Respect

I don’t like to be laughed at. I don’t like to be mocked. I don’t know why it cuts me to the heart, but if I am honest I have to say that I am afraid of being disrespected. Maybe this is because of something that I didn’t get from my father, or maybe there is some other reason, but I know that this is true in my heart. I don’t think that this impacts my day to day life very much, but I am beginning to wonder how much it impacts my relationship with God.

In my life I have had many opportunities to engage in dialogue with relatively learned non-believers. They have often responded that they were surprised to find a Christian who could dialogue with them about the various topics under discussion. They were intrigued that someone who understood their arguments could also believe in and worship God. I have to admit that their esteem felt good. Even as their compliments heaped disrespect on my brothers and sisters in the faith, they felt good to me. After all who wants to be thought of as a fool? Their comments fed my need for respect. I didn’t think about it like that at the time. I thought that I was showing them a path to God that wouldn’t require them to check their brains at the door.

I know that you can follow Christ and be a thinker too, but it is also true that following Christ demands a childlike humility that surrenders even our desire for clear answers to some of life’s most perplexing questions. God is not afraid of our questions, but he often doesn’t answer as we would like. My pursuit of truth leads me to ask questions and as I follow the path of inquiry I find that each winding path leads me back to God. I am after enlightenment and clear answers and God is after relationship. It’s not that I don’t ask the questions, but I am finding that I tend to discuss the questions and to seek answers from other people, rather than asking God. My honest inquiry should include consultations with His people living and dead, but I believe that the primary focus of my inquiry should be dialogue with His Spirit, which He sent to guide us into all truth, regarding His revealed Word. I really need to talk with God about my questions.

But this leads me back to my need for respect. I don’t want people to think that I am a lunatic. After all, what kind of crackpot claims to have conversations with God? I am starting to realize that my passionate pursuit of God is leading me into areas which will leave me open to charges of extremism and excess. I am coming to a place where I am really desiring and just starting to experience a conversational relationship with God. I was comfortable with the version of Christianity I was raised in where I read His Word and applied His principles to my life, but reasonable people just didn’t expect to hear the voice of God. But now I am asking Him questions and am beginning to really expect Him to answer. I have much to learn and far to go, but my ear is beginning to discern his whispered responses. I am growing in confidence in my prayer life and am starting to wonder where this will all lead me. What kind of arrogant fool claims to hear the voice of God?

I know that if I continue down this path that many in my life will not only disrespect me, but may actually start to question my sanity. Am I willing to endure that? Am I really willing to be a fool for Christ? I am willing to be His disciple during the triumphal entry. I am willing to reign and rule with Him, but am I willing to endure the scorn and shame of the cross? He was despised and rejected. I cannot expect to follow Him and receive different treatment than He did. Faced with the choice of accompanying Him to the cross I find myself wanting to deny Him like Peter. May God have mercy on me! I know that He will be faithful to complete the work that He has started in me. I also know that there are many who have walked this road before me and that they testify that it is worth it. He is both the destination and my constant companion on the journey.