My Brother

I have a brother.  I've never seen him face to face, but I know him. He died many years before I was born. I have read the story of his life. I have read his words and have grown to love him. I knew him first by reputation. I heard people talking about him. Then, one day, I met him.

I just talked with him again this morning. We talk frequently these days.  I have gotten to know him pretty well through the years, but as we plumb the depths of our relationship I realize that I am nowhere near the bottom.

Today I am wondering about what it was for him when he was growing up. I know that he had a mom and dad as well as brothers and sisters. He was the first born and the circumstances around his birth were somewhat scandalous. There were questions about his legitimacy, his mother's honor and fidelity, his real parentage.

What was it like for him to learn to walk? What was it like for him to learn to speak? How did he learn to obey? I know that he had a body and a brain very much like mine. He was filled with sweat, spit, and blood. He was full of curiosity and questions. He felt sadness, frustration, and anger as well as happiness and joy. He had a great since of humor as well.

He lived a real human life with all of the temptations and trials that we all experience. He lived and learned, making mistakes along the way, but he did it all without sinning. He did it all without breaking fellowship with his Heavenly Father. He showed us that it could be done. He showed us how it could be done.

I have long known that Jesus was God, that Jesus was my King. Now, I long to know him as a man, as my brother.

Significance

This week I have to make some decisions.  I am faced with an array of opportunities, relationships, and events, and I can't do all of them.  I'm not even sure that I am supposed to do any of them.  Silence and simplicity are a clear part of my calling, but resist these parts as I strive for significance.  On some level I have bought into the lie that the more I do the more significant I am.

The very fact that I am still striving, seeking, searching for significance shows that I have missed it.  The desire itself betrays me.  It shows me that I am still measuring myself against something.  I am still looking for something or someone to tell me I am significant.  The real problem is not just that I am looking in the wrong direction, it is that I am looking at all.

God has already declared that I am significant.  According to God I am His Child, a member of a holy nation, a royal priesthood.  I am an heir with Christ, seated in the heavenly realms.  I am one of the foolish and despised things of the world, that He has declared to be something significant.  I am one of the things that was not, but is now because He spoke it into being.  The same God who spoke and their was light has spoken words of blessing and affirmation over me.

The same God who created the universe by declaring it into existence, has declared that I am His child.  He made me, and is remaking me.  He is the center of all things.  He is the One from which all things derive their meaning and existence.  Things are at their heart whatever He declares them to be.  Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart.  If He says that I am significant, then I am.  It is a fact.  A fact that I loose sight of all to easily.  I know I have lost sight of it when I am living my life trying to become something less than I already am.

Learn to Discern

I desperately want to know God.  I want to know Him personally and to interact with Him.  It isn't that I don't know God's Name.  I know His Name and I know Him personally, but I want to know Him more.  I have talked with Him and on a few occasions I have heard His reply to my question or my cry.  It's not that He is fully unknown.

I want to know Him like I want to know my wife.  I want to know the way she is thinking.  I want to understand her emotions.  I want to know what makes her smile and what makes her mad; but it's not just the information I want, it's the connection.  I want to know her and I want to be known by her.  I want to belong to her and for her to belong to me.  Of course all of this is already true on one level, but I want more.

I read His Word.  I pray and I worship in song.  I feel His presence, but not with the kind of regularity that I want, that I believe is possible.  I want to hear His voice and to be able to tell the difference between His voice and the other voices echoing in my head.  I want to be able to know when it is Him speaking and when it is just me, my parents, or my culture.  I want to learn to rightly discern His voice.

This is not just idle curiosity.  As a Christian I believe that Christ is my Saviour as well as my model for life and ministry.  I want to live like Christ.  Jesus always only did what He saw His Father doing.  I can't do that right now, because more often than not I have no idea what God is doing.  I am sure that He is at work, but only rarely can I trace His fingerprints on a situation until after the fact.  So, I need to train my senses, my mind, and my heart to be alert to Him and His movements.  I believe that discernment is both a gift and a skill, or rather a gift that God gives to all His children that can be increased with practice.  I want to learn to discern.

Spiritual Retreat

I just got back from a 48 hour spiritual retreat. I have been trying to schedule these personal, generally silent, retreats for several years now. I find it really hard to carve out the time to do them, but I'm never sorry when I do. This retreat was no exception.

For this retreat, my wife and I went together, but decided not to talk with each other for the first 24 hours and then limited our conversation to what we were hearing and learning. Soon after I arrived I found myself simply enjoying the silence and the beauty of the rose garden. Then I noticed a rabbit sitting among the roses staring back at me. I don't know how long he had been sitting there, or how long I had been staring at him before I noticed him. I was immediately struck by the immediacy of God and the fact that every moment of every day is pregnant with the possibility of meeting with God. My problem is that I rarely slow down enough to be attentive. This was to be the theme for the retreat, as again and again, God popped up as I sat in silence, walked the grounds, read scripture, read good books, and spent time in prayer and contemplation.

I spent most of the weekend camped in Mark 10. I was drawn to it a few weeks prior when the phrase "What do you want me to do for you?" jumped of the page and became a very personal question. Jesus asks the question twice in the passage, once to James and John (who selfishly ask for glory) and once of blind Bartimaeus (who asks to see). I was struck by the parallels of the question and the divergence of response. Then, I had to answer the question. What is it that I want God to do for me? Not theoretically, but actually. The Lord of the Universe is actually present, standing before me always asking this question and waiting to give me everything that is really good for me.

This is the problem. God is not a vending machine, He is a good Father. He is not manipulated or controlled by us. He is wild and free...and good. He doesn't appear to me when I demand, but He is never distant. He denies James and John's request to sit at His right and His left, but He grants sight to the blind man. He is constantly available and is longing for the dialogue. The dialogue is the purist expression of faith. Even when He says "no" the beauty is that we can hear His voice. We can learn to speak His language and to hear His voice more readily if we will but take the time to be attentive and to believe that He wants to communicate with us.

The Opposite of Faith

I recently had dinner with some old friends. I have known them for more than 10 years. As we talked it became clear that they no longer believe in Jesus. At one point they were involved in church, reading and praying daily, and doing all the things that we would normally expect to see in a growing Christian. Today they are wondering if it was all self-deception, if they just imagined that they experienced God. In short, they have lost their faith.

We talked for hours sharing our journey and listening to theirs. They shared about their frustrations with the church, the hypocrisy of their Christian friends, their doubts about the reliability of Scripture, and their apparent lack of loss and new found freedom as they have abandoned their faith. It is not that they are living lasciviously, or are abandoning their morality. It is simply that they do not have faith.

All of this has me reflecting on the nature of faith, and specifically wondering about the opposite of faith. My friends' journey away from God began with doubt. When they expressed their doubts to other Christians they were admonished to "have faith", to "believe and not to doubt". I am wondering if the opposite of faith is really doubt, and if the cure to doubt is to just believe. It seems to me that the opposite of faith might be apathy or inaction. My friends are now living lives apart from Christ because of their doubts. They have rightly identified real problems and as these difficult realities sowed doubts in their minds, they pulled back to investigate and to find out what was true. However, as they pulled back they didn't really plunge into the investigation, or devote themselves to the search, they simply stopped pursuing to see what would happen. When nothing "bad" happened, they figured it was all a sham.

As I reflect on my own journey I am struck that it is filled with periods of doubt and turmoil. I think that the difference is one of relationship and perhaps of activity. When I am struck by doubts and difficulties I tend to talk about these things with God and with those closest to me. This reaffirms my important relationships including my relationship with God, even as the doubts remain real and the difficulties may not dissipate. I don't think that my life will ever be free of doubts and puzzling paradoxes, but it seems that my faith is expressed when I choose to engage the doubts and wrestle with God about them. The talking with Him, the wrestling with Him, even the shouting at Him, are all actions that express faith. Withdrawing from Him and simply ignoring Him these are un-faith.

The Voice of God

I'm pretty sure I've written about this before, but I can't help writing about it again. I am reading in the Gospel of John right now and am repeatedly struck by Jesus relationship with the Father, and with all the references to voice and speaking.

Jesus clearly demonstrated an intimacy with the Father that far surpasses that of my own. My early training assured me that this was because He is God and that I should not expect that I will have personal communication with the Father. Just recently I heard a report that a respected teacher at my church publicly reaffirmed the position, namely that God does not speak to us personally now because He has given us the Scriptures. According to this position, that I thought was historical rather than current, God speaks to us today exclusively through His written Word.

This was a very comfortable position for me because it normalized my personal experience, or rather the lack there of, with God. I felt fine about not personally hearing from or interacting with God other than through the intellectual pursuit of knowledge through the Bible. I was not challenged to break through to an interactive, conversational relationship with God. Instead I was warned about people who pursued this path as fanatics, dreamers, and potential heretics. I did not object because I found the teaching to be reasonable and I trusted the teachers.

While I still respect my teachers and value the solid Biblical grounding that underpins my faith, I have found that my journey has led me to radically different conclusions. The more time I spend in the Gospels, the more it seems to me that God intends to interact with each of His children very personally. Is not this what we mean when we say that "Christianity is not a religion, it is a relationship"? I cannot tell you how many times I heard these words in the church growing up, but only now recognize the irony. We said the words, but denied the possiblity of any real relationship.

A relationship is a living and active thing. It is not enough to read about the interactions that God had with people to know Him personally. It is not enough to read the words He spoke to them, the ways that He interacted with them. I want to interact with Him. i want to hear His voice and do His will. I am pretty sure that is what Jesus promises to us.

Hide and Seek

I find myself engaged in a sort of game of hide and seek with God. In one sense I have always been playing the game where I am hiding from Him, like Adam in the garden, and He is patiently seeking me. I hid from Him for many years and used many strategies to avoid discovery. I was afraid of his soul penetrating gaze. I was afraid I would be caught and uncovered. I was certain that I could not stand naked and unashamed before Him. So, I hid.

To my surprise, I found much joy and relief when He finally caught me. I finally surrendered myself and purposed to not hide from Him, or from myself, any longer. The ruthless self assessment and the stripping that has followed, have revealed that I was even worse off than I thought, but that He was even better than I dreamed. He has patiently been pursuing me and healing me all these years.

That, however, is not the game of hide and seek that I am pondering this morning. Today, I find myself reflecting on the divine hider. I feel like we have switched roles. Now, I am the one who is seeking and He is the one who is hiding; not in a mean spirited way, but rather in a playful way.

It is a sort of romantic hide and seek. He is beckoning me on, and is playfully hiding, all the while leaving clues as to where we will have our next hidden rendezvous. He hides to see if I will pursue. When I find that I can not help but pursue I discover that He has become and is becoming the desire of my heart. This is a welcome discovery and, I believe, is at least part of His reason for playing this game with me. He is demonstrating to me that I really do love Him. Through my doubts, through my fears, through the places that still need healing, I have grown to love Him. I am growing and changing after all!

So, I will seek my God though I only see Him now through a glass darkly. Someday I will know Him as He knows me. I will see Him fully and completely as He sees me. Then, I suppose He will teach me other games to play.