What is it about me that I am always looking out beyond the horizon for my happiness? I am blessed beyond belief. My life is full, I have been given more than any man has a right to and am surrounded by those I love and who love me. But there is a niggling inkling in the back of my mind. If only I had… then I would really be happy. If only I lived…then I would be really happy. There is a picture in my mind of the blissful place; the perfect setting, the picture with no wants and no flaws. It’s not always there, but in times of quiet reflection, or times of stress, there’s no telling just when it may appear, but suddenly it’s there in my mind. It is not a sinful picture (most of the time). It’s just a picture of a place different than where I am right now.
The more I entertain this picture, this illusion, the more power it begins to exert on me. I start to be dissatisfied with the blessings that fill my life now. It starts to change my mood, my perspective on the things surrounding me starts to get dark and cloudy. It starts to alter the way I view people. People become either a barrier to overcome on the road to my illusive paradise, or they become a means to get me there. No longer are they children of God, dearly loved and meant to be served, but rather objects to be used to gratify my desires or obstructions to be battered down and removed from the road to happiness.
The central illusion, the lie, is that there is something in this world that will satisfy the cravings of my heart. I was made for God. I was made for heaven. Augustine said that our hearts are restless until they find their rest in God. Pascal said that in the heart of every man there is a God shaped vacuum. My heart yearns for God and it yearns for the satisfaction and rest that will not be mine until heaven. There is no denying that even as I follow hard after God and experience more joy and satisfaction than I ever thought possible I am still aware of a hunger within. I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.
It seems that the best that I have found on earth is to be who I was created to be and to use the gifts and resources that He has entrusted to me to do the things that He has prepared in advance for me to do. I keep hearing the Scottish brogue of a character in a movie called Chariots of Fire. The movie is based on a true story about British runners in the 1920’s. One of them is Eric Liddell. Liddell was a pastor and a missionary to China, but was also an exceptionally fast runner. In one scene, his sister is trying to talk him out of running in the Olympics because she is afraid that he will become enamored with the fame and never go to China. He responds, “I believe that God made me with a purpose and that purpose is China, but He also made me fast, and when I run I feel His pleasure.”
I believe that God has made each of us with a purpose and when we do what He has created us to do, we feel His pleasure. In fact, what we experience is the presence and the power of the Spirit coursing through us as we exercise the gifts that He has given us to do the work He has entrusted to us. Paul tells us that we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do the good works that He has planned in advance for us to do. When we acknowledge this and decide to trust Him and to acknowledged who he has created us to be and then do the works that He has put before us, we are on the path to experience Him more and more in our daily lives.
This doesn’t get rid of the ache for heaven, but the sweet fellowship with His Spirit transforms the ache from a driving pain to a sweet reminder that there is more waiting for us.
Friday, March 2, 2007
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Expectation and Conversation
I am not a morning person. I am the kind of person who would prefer to stay up late and sleep in the morning. There are many cultures where this is normal, unfortunately I was not born into such a culture, nor apparently were my wife and kids who all like to go to bed early and wake up early. For the last week or so, I have been living on their time schedule. One of the benefits of this is that I have been getting into God’s Word early every morning, in fact, it is the first thing I have been doing after I get out of bed. (Minus the obligatory trudge to the coffee maker for my morning caffeine fix.)
I have grown in the last few years to be more consistent in my times with God, but have usually done this either immediately after I go to the office, or more often, in the evenings after my family is in bed and the house is quiet. I have enjoyed those times and I have had many meaningful connections with God and wonderful times in His Word. I have no regrets about that habit. I have often scoffed and responded somewhat defensively to those who indicate that those who would really seek God must do so early in the morning. I still don’t buy that, but I have found myself really enjoying these early morning meetings with God. I enjoy the renewal of perspective that this provides and the way that it sets my mind and heart in the right direction for the day. I appreciate the way that God’s voice is the first voice I hear, before the cacophony of other voices start to sound in my ears, heart, and mind.
I have found myself opening the Word with the expectation the God will speak to me. He is the God who wants to and will reveal Himself to me, or will reveal to me something about myself. This is a sweet development in my relationship with God. It has been coming on slowly, and after many years of darkness and growth I can just see the first sprig budding from the ground. I love that He has developed this expectation of revelation in me. It’s not just the fact that He has spoken, or can speak, but that He will speak. If I am honest I have to admit to some fear mixed with this wonder. After all, this is the awesome and terrifying Creator God. He is an all consuming fire. The mountains melt like wax before Him. He is a lion, but also a lamb. He is gentle and kind and a smoldering wick He will not extinguish. Still He is completely free and somewhat unpredictable. He is trustworthy, but only He knows the end from the beginning, and there is no easy certainty about what He will do or say. In scripture He often does exactly what we would not expect Him to do. I trust Him and I am getting to know Him better and better but what kind of real understanding can I have of His thoughts or ways which are higher than mine as the heavens are high above the earth.
So, this morning as my eyes fell on Psalm 51 (the starting place for my reading for the day) there was a shock in my mind and a corresponding physical jolt in my body. I was somewhat afraid of what He would say. I have often come to this Psalm in times of grief and repentance. I was not sure what He would say to me today. What would He reveal? What sin would He uncover and lay bare? What would wound would He probe causing pain, but ultimately healing? What variety of love could I expect from Him today? Would it be the hard discipline due to a wayward son, the gentle embrace of the Father to a prodigal, or the tender encouragement to keep on the path I am on? I have received all these and more in the past, and I know which ones I would prefer, but only He knows what I need to grow. He is the perfect, all-knowing and loving Father.
His love for me is fierce. It will brook no rivals or competitors for my affections. Other lovers less wild have no place in my life, and He will be brutal in his confrontation of these. He loves me too well to let me continue to sell myself into slavery. Sometimes He must take up a whip of cords to cleanse the temple of my heart. He brings conviction and comfort in season.
I am so grateful for the development of this conversational relationship. I love that He is becoming so real to me that I am expecting Him to speak. I want more than outward obedience to a set of biblical principles. I want a real relationship with a living person, and am so glad that He showed me this long hoped for thing becoming reality this morning. May He draw me closer day by day.
I have grown in the last few years to be more consistent in my times with God, but have usually done this either immediately after I go to the office, or more often, in the evenings after my family is in bed and the house is quiet. I have enjoyed those times and I have had many meaningful connections with God and wonderful times in His Word. I have no regrets about that habit. I have often scoffed and responded somewhat defensively to those who indicate that those who would really seek God must do so early in the morning. I still don’t buy that, but I have found myself really enjoying these early morning meetings with God. I enjoy the renewal of perspective that this provides and the way that it sets my mind and heart in the right direction for the day. I appreciate the way that God’s voice is the first voice I hear, before the cacophony of other voices start to sound in my ears, heart, and mind.
I have found myself opening the Word with the expectation the God will speak to me. He is the God who wants to and will reveal Himself to me, or will reveal to me something about myself. This is a sweet development in my relationship with God. It has been coming on slowly, and after many years of darkness and growth I can just see the first sprig budding from the ground. I love that He has developed this expectation of revelation in me. It’s not just the fact that He has spoken, or can speak, but that He will speak. If I am honest I have to admit to some fear mixed with this wonder. After all, this is the awesome and terrifying Creator God. He is an all consuming fire. The mountains melt like wax before Him. He is a lion, but also a lamb. He is gentle and kind and a smoldering wick He will not extinguish. Still He is completely free and somewhat unpredictable. He is trustworthy, but only He knows the end from the beginning, and there is no easy certainty about what He will do or say. In scripture He often does exactly what we would not expect Him to do. I trust Him and I am getting to know Him better and better but what kind of real understanding can I have of His thoughts or ways which are higher than mine as the heavens are high above the earth.
So, this morning as my eyes fell on Psalm 51 (the starting place for my reading for the day) there was a shock in my mind and a corresponding physical jolt in my body. I was somewhat afraid of what He would say. I have often come to this Psalm in times of grief and repentance. I was not sure what He would say to me today. What would He reveal? What sin would He uncover and lay bare? What would wound would He probe causing pain, but ultimately healing? What variety of love could I expect from Him today? Would it be the hard discipline due to a wayward son, the gentle embrace of the Father to a prodigal, or the tender encouragement to keep on the path I am on? I have received all these and more in the past, and I know which ones I would prefer, but only He knows what I need to grow. He is the perfect, all-knowing and loving Father.
His love for me is fierce. It will brook no rivals or competitors for my affections. Other lovers less wild have no place in my life, and He will be brutal in his confrontation of these. He loves me too well to let me continue to sell myself into slavery. Sometimes He must take up a whip of cords to cleanse the temple of my heart. He brings conviction and comfort in season.
I am so grateful for the development of this conversational relationship. I love that He is becoming so real to me that I am expecting Him to speak. I want more than outward obedience to a set of biblical principles. I want a real relationship with a living person, and am so glad that He showed me this long hoped for thing becoming reality this morning. May He draw me closer day by day.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Opening the Box
Why do we continue to return to our old sinful habits and practices? It makes no sense to me, and yet I do it. I know that when I return to the old cisterns that they will be broken and toxic as they have ever been, and yet, somehow it seems to me that it is worth another try. The fountain of living water is there and available. It is tried and been found satisfying time after time, but somehow the cisterns which have done nothing but poison me and repeatedly fail me still have a draw.
What is it in my soul that refuses to learn?! How many times do I have to attempt to find satisfaction in sin and wake up miserable before I will grasp reality? Why does the lie still have power? What is the lie that I am believing? They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results each time. If that’s true, then I must be insane.
It’s as if I am walking down the street minding my own business. I see a box lying there. It’s the old familiar sin. I see the crank on the side and I remember all the other times that I have been in this same place. It is familiar, almost comfortable. I feel the draw, I entertain the thought. I remember the rush of illicit pursuit and the draw becomes stronger. I tell myself that I am not going to pick up the box, or open it, I am just going to look at it.
I am not stupid enough to turn the crank again. I won’t even open it; I’ll just look at it. So, I take those first fateful steps toward the box. As I draw near I see the colors and my memory stirs a curiosity in me. I wonder what is inside. I wonder what will happen if I turn the crank this time. I wonder if it will be different this time. Maybe this time the box holds the thing that I am seeking. Maybe this time I will find that my hearts desire really is inside.
Although the box looks the same, I am sure that this time it will be different. This time when I turn the crank and the box opens a beautiful, satisfying mystery will be revealed. This time I will be happy, fulfilled and satisfied. I will feel pleasure and not the rough leather of the old boxing glove flying out of the box to connect with my face. This time there will be no rude awakening afterwards, only a pleasant afterglow. Pleasure not pain.
So, I decide to turn the crank. Just one time I tell myself. I am not really going to open it, I just want to see what will happen if I turn it once…nothing…See, that wasn’t so bad. I’ll just turn it one more time…I start to hear the first faltering notes of the clanging melody. The melody is familiar and I want to hear a few more notes. I’m not going to open the box…I just want to hear a few more notes. Maybe this time the song will take me where I want to go, maybe this time the promise will be fulfilled. So, I turn the crank again…more music, and no pain yet…Yes! This time will be different. I turn it again and again, my adrenaline is rushing my heart is pounding. This time I will find what I am looking for. This time it will be different. Look at the colors, hear the music, how could this end in pain?! Again and again I turn the crank the music picks up and I start to feel the urge to dance to it…I am in my element, a familiar place. I know this music…the crank feels so natural in my hand. I pick up the pace and keep turning the crank, lost in the music and waiting for the gratification.
BLAM! I am flat on my back. The pain is back. I ache with the realization that I have been taken again. I am hurt and can’t believe how stupid I was to go down this path again. How could I have fallen for this again? It always ends the same way! Tomorrow will be different. When I see the box lying there I will turn and walk away. Or will I? I have said this before, what can save me, who can help me? I need someone to be with me and to help me. I can’t face this temptation alone. My only hope is that one who is wiser than I will walk with me and save me from myself. So, I will place my hand in His and when I see the box tomorrow, He will remind me of the end of the story. I will cling tightly to Him and He will lead me away and keep me safe, moment by moment.
What is it in my soul that refuses to learn?! How many times do I have to attempt to find satisfaction in sin and wake up miserable before I will grasp reality? Why does the lie still have power? What is the lie that I am believing? They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results each time. If that’s true, then I must be insane.
It’s as if I am walking down the street minding my own business. I see a box lying there. It’s the old familiar sin. I see the crank on the side and I remember all the other times that I have been in this same place. It is familiar, almost comfortable. I feel the draw, I entertain the thought. I remember the rush of illicit pursuit and the draw becomes stronger. I tell myself that I am not going to pick up the box, or open it, I am just going to look at it.
I am not stupid enough to turn the crank again. I won’t even open it; I’ll just look at it. So, I take those first fateful steps toward the box. As I draw near I see the colors and my memory stirs a curiosity in me. I wonder what is inside. I wonder what will happen if I turn the crank this time. I wonder if it will be different this time. Maybe this time the box holds the thing that I am seeking. Maybe this time I will find that my hearts desire really is inside.
Although the box looks the same, I am sure that this time it will be different. This time when I turn the crank and the box opens a beautiful, satisfying mystery will be revealed. This time I will be happy, fulfilled and satisfied. I will feel pleasure and not the rough leather of the old boxing glove flying out of the box to connect with my face. This time there will be no rude awakening afterwards, only a pleasant afterglow. Pleasure not pain.
So, I decide to turn the crank. Just one time I tell myself. I am not really going to open it, I just want to see what will happen if I turn it once…nothing…See, that wasn’t so bad. I’ll just turn it one more time…I start to hear the first faltering notes of the clanging melody. The melody is familiar and I want to hear a few more notes. I’m not going to open the box…I just want to hear a few more notes. Maybe this time the song will take me where I want to go, maybe this time the promise will be fulfilled. So, I turn the crank again…more music, and no pain yet…Yes! This time will be different. I turn it again and again, my adrenaline is rushing my heart is pounding. This time I will find what I am looking for. This time it will be different. Look at the colors, hear the music, how could this end in pain?! Again and again I turn the crank the music picks up and I start to feel the urge to dance to it…I am in my element, a familiar place. I know this music…the crank feels so natural in my hand. I pick up the pace and keep turning the crank, lost in the music and waiting for the gratification.
BLAM! I am flat on my back. The pain is back. I ache with the realization that I have been taken again. I am hurt and can’t believe how stupid I was to go down this path again. How could I have fallen for this again? It always ends the same way! Tomorrow will be different. When I see the box lying there I will turn and walk away. Or will I? I have said this before, what can save me, who can help me? I need someone to be with me and to help me. I can’t face this temptation alone. My only hope is that one who is wiser than I will walk with me and save me from myself. So, I will place my hand in His and when I see the box tomorrow, He will remind me of the end of the story. I will cling tightly to Him and He will lead me away and keep me safe, moment by moment.
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