Becoming Who I Am

Have you ever wondered who you are? Have you ever wondered about your real identity, the part of you that is deeper than your profession, your education, your culture, or your family of origin? Who are you at your core?

I had two dreams the other night. Not the kind of dreams that simply rehash the day's events. These dreams had a different quality to them. They felt different even in the midst of them, and they felt very different as I awoke and pondered on them. They have stayed with me for days now and the more I reflect on them, the more convinced I am that they were God dreams. 

The first dream was a long-forgotten incident from my past. A formative experience that gave me one of the labels that has hindered me in my process of becoming. I awoke from the dream wondering about it and was moved to prayer. I asked God about the significance of the event and why it came up at this time. I received no answer.

After falling back to sleep, I immediately had another dream. In this dream I was taking in immense power but was afraid to release the power. I was filled with incredible power by God, but didn't know what to do with it or how to use it in a way that wouldn't ultimately damage myself or others. Again, I awoke and turned to the Lord in prayer, asking for His guidance and interpretation.

It was then that He met me. 

As I prayed I was filled with a sense of His presence and power. I was moved as I felt Him confirming that the vision in the second dream was me. The first dream revealed the source of pain and the genesis of a lie that has bound me for years. The truth is that God has filled me with immense power, but my fears and insecurities keep this power from being expressed for His Kingdom. At first I was hesitant to accept this as true because it seemed self-aggrandizing.

As I spoke this out to the Lord, I suddenly realized that it is not. To recognize this truth about myself is to acknowledge that all of God's kids are similarly powerful. Our power, our gifts, are all different, but we are all uniquely created by Him and invested with tremendous power, the same power that raised Christ Jesus from the dead. All of God's kids are immensely powerful, we are partakers of the divine nature! 

But we are all living as less than we really are. We have been beaten down or tricked into believing that we are less than we are. We have been imprisoned by the lies we have believed about ourselves. The lies we drank down with our mother's milk. The lies specifically designed to keep us from realizing who we really are and becoming the powerful ministers we were designed to be.

As I lay there on my bed, wrestling with all of this, I felt like I was waking up for the first time, as if scales were falling from my eyes. I was beginning to grasp a new vision of myself, and all of God's children, through the eyes of God. I also saw all of the hurtful experiences falling into a pattern, a well designed scheme to ensnare and enslave me; experiences tailored to re-enforce the lies that kept me bound for years.

In my case, I believed that I was an embarrassment, not to be trusted, I was dangerous, and I was a failure. These lies have hindered me and kept me from seeing God as He really is and myself as I really am, and as I could be.

What are the lies keeping you from becoming who you are?

An Eternal Kind of Life

One of the amazing and little experienced truths Jesus taught is this: He came to give us the abundant life.

It sounds pretty straight forward, but we rarely touch this true life, this eternal kind of life. We often settle for something less than true fellowship with the Spirit, true intimacy with the Father, true identification with the Son. We settle for the humdrum life of this world when infinitely more is offered to us.

Even in Christian circles we redefine the abundant life as something less than it really is. We make it roughly synonymous with the American Dream. We make it about relational harmony or financial security, or access to modern conveniences and creature comforts. The eternal kind of life is much deeper than just these superficial aspects of our lives.

Jesus gives us a glimpse of it when he invited all who are thirsty to come to Him and drink, and then issued the audacious promise that, if we do, the Holy Spirit will bubble up within us and flow out of us. We will be filled to overflowing with the power and presence of God. He said that we would do even greater things than He did.

Is that your experience?

It is rarely mine, but I have tasted it. I tasted it again on my last trip to Asia. I felt God's presence and was privileged to partner with Him. I watched in awe as He revealed Himself too me and then through me to others. I literally saw supernatural miracles happen. I lived for 10 days in the awareness of His presence and power.

Then I got on a plane and flew home. I feared that this trip would be an anomaly and that I had no choice but to return to my normal life. But the real beauty of this trip is that He has come home with me. He has continued to meet with me and to speak to me. He has continued to partner with me and has encouraged me to keep living like this.

So, I am choosing to cultivate the lifestyle that I had on the trip. Less extraneous noise. More time spent intentionally seeking Him. Recognizing my fears and insecurities that keep me from willingly submitting all to Him, and humbly laying these too at His feet.

I am finding that the "mountain top" isn't a place you go, but a presence you cultivate.

I have caught myself returning to old patterns of thinking and asking. I have been distracted by the inane and mundane that calls itself news. I have allowed myself to lose focus and live again as if this world is all there is. I have been drawn to escape or to binge, but my brief forays into the mundane leave me wondering. Why in the world would I choose that when so much more is available to me?

Why do we?