking distance? Or, do I withdraw it because I don’t trust that it will be worth it. I know that there will be pain and loss, but do I trust that the purpose will be worth the pain. Do I trust my commander, my Lord, enough to be expendable, to be expended on the battlefield? We may dream of marching victoriously with the conqueror, but who dreams being counted among the dead and maimed on the battlefield? Do I trust Him enough to let Him wound me?
After all, He is not tame. There are those who would assure me that my vision of God is too grim, too bloody, but I wonder if they have not emasculated God in their desire to make Him more amiable. The God of the scriptures is fierce and bold. He slays His enemies, and sometimes His friends. He is not random nor capricious, but neither is He tame and domesticated. He never acts out of character, but he chastises those who would reduce Him to formulas and platitudes; Job’s friends and the Pharisees are the most obvious examples of this. So, do I trust this wild God? Do I trust Him enough to be crushed by Him? What if I am not Joseph, or David, who endured the trials and depredations for a time, and were later exalted? What if I am Jonathan, or the thousands of unnamed warriors who were faithful and obedient and died in the struggle? Can I trust Him then? I cry out with Peter, “Where else can I go Lord? Who else has the words of eternal life?” And with Job, “I know that my redeemer lives” and “though He slay me, yet I will trust in Him.”
God is refining me and that requires humility. But, the way to humility is through humiliation. Perhaps not for everyone, but it certainly seems to be for me. Yet again I find myself smarting after an interaction. I find myself longing to be understood and valued for who I am. I know that the reason it feels so bad is because I have not reached the holy indifference to the opinion of man that is the mark of true humility. I am wondering if this is even possible short of heaven. And yet, I see progress. I can see some progress in my own life and as I talk with and read those who are farther along I believe that much more is attainable than I have yet laid hold of. So, I press on.
And yet, I’m tired. Tired of being judged. Tired of being misunderstood. Tired of trying to fit into some mold of what a man should be, a Christian should be, a leader should be. I long to be free to be completely who I am. I do not long to stop changing or growing, it is that I long to be free to grow along the path that is uniquely mine, rather than the paths that others would mark out for me. There are a few true companions who know me, who give me the freedom to be who I am, and love me enough to push me to be a better version of myself. These are precious gifts to me that sustain and encourage me on the journey. Perhaps God alone should be enough for me, but I am grateful for these boons, these treasures, these friends.
I recognize that I not only lack humility, but I also lack faith. I can be a little self-congratulatory about my ability to step out into the unknown, but true faith is trust, not tolerance for ambiguity. I am reminded about a story I once read about a knight who served a lord. One day, the lord asked him to extend his sword arm. As he did so his lord raised his sword and poised to strike the blow that would sever his hand from his arm and end his fighting career. The knight was faced with a crucial test of his trust in his superior. I feel like God has asked me to extend my hand. Do I trust Him enough to leave my hand extended, to draw near enough to Him to be within striking distance? Or, do I withdraw it because I don’t trust that it will be worth it. I know that there will be pain and loss, but do I trust that the purpose will be worth the pain. Do I trust my commander, my Lord, enough to be expendable, to be expended on the battlefield? We may dream of marching victoriously with the conqueror, but who dreams being counted among the dead and maimed on the battlefield? Do I trust Him enough to let Him wound me?
After all, He is not tame. There are those who would assure me that my vision of God is too grim, too bloody, but I wonder if they have not emasculated God in their desire to make Him more amiable. The God of the scriptures is fierce and bold. He slays His enemies, and sometimes His friends. He is not random nor capricious, but neither is He tame and domesticated. He never acts out of character, but he chastises those who would reduce Him to formulas and platitudes; Job’s friends and the Pharisees are the most obvious examples of this. So, do I trust this wild God? Do I trust Him enough to be crushed by Him? What if I am not Joseph, or David, who endured the trials and depredations for a time, and were later exalted? What if I am Jonathan, or the thousands of unnamed warriors who were faithful and obedient and died in the struggle? Can I trust Him then? I cry out with Peter, “Where else can I go Lord? Who else has the words of eternal life?” And with Job, “I know that my redeemer lives” and “though He slay me, yet I will trust in Him.”
Friday, June 20, 2008
The book I'm reading
I find myself both challenged and encouraged by the book I'm reading, "The Voice of Jesus" by Gordon T. Smith. It is the latest in a series of books I've been reading about prayer and developing my relationship with God. Smith starts by looking at three Christian thinkers who wrestled with how God speaks with us. What is interesting is that he has selected Ignatius Loyola (the founder of the Jesuits), John Wesley (the founder of Methodism), and Jonathan Edwards (the profound American Reformed pastor and theologian).
Although these three men are from three different traditions they agree that God speaks to us personally. I long to hear from God with greater frequency and clarity and this book has been an encouragement to me that this is not a futile pursuit. I believe that there is much more potential to hear from Him than is generally acknowledged. I believe that I can train myself to hear His voice if I will but invest my time and energy in that direction. I believe that we give up too easily and settle for so much less than is available to us.
Although these three men are from three different traditions they agree that God speaks to us personally. I long to hear from God with greater frequency and clarity and this book has been an encouragement to me that this is not a futile pursuit. I believe that there is much more potential to hear from Him than is generally acknowledged. I believe that I can train myself to hear His voice if I will but invest my time and energy in that direction. I believe that we give up too easily and settle for so much less than is available to us.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
The Power of Prayer
I find myself struggling with the value of prayer. I see that it has transformational value for myself. It also has clear value in developing a more intimate relationship with the Lord. My struggle is about the practical value of prayer. Is it true that "the prayers of a righteous man accomplish much"? (James 5:16)
I have often heard the emphasis placed on prayer and on the "prayer of faith", but I find myself loosing faith in prayer. I think that I have misplaced my faith when I place it in prayer, as if prayer is a powerful force in an of itself. I believe that as I loose my faith in prayer, I am gaining more faith, more trust, in God. God is the mover. God is the source of power.
He is not an impersonal force like electricity that can be switched on or off through a "prayer of faith". He is a person who has a will and plans of His own. Is it true to say that prayer is powerful and effective, or would it be better to say that God is powerful and that prayer is the sum of our interactions with Him. When we are acting rightly, as His regents, His priests, in His Name, He delights to grant us our requests. Therefore, the prayers of a righteous man are powerful and effective, in that they are the means by which God releases His power and gains glory for Himself.
I have often heard the emphasis placed on prayer and on the "prayer of faith", but I find myself loosing faith in prayer. I think that I have misplaced my faith when I place it in prayer, as if prayer is a powerful force in an of itself. I believe that as I loose my faith in prayer, I am gaining more faith, more trust, in God. God is the mover. God is the source of power.
He is not an impersonal force like electricity that can be switched on or off through a "prayer of faith". He is a person who has a will and plans of His own. Is it true to say that prayer is powerful and effective, or would it be better to say that God is powerful and that prayer is the sum of our interactions with Him. When we are acting rightly, as His regents, His priests, in His Name, He delights to grant us our requests. Therefore, the prayers of a righteous man are powerful and effective, in that they are the means by which God releases His power and gains glory for Himself.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Meeting with God
Every day is filled with opportunities to meet with God. Every day is laden with the possibility for a divine ambush. To meet with God is an honor and a privilege that is available to everyone, but one that is fraught with danger, for you never know what God will do, or say.
God does not exist for us, but rather the other way around. In Him we live and move and have our being. He created all things, and all things were created by and for Him. He owns all things, myself included. So, to meet with Him is to meet with the awesome and terrifying King of the Universe. It is an audience with Immensity. It is a conversation with unbridled Power, Wisdom, and Glory.
It is a gift beyond measure that we can waltz into the Holy of Holies with reckless abandon. We can meet with the Immutable God without fear. For God Himself has made a way for us. He laid down His life so that we can have real life. The veil has been torn, and we now have direct access to the Father. We assume this tremendous privilege because we have always had this level of intimacy available to us, as has everyone that we have ever known, but it was not always this way. The saints and prophets of old longed for this, but died longing for what we take for granted.
So, today, I set aside time again to meet with Him. He does not always meet with me in special ways, but I set the time aside and dedicate it to seeking His face. Sometimes He visits me in special ways, and sometimes I spend the time in study and prayer with no special visitation. I have grown to enjoy both kinds of times. To be honest the times of studying His Word and intercessory prayer are often more peaceful and less painful. For when He comes, He pursues me with an intentionality and intensity that often leaves me sore from the probing of my heart.
Today was one of those times when He spoke to me. He probed my heart again and showed me that many of my decisions are made from my own desires. He graciously pressed down on some tender spots and directed me toward the place of growth for me. Unfortunately, or so it feels, that place is the crucible of isolation and obscurity. There is much more winnowing to be done in my heart. It is for my own good, and I am grateful for it, but the threshing sledge falls with terrible force to crack the husks and release the grain trapped inside. I am grateful for the meeting, if still a little sore. But it's a good sore, like the tenderness of muscles after a long, hard work out. A tenderness that speaks not of brokenness alone, but of a strength that is growing; the pain in the price of growth.
God does not exist for us, but rather the other way around. In Him we live and move and have our being. He created all things, and all things were created by and for Him. He owns all things, myself included. So, to meet with Him is to meet with the awesome and terrifying King of the Universe. It is an audience with Immensity. It is a conversation with unbridled Power, Wisdom, and Glory.
It is a gift beyond measure that we can waltz into the Holy of Holies with reckless abandon. We can meet with the Immutable God without fear. For God Himself has made a way for us. He laid down His life so that we can have real life. The veil has been torn, and we now have direct access to the Father. We assume this tremendous privilege because we have always had this level of intimacy available to us, as has everyone that we have ever known, but it was not always this way. The saints and prophets of old longed for this, but died longing for what we take for granted.
So, today, I set aside time again to meet with Him. He does not always meet with me in special ways, but I set the time aside and dedicate it to seeking His face. Sometimes He visits me in special ways, and sometimes I spend the time in study and prayer with no special visitation. I have grown to enjoy both kinds of times. To be honest the times of studying His Word and intercessory prayer are often more peaceful and less painful. For when He comes, He pursues me with an intentionality and intensity that often leaves me sore from the probing of my heart.
Today was one of those times when He spoke to me. He probed my heart again and showed me that many of my decisions are made from my own desires. He graciously pressed down on some tender spots and directed me toward the place of growth for me. Unfortunately, or so it feels, that place is the crucible of isolation and obscurity. There is much more winnowing to be done in my heart. It is for my own good, and I am grateful for it, but the threshing sledge falls with terrible force to crack the husks and release the grain trapped inside. I am grateful for the meeting, if still a little sore. But it's a good sore, like the tenderness of muscles after a long, hard work out. A tenderness that speaks not of brokenness alone, but of a strength that is growing; the pain in the price of growth.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Humility
Humility is not a virtue that is attained easily, and one that is pursued with little gusto. I speak from personal experience; not as one who has attained it, but as one who has little stomach for the journey towards it.
I know that to be humble is to be like Christ. I want to be like Christ. I am just not sure that I want to go through the formative processes to become like Him. The process of sanctification is not a process of sinning less and less, but rather a process of being conformed more and more to the image of our Saviour. He learned obedience through suffering. (Heb. 5:8) I am coming to believe that the only way for me to learn humility is through humiliation. That is a form of suffering that I studiously try to avoid.
I am struggling to simultaneously embrace both my beauty, power, and strength as a child of God, and my brokenness as a son of Adam. I suspect that somewhere along this road is true humility. I am a creature, and not the creator. Andrew Murray says that is the basis for humility, not my sinfulness or even brokenness. I wonder how many times God will have to graciously remind me of my lack of divinity before I will remember and allow the truth of that to penetrate my heart and infuse my life with true humility. Life giving, freedom granting, humility.
I know that to be humble is to be like Christ. I want to be like Christ. I am just not sure that I want to go through the formative processes to become like Him. The process of sanctification is not a process of sinning less and less, but rather a process of being conformed more and more to the image of our Saviour. He learned obedience through suffering. (Heb. 5:8) I am coming to believe that the only way for me to learn humility is through humiliation. That is a form of suffering that I studiously try to avoid.
I am struggling to simultaneously embrace both my beauty, power, and strength as a child of God, and my brokenness as a son of Adam. I suspect that somewhere along this road is true humility. I am a creature, and not the creator. Andrew Murray says that is the basis for humility, not my sinfulness or even brokenness. I wonder how many times God will have to graciously remind me of my lack of divinity before I will remember and allow the truth of that to penetrate my heart and infuse my life with true humility. Life giving, freedom granting, humility.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
The Wrestling Match
Well, my fast is over and my heart has been tenderized. Last night the Lord met me in a most unexpected way. I was praying for intimacy and blessing, and He answered, but in a way that leaves me grateful but a aching a bit.
I was reading "the Voice of Jesus" by Gordon T. Smith. I was reading about the various ways that the Holy Spirit meets with us. As I was reading and reflecting on the role of the Spirit I was suddenly aware of some really ugly spiritual pride that I have allowed to grow unchecked in my heart in the last few months. I have been judging others harshly, in my own mind, in an effort to protect myself by invalidating their perspectives and defending myself and my ideas. I have subtly been exalting myself and devaluing others. I have even gone as far as using sarcasm and scorn to recruit others to my low opinion of others.
I was crushed. I was sickened when I realized how long this has been going on and how insidious this sin was. I am once again impressed with my ability to deceive myself and rationalize my sin.
I am SO grateful that He met me and exposed my heart. He has graciously peeled back another layer and exposed the infection to the cleansing light of His love. As I was reflecting on whether this was the end of the wrestling match, or if I should continue the fast, I was reminded of the end of the original wrestling match between Jacob and God. It ended when God touched Jacob's hip and wounded him. So, I have decided that this match is over and God won. The beauty of it is, that when God wins I win because He is for me.
I was reading "the Voice of Jesus" by Gordon T. Smith. I was reading about the various ways that the Holy Spirit meets with us. As I was reading and reflecting on the role of the Spirit I was suddenly aware of some really ugly spiritual pride that I have allowed to grow unchecked in my heart in the last few months. I have been judging others harshly, in my own mind, in an effort to protect myself by invalidating their perspectives and defending myself and my ideas. I have subtly been exalting myself and devaluing others. I have even gone as far as using sarcasm and scorn to recruit others to my low opinion of others.
I was crushed. I was sickened when I realized how long this has been going on and how insidious this sin was. I am once again impressed with my ability to deceive myself and rationalize my sin.
I am SO grateful that He met me and exposed my heart. He has graciously peeled back another layer and exposed the infection to the cleansing light of His love. As I was reflecting on whether this was the end of the wrestling match, or if I should continue the fast, I was reminded of the end of the original wrestling match between Jacob and God. It ended when God touched Jacob's hip and wounded him. So, I have decided that this match is over and God won. The beauty of it is, that when God wins I win because He is for me.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Expectations
I am in the first day of my fasting and prayer in pursuit of God. I want to quiet myself before Him, and to not let go of Him until He blesses me.
On the other hand, I'm wondering what my expectations should be. I don't know if I'm desiring a level of intimacy and connection that will only be available to me in heaven. I don't know if I'm being selfish and demanding. I want Him to meet with me. I want to hear from Him. I have had that experience before, but I feel like this time I am more desperate. I wonder if I'm pushing myself too hard in seeking something that is unrealistic. I know that I haven't pushed myself much at all.
This morning as I was wondering about this I was reminded of 1 Tim. 4:7b-8. "...train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come." I know that I have spent precious little effort training myself to be godly. So, while I don't know where this will lead, I feel like it's time for me to take this training seriously.
On the other hand, I'm wondering what my expectations should be. I don't know if I'm desiring a level of intimacy and connection that will only be available to me in heaven. I don't know if I'm being selfish and demanding. I want Him to meet with me. I want to hear from Him. I have had that experience before, but I feel like this time I am more desperate. I wonder if I'm pushing myself too hard in seeking something that is unrealistic. I know that I haven't pushed myself much at all.
This morning as I was wondering about this I was reminded of 1 Tim. 4:7b-8. "...train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come." I know that I have spent precious little effort training myself to be godly. So, while I don't know where this will lead, I feel like it's time for me to take this training seriously.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Desperate for God
Today I spent a couple of hours on my face before God. I read scripture, journaled, and sat in silence before Him. I told Him that I was desperate for Him to meet with me, to manifest Himself to me, to show Himself to me. I am desperate for answers to questions, but more than that, I'm desperate to meet with Him. I felt this SO keenly today. I do not feel like He is hiding, nor silent, but neither is He speaking to me as I have experienced Him in the past.
As I lay before Him today I wrestled with my desire for Him. I feel like my desperation needs to be expressed in more than just words. I hunger and thirst for Him. I will be the importunate widow who will knock and ask, and ask again, until He grants my request...until He meets with me and tells me His will for me. And so, I will fast and pray. I will quiet myself and fast from media as well as food. I will seek Him with all that I am. Surely He will meet with me. It's time for more than words.
As I lay before Him today I wrestled with my desire for Him. I feel like my desperation needs to be expressed in more than just words. I hunger and thirst for Him. I will be the importunate widow who will knock and ask, and ask again, until He grants my request...until He meets with me and tells me His will for me. And so, I will fast and pray. I will quiet myself and fast from media as well as food. I will seek Him with all that I am. Surely He will meet with me. It's time for more than words.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Fits and Starts
I have noticed that I live my life in fits and spurts. I tend to focus on something really well for a time, but eventually I get distracted. Unfortunately, this happens often in my pursuit of God. Something will remind me of the centrality of Christ, and for a time I will be intentional in my pursuit of Him. These spurts of spiritual pursuit are not bad in and of themselves, but I long for a more steady and sustained pursuit of Him over time. Eugene Peterson calls discipleship "a long obedience in the same direction". I can look back over many years now and see that the general trajectory of my life, for quite some time now, has been upwards towards Christ, but the path is more sporadic than I would like. I am too easily distracted by "lovers less wild". Oh my heart is prone to wander. May God bind my wandering heart to Him!
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