I should be working today.
My desk is a mess. It's so bad that I am not even sitting there as I write this. I've moved into the other room. The problem is that I've been working in this room for a few days now, and I've pretty much destroyed this place too.
It tells me something about the state of my soul, when I allow my environment to disintegrate like this. But it doesn't feel bad. It feels like something is brewing, percolating, poking me.
But what? What is it?
I feel creativity rising up in me. I have felt it for weeks, although I haven't named it until this moment.
I now realize that I have been running from it.
But Why?
Because creativity is scary...at least to me. I feel this urge to create, but then I find myself struggling with my voices. The voices of my past, of my experiences, the voices in my head that come against creating. I recently marveled as I read Josh Irby describe these voices. I thought, "How does he know what happens when I try to create?"
It's not that I've been unhappy, or unhealthy. Aside from staying up a little too late and not getting as much sleep as I should, I've been fine. I've been experiencing God, loving my family, and doing my job. But I have also been trying to ignore The Voice.
There are times when The Voice is telling me to do something I don't want to do. I don't want to speak or to write. I don't want to risk. The voices tell me it is all for the best. I should just keep my head down, not aim too high, not venture too far. They are familiar, they comfort and cajole, they are part of me. When this wears thin, they do their best to intimidate and distract, but ultimately The Voice will be heard. The Voice is relentless.
The Voice invites me to be who He made me to be. The Voice invites me to create, and forces my creativity to the surface, the creative expressive part of me that He is redeeming, the best parts of me, the parts of me that are my own true voice. The Voice pushes and prods, making a way for me to approach the Throne of Grace and to take what I find there and to speak it, sing it, dance it, write it, to communicate it to the world.
Today, The Voice used a video by Dave Grohl (a video not for the faint of heart, but perfect for this old punk rocker) to remind me that my voice matters. To remind me that in choosing to create and express my voice there is freedom and power. The video itself felt like a distraction. But I was drawn to it, and couldn't stay away. In hindsight, I see that He was leading me to a voice that I would resonate with. Profane, but honest and insightful, He used Dave's voice to call forth my own.
So today I choose again to create and write, no matter what the critics think or the market will buy. The joy is in the journey not the response of the spectators. The victory is in the creating. But the greater victory is in harkening again to The Voice and enjoying the fellowship of the Spirit in this previously walled off area of my heart.
Showing posts with label calling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label calling. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Friday, October 7, 2011
Why do you do what you do?
I have received two emails recently that have puzzled me, and that is a good thing. The confusion forces me to engage with the questions they raise. Essentially, two trusted friends have asked me why I am writing. Both have observed that I am not going to get famous or make any money writing what I do as I do. (Particularly because I have designated that all royalties go directly to charity.) At the core, their the question was, "Why bother writing?"
It is a fair question. Particularly when I look at the sales of the last book, which have not gone through the roof. When two trusted people ask you the same question, it is worth a good think.
As I have pondered this , I have come to this conclusion: I write because God has asked me to write. Several years ago God broke into my life and specifically encouraged me to write. As a part of a spiritual retreat, I asked Him, "What do you want me to prioritize in this next season of ministry?" And much to my surprise He answered me. I have found it dangerous to ask God questions! More than once I have been surprised when He has spoken up and answered what I had intended to be a rhetorical question in my prayer times.
Unfortunately, He did not tell me what to write, nor did He promise me that anyone would read what I write. He simply told me to make writing a part of what I do. I spent the next 4 years doing everything except writing. I argued with Him, telling Him that it was pretentious of me to write. After all...who am I to write? I'm no John Piper, Dallas Willard, or C.S. Lewis. I told Him that I didn't have time to write, I was too busy doing other things for the Kingdom. I filled my schedule with people and projects and steadfastly refused to write. Eventually, I started to write little things and that was how this blog got started.
However, I found that I could not encourage others to move forward in their relationship with God while steadfastly refusing to follow His direction in my own life. My fears and insecurities did not go away, but I finally chose to stop resisting and procrastinating. I did not know what was going to come out when I sat down and actually started writing. I still had no direction from on High. But, as I started writing, the book Pursuit of a Thirsty Fool took shape. It was during the process of writing and re-writing that the opportunity for publishing suddenly emerged, and that was how I "accidentally" became a published author.
I do not know that the next book will see the light of day. I know that the process of writing the last one, and this one, has propelled me into the arms of God. This process has forced me to face my own weakness, fears, and insecurities. I have grown and changed in the process of creating. God has used this process to draw me closer to Himself. God is re-creating me as I create.
I believe it is my job to write the best book I can. I work hard, I offer it as a gift to my King, and I trust that He will use it as He sees fit. If He uses it to impact one or a million, is up to Him. I like the way that Keith Green said it, "You do your best and pray that it's blessed, and He'll take care of the rest."
I don't write to be famous. I don't write to make money. I don't write to have an impact. I don't write because I think I have something profound to say. I write because I believe it is part of the work that God has prepared in advance for me to do. (Eph. 2:10)
Why do you do what you do?
It is a fair question. Particularly when I look at the sales of the last book, which have not gone through the roof. When two trusted people ask you the same question, it is worth a good think.
As I have pondered this , I have come to this conclusion: I write because God has asked me to write. Several years ago God broke into my life and specifically encouraged me to write. As a part of a spiritual retreat, I asked Him, "What do you want me to prioritize in this next season of ministry?" And much to my surprise He answered me. I have found it dangerous to ask God questions! More than once I have been surprised when He has spoken up and answered what I had intended to be a rhetorical question in my prayer times.
Unfortunately, He did not tell me what to write, nor did He promise me that anyone would read what I write. He simply told me to make writing a part of what I do. I spent the next 4 years doing everything except writing. I argued with Him, telling Him that it was pretentious of me to write. After all...who am I to write? I'm no John Piper, Dallas Willard, or C.S. Lewis. I told Him that I didn't have time to write, I was too busy doing other things for the Kingdom. I filled my schedule with people and projects and steadfastly refused to write. Eventually, I started to write little things and that was how this blog got started.
However, I found that I could not encourage others to move forward in their relationship with God while steadfastly refusing to follow His direction in my own life. My fears and insecurities did not go away, but I finally chose to stop resisting and procrastinating. I did not know what was going to come out when I sat down and actually started writing. I still had no direction from on High. But, as I started writing, the book Pursuit of a Thirsty Fool took shape. It was during the process of writing and re-writing that the opportunity for publishing suddenly emerged, and that was how I "accidentally" became a published author.
I do not know that the next book will see the light of day. I know that the process of writing the last one, and this one, has propelled me into the arms of God. This process has forced me to face my own weakness, fears, and insecurities. I have grown and changed in the process of creating. God has used this process to draw me closer to Himself. God is re-creating me as I create.
I believe it is my job to write the best book I can. I work hard, I offer it as a gift to my King, and I trust that He will use it as He sees fit. If He uses it to impact one or a million, is up to Him. I like the way that Keith Green said it, "You do your best and pray that it's blessed, and He'll take care of the rest."
I don't write to be famous. I don't write to make money. I don't write to have an impact. I don't write because I think I have something profound to say. I write because I believe it is part of the work that God has prepared in advance for me to do. (Eph. 2:10)
Why do you do what you do?
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Skylarks and Writing
Yesterday I took a long walk through the fields. I spent some of the time praying for people I love and some of it laughing at my dog and her ridiculous enjoyment of her romp.
It was a gusty blustery day. The wind came howling off the water, up and over the cliffs. Sea spray was whisked off the waves and strewn across the meadows near the edge. It was a wild and wonderful day to be out in nature. I was even more alone than usual as most people had sense enough to stay indoors, but I loved it. Drinking in the wildness and the power, I was reminded that this is but a pale reminder of the power of God.
I rarely pause and sit on days like this, but as I came to a place that was partially sheltered from the wind, I decided to sit and take it all in. I found a springy bit of turf and long grass and settled into a little hollow. As I did, I noticed bird song wafting through the air. Over the din of wind and waves, a beautiful song sailing along. A single song from the throat of a creature I couldn't see. I could tell is was coming from far above me. I strained my eyes to find the source.
It took me a bit of searching to locate the tiny bird high in the sky. A single tiny bird struggling to gain altitude and singing his heart out. It was a skylark. He had ventured up into the sky on a violently windy day to sing his song in the hope that a female might be wooed by the beauty of his song and join him in the nest he had made in the meadow below. I watched for nearly 10 minutes as his song varied and changed, repeating themes. All the while his little body was being battered and flung about by the wind; his wings beating furiously, his song unwavering.
Then, suddenly, he dropped from the sky as if he had been shot. He dropped straight down probably 100 meters. Just above the ground his free fall morphed into an elegant swoop and with a flutter, he was gone; back into the nest he had created. His song stilled, his exhaustion complete.
I sat silently marvelling at the scene I hat witnessed. Wondering... Was I the only one who heard his song? It seemed like a lot of fruitless effort. Such hard work, for what return? He utterly spent himself flinging his song into the universe, pouring all his effort into its creation, only to drop exhausted to the earth.
As I lay there in the grass pondering this, I felt the gentle call to self-reflection and conversation with the Father. I realized that my writing is much like the skylark. I have laboured long and hard to create, to express the song within me. I have striven to put my heart on a page and have flung it into the world, inviting others to learn from my lessons to profit from my pain. I am hopeful that it is not in vain, but in the end, I drop exhausted from the effort and wondering if any have heard my song.
What makes the skylark sing? What makes me write? He is compelled by instinct; an instinct placed within him by the all loving Father. I am compelled by the love of God and something in me cries out to be expressed in words. I believe that this too has been placed there by the Father. And so, he sings and I write all to the glory of God; not knowing what comes next, only playing our role as best we know how.
It was a gusty blustery day. The wind came howling off the water, up and over the cliffs. Sea spray was whisked off the waves and strewn across the meadows near the edge. It was a wild and wonderful day to be out in nature. I was even more alone than usual as most people had sense enough to stay indoors, but I loved it. Drinking in the wildness and the power, I was reminded that this is but a pale reminder of the power of God.
I rarely pause and sit on days like this, but as I came to a place that was partially sheltered from the wind, I decided to sit and take it all in. I found a springy bit of turf and long grass and settled into a little hollow. As I did, I noticed bird song wafting through the air. Over the din of wind and waves, a beautiful song sailing along. A single song from the throat of a creature I couldn't see. I could tell is was coming from far above me. I strained my eyes to find the source.
It took me a bit of searching to locate the tiny bird high in the sky. A single tiny bird struggling to gain altitude and singing his heart out. It was a skylark. He had ventured up into the sky on a violently windy day to sing his song in the hope that a female might be wooed by the beauty of his song and join him in the nest he had made in the meadow below. I watched for nearly 10 minutes as his song varied and changed, repeating themes. All the while his little body was being battered and flung about by the wind; his wings beating furiously, his song unwavering.
Then, suddenly, he dropped from the sky as if he had been shot. He dropped straight down probably 100 meters. Just above the ground his free fall morphed into an elegant swoop and with a flutter, he was gone; back into the nest he had created. His song stilled, his exhaustion complete.
I sat silently marvelling at the scene I hat witnessed. Wondering... Was I the only one who heard his song? It seemed like a lot of fruitless effort. Such hard work, for what return? He utterly spent himself flinging his song into the universe, pouring all his effort into its creation, only to drop exhausted to the earth.
As I lay there in the grass pondering this, I felt the gentle call to self-reflection and conversation with the Father. I realized that my writing is much like the skylark. I have laboured long and hard to create, to express the song within me. I have striven to put my heart on a page and have flung it into the world, inviting others to learn from my lessons to profit from my pain. I am hopeful that it is not in vain, but in the end, I drop exhausted from the effort and wondering if any have heard my song.
What makes the skylark sing? What makes me write? He is compelled by instinct; an instinct placed within him by the all loving Father. I am compelled by the love of God and something in me cries out to be expressed in words. I believe that this too has been placed there by the Father. And so, he sings and I write all to the glory of God; not knowing what comes next, only playing our role as best we know how.
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
Vocation
Vocation is not career. Vocation is calling. Calling is not a once for all event, but can change over time with the will of the Caller in particular times and places.
Upon reflection I see how God has moved in my life in so many ways to prepare me for where I am right now. I don’t know what will come around the bend, but I know that He wants me to live rightly, love mercy, and walk humbly with Him.
It is this last aspect of walking humbly that is the root of my growing understanding of vocation. I was raised to think of vocation as it is used in the vernacular, a job, or career. But the root of the word is entirely different. It comes from the same root as “vocal” meaning to give voice to. God gives voice to His desires, His will, for us, and we hear Him and obey.
The sweet thing is that on this road of obedience we find our own deep and lasting joy. The calling may involve, or even necessitate, great pain, but the one who calls us has promised to work all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (Rom. 8:28) Do you see the emphasis in the text? I must say that the impact of the last portion of the verse is growing for me even as I write this.
God promises. Just that statement is amazing. The God of the universe, who flung stars into space, and created the very space and time into which they were flung, makes promises to mere mortal men and women; He promises to work everything out for a select group. He defines the group as those that: 1- love Him, and 2- Are called by Him according to His purpose. God knows what He is about, and He calls us to respond to Him. His general call is for everyone at all times, but the scriptures are replete with specific calls to specific people as well. In fact, the scriptures are essentially the record of God’s repeated calling to the World, and to individuals who have a role to play in the World. He honors us by giving us real power to wield; to make real choices with real impact on ourselves, and the World around us.
We have no concept how much our words, and actions influence the great confluence of seemingly random events that move history along. Even small decisions by small men and women can change the world. The thing is that often those who change the world, for good or evil never recognize or understand their contribution. To do that would require wisdom and perspective that we are simply not capable of. The beauty of it is that God is intimately aware of (and in an ultimate sense even in control of) every choice and every outcome, and how each one will influence each other one. He knits the disparate, and even the seemingly diametrically opposed pieces together into a cohesive whole that in the end will be beautiful and intelligible. The finished product will bring great glory to Him and will be the absolute best for each individual who hears His call and chooses to respond.
Actually, I should say, “chooses to obey”. For every person responds, but many respond by rejecting the overtures from the only Lover who can touch us where we most need to be touched. Only He sees and understands everything about us. Only He has the wisdom, power, and love to be worthy of our trust. But, no Lover has been more spurned and rejected, both by those whom He courts, but also by those who have pledged themselves to Him. He is cuckolded innumerable times every day, but continues to love and forgive, even has He disciplines. He does not punish us as we deserve, but neither does He spare us the rod of correction when it is needed. He is the perfect Lord and Father. He knows exactly what we need, and is not swayed from the right course by the influences of Sin on His own character. He has vanquished sin through His life, death, and resurrection. Now He calls us to live as He lived and has given us everything we need for life and godliness. The question is, how will we respond…
Upon reflection I see how God has moved in my life in so many ways to prepare me for where I am right now. I don’t know what will come around the bend, but I know that He wants me to live rightly, love mercy, and walk humbly with Him.
It is this last aspect of walking humbly that is the root of my growing understanding of vocation. I was raised to think of vocation as it is used in the vernacular, a job, or career. But the root of the word is entirely different. It comes from the same root as “vocal” meaning to give voice to. God gives voice to His desires, His will, for us, and we hear Him and obey.
The sweet thing is that on this road of obedience we find our own deep and lasting joy. The calling may involve, or even necessitate, great pain, but the one who calls us has promised to work all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (Rom. 8:28) Do you see the emphasis in the text? I must say that the impact of the last portion of the verse is growing for me even as I write this.
God promises. Just that statement is amazing. The God of the universe, who flung stars into space, and created the very space and time into which they were flung, makes promises to mere mortal men and women; He promises to work everything out for a select group. He defines the group as those that: 1- love Him, and 2- Are called by Him according to His purpose. God knows what He is about, and He calls us to respond to Him. His general call is for everyone at all times, but the scriptures are replete with specific calls to specific people as well. In fact, the scriptures are essentially the record of God’s repeated calling to the World, and to individuals who have a role to play in the World. He honors us by giving us real power to wield; to make real choices with real impact on ourselves, and the World around us.
We have no concept how much our words, and actions influence the great confluence of seemingly random events that move history along. Even small decisions by small men and women can change the world. The thing is that often those who change the world, for good or evil never recognize or understand their contribution. To do that would require wisdom and perspective that we are simply not capable of. The beauty of it is that God is intimately aware of (and in an ultimate sense even in control of) every choice and every outcome, and how each one will influence each other one. He knits the disparate, and even the seemingly diametrically opposed pieces together into a cohesive whole that in the end will be beautiful and intelligible. The finished product will bring great glory to Him and will be the absolute best for each individual who hears His call and chooses to respond.
Actually, I should say, “chooses to obey”. For every person responds, but many respond by rejecting the overtures from the only Lover who can touch us where we most need to be touched. Only He sees and understands everything about us. Only He has the wisdom, power, and love to be worthy of our trust. But, no Lover has been more spurned and rejected, both by those whom He courts, but also by those who have pledged themselves to Him. He is cuckolded innumerable times every day, but continues to love and forgive, even has He disciplines. He does not punish us as we deserve, but neither does He spare us the rod of correction when it is needed. He is the perfect Lord and Father. He knows exactly what we need, and is not swayed from the right course by the influences of Sin on His own character. He has vanquished sin through His life, death, and resurrection. Now He calls us to live as He lived and has given us everything we need for life and godliness. The question is, how will we respond…
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