Being Forgotten

I was reading Matthew 10 this morning and I found myself feeling bad for Thaddaeus. Almost all of the other disciples have a parenthetical comment after their names. Simon (also called Peter), Andrew (Peter’s brother), Matthew (the tax collector), even Judas Iscariot (who later betrayed him) got a line. But Thaddaeus is just Thaddaeus. I am sure that I have read his name before, but he is one of the forgettable apostles. Obviously, Thaddaeus didn’t know that he would get no additional commentary when the gospels were written years later. He didn’t know that Peter would be looked upon as the “rock” of apostolic succession in Rome. I am pretty sure that it wouldn’t even bother him if he did know. So, why does it bother me?

I think it bothers me because I don’t want to be a forgotten part of the story. I want notes next to my name. I want people to know that I existed and that I was important. I know that this is sick and wrong and the story is about Jesus not Thaddaeus or me. But there is something in me that desperately desires to be known. Maybe it is because of my love for history. I don’t know where it comes from, but I know that I desire to be a part of the history books when I am gone. I want books written about me. I don’t want to be unmentioned and forgotten. At least Goliath got billing, but what about all the others who died in battle without their names ever being known or mentioned. What about their stories?

Why is it when I read the scriptures I see myself as Peter, or David, or Paul, but not as one of the unnamed characters? What if God doesn’t want anyone to know my name? I can pray with John the Baptist that He may increase and that I may decrease, but I want to do this from a place of status. I just read a book that talked about “self-addiction” and I realize that this is how my addiction to my self plays out. I want glory, fame and renown, not just for now, but for all times. I want history to record my life and passing as something significant. I want to be a main part of the story; not to go unmentioned, or to be a footnote. I want a chapter written about me! Why is it then that God calls me to labor in obscurity; for all the things that I have done and been a part of doing to be chalked up to someone else’s column? I don’t think I would mind so much if all the glory went to God, but when the glory goes to someone else, it galls me. I want to shout, “Hey! I was there too!! It was actually my idea!! He didn’t do it by himself! Can I get an honorable mention, just a parenthetical statement would be fine!?”

The truth is that my sadness for Thaddaeus reveals my own mixed and twisted motives. It’s true that I am serving the Lord and (by and large) obeying Him and doing the things He has asked me to do, but in my heart I want people to notice and to be impressed. It is base and wicked, but it is true. I want people to see me and to be impressed with me. I tell myself that I will give all the glory to God when He elevates me, but I am pretty sure that I would want to steal just a bit for myself and surreptitiously hide it away. I would cut out the press clipping and pull it out from time to time to reassure myself that I am important “because it says so right here”. I once read in Christianity Today about the 100 up and coming Christian leaders of my generation. I was actually personally acquainted with a few of them, but I secretly wanted my name to make the list. A part of me couldn’t believe that they didn’t call me for a comment of a picture.

I am so grateful that God loves me. He knows my twisted heart and He loves me anyway. He still chooses to use me, and to use others with similarly twisted motives. I guess He doesn’t have a lot to choose from as we are a pretty messed up group. I pray that He will have mercy on me and that He will change my heart. Lord Jesus have mercy on me a sinner! I know that I have no hope for the salvation of my soul apart from you and that my heart is still desperately wicked and beyond knowing. By you know me and you love me. That gives me hope.