Why do we continue to return to our old sinful habits and practices? It makes no sense to me, and yet I do it. I know that when I return to the old cisterns that they will be broken and toxic as they have ever been, and yet, somehow it seems to me that it is worth another try. The fountain of living water is there and available. It is tried and been found satisfying time after time, but somehow the cisterns which have done nothing but poison me and repeatedly fail me still have a draw.
What is it in my soul that refuses to learn?! How many times do I have to attempt to find satisfaction in sin and wake up miserable before I will grasp reality? Why does the lie still have power? What is the lie that I am believing? They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results each time. If that’s true, then I must be insane.
It’s as if I am walking down the street minding my own business. I see a box lying there. It’s the old familiar sin. I see the crank on the side and I remember all the other times that I have been in this same place. It is familiar, almost comfortable. I feel the draw, I entertain the thought. I remember the rush of illicit pursuit and the draw becomes stronger. I tell myself that I am not going to pick up the box, or open it, I am just going to look at it.
I am not stupid enough to turn the crank again. I won’t even open it; I’ll just look at it. So, I take those first fateful steps toward the box. As I draw near I see the colors and my memory stirs a curiosity in me. I wonder what is inside. I wonder what will happen if I turn the crank this time. I wonder if it will be different this time. Maybe this time the box holds the thing that I am seeking. Maybe this time I will find that my hearts desire really is inside.
Although the box looks the same, I am sure that this time it will be different. This time when I turn the crank and the box opens a beautiful, satisfying mystery will be revealed. This time I will be happy, fulfilled and satisfied. I will feel pleasure and not the rough leather of the old boxing glove flying out of the box to connect with my face. This time there will be no rude awakening afterwards, only a pleasant afterglow. Pleasure not pain.
So, I decide to turn the crank. Just one time I tell myself. I am not really going to open it, I just want to see what will happen if I turn it once…nothing…See, that wasn’t so bad. I’ll just turn it one more time…I start to hear the first faltering notes of the clanging melody. The melody is familiar and I want to hear a few more notes. I’m not going to open the box…I just want to hear a few more notes. Maybe this time the song will take me where I want to go, maybe this time the promise will be fulfilled. So, I turn the crank again…more music, and no pain yet…Yes! This time will be different. I turn it again and again, my adrenaline is rushing my heart is pounding. This time I will find what I am looking for. This time it will be different. Look at the colors, hear the music, how could this end in pain?! Again and again I turn the crank the music picks up and I start to feel the urge to dance to it…I am in my element, a familiar place. I know this music…the crank feels so natural in my hand. I pick up the pace and keep turning the crank, lost in the music and waiting for the gratification.
BLAM! I am flat on my back. The pain is back. I ache with the realization that I have been taken again. I am hurt and can’t believe how stupid I was to go down this path again. How could I have fallen for this again? It always ends the same way! Tomorrow will be different. When I see the box lying there I will turn and walk away. Or will I? I have said this before, what can save me, who can help me? I need someone to be with me and to help me. I can’t face this temptation alone. My only hope is that one who is wiser than I will walk with me and save me from myself. So, I will place my hand in His and when I see the box tomorrow, He will remind me of the end of the story. I will cling tightly to Him and He will lead me away and keep me safe, moment by moment.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Monday, February 26, 2007
Humility
Andrew Murray says that the Christian life should be marked primarily and indelibly by humility. This illusive virtue is one that I am coming to understand more and yet am far from possessing. It seems that it should be obtainable, and is often spoken of in scripture, but is far from easy to really grasp or to get. How does one go about becoming humble?
Humility is primarily an inward attitude. It can’t be willed into existence any more than self-control. But it seems that there should be ways to cultivate it. It is a gift of God like faith, but with that also there is some human participation, but at a mysterious level, it is always God. It seems like humility should be something that flows from our inner man, but I recognize that it doesn’t. Only those who lack humility would claim to have achieved it. Is it possible to talk about humility with any certitude and still be humble?
It seems that humility is a true perspective on myself and God. This inner perspective is something that is difficult to move or change. Our hearts are desperately wicked and SO deceptive. I have a hard time understanding my own motivations and even actions. How many times have I found myself in a situation or in the midst of action only to wonder, “What was I thinking? How did I get here!?” I am driven by inner urgings, desires, and perspectives that I little understand. Psychology has been trying to uncover, label, and understand the things that drive us for many years, and a really insightful counselor can help to unravel some of the surface mysteries of our minds, and yet, these are mostly theories that leaves the depths of the soul untouched. This is helpful, but still leaves me puzzled by the deeper movements of my soul.
I am beginning to understand that humility is the essential virtue. I can not be fully human and find my place in this world without humility. To be all that a human can be is to be honest with our inadequacies and foibles as much as with our gifts and talents. We are all tragically flawed. We are all marred images of our creator. We are all glorious ruins that point to once and future glory, but which now are in various stages of disrepair. How can I cooperate with God in His work of re-creating my soul?
Humility is the starting point! I am a dependent creature, not the creator. I am not the Master, but rather a servant, a steward. It is true that I am also a son and have been invested with real responsibility, but I must remember that I am not the king. I am not in control, and was never meant to be in control. I need to be commanded and controlled by the One who sees the future, who knows the plans, who knows the best way forward. I simply do not understand the past or know the future. I barely know where I am now, and that imperfectly.
When I make myself the arbiter of truth and the center of my world I have bought into Satan’s primordial lie…that I can be like God. There is a God and I am not Him. When I start to live in light of the lie I have started the slide toward impoverishment and enslavement of my soul. This step away from the right understanding of my true condition is a the beginning of my descent into insanity. It is crazy to believe that I know what is best.
Perhaps humility can best be cultivated by remembering who I am and who He is. I am a weak and frail human who has been invested with true power to serve my King. The power and the gifts are all His, and so is the glory. My only task is to ask my King what He would have me do and to do that. All else is pride and insanity.
Humility is primarily an inward attitude. It can’t be willed into existence any more than self-control. But it seems that there should be ways to cultivate it. It is a gift of God like faith, but with that also there is some human participation, but at a mysterious level, it is always God. It seems like humility should be something that flows from our inner man, but I recognize that it doesn’t. Only those who lack humility would claim to have achieved it. Is it possible to talk about humility with any certitude and still be humble?
It seems that humility is a true perspective on myself and God. This inner perspective is something that is difficult to move or change. Our hearts are desperately wicked and SO deceptive. I have a hard time understanding my own motivations and even actions. How many times have I found myself in a situation or in the midst of action only to wonder, “What was I thinking? How did I get here!?” I am driven by inner urgings, desires, and perspectives that I little understand. Psychology has been trying to uncover, label, and understand the things that drive us for many years, and a really insightful counselor can help to unravel some of the surface mysteries of our minds, and yet, these are mostly theories that leaves the depths of the soul untouched. This is helpful, but still leaves me puzzled by the deeper movements of my soul.
I am beginning to understand that humility is the essential virtue. I can not be fully human and find my place in this world without humility. To be all that a human can be is to be honest with our inadequacies and foibles as much as with our gifts and talents. We are all tragically flawed. We are all marred images of our creator. We are all glorious ruins that point to once and future glory, but which now are in various stages of disrepair. How can I cooperate with God in His work of re-creating my soul?
Humility is the starting point! I am a dependent creature, not the creator. I am not the Master, but rather a servant, a steward. It is true that I am also a son and have been invested with real responsibility, but I must remember that I am not the king. I am not in control, and was never meant to be in control. I need to be commanded and controlled by the One who sees the future, who knows the plans, who knows the best way forward. I simply do not understand the past or know the future. I barely know where I am now, and that imperfectly.
When I make myself the arbiter of truth and the center of my world I have bought into Satan’s primordial lie…that I can be like God. There is a God and I am not Him. When I start to live in light of the lie I have started the slide toward impoverishment and enslavement of my soul. This step away from the right understanding of my true condition is a the beginning of my descent into insanity. It is crazy to believe that I know what is best.
Perhaps humility can best be cultivated by remembering who I am and who He is. I am a weak and frail human who has been invested with true power to serve my King. The power and the gifts are all His, and so is the glory. My only task is to ask my King what He would have me do and to do that. All else is pride and insanity.
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