What's the point?

This life is not the most comfortable, is it? Sometimes it is hard work just living! Sometimes it feels like life is a random mix of issues and experiences. It’s not that I’m complaining. I’m just reflecting on life under the sun. What do we gain from our work, from our sacrifice? What does the worker gain from his toil?

In Ecclesiastes 3, Solomon asks it this way:

What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.

This passage comes immediately after the most quoted section of Ecclesiastes, where Solomon lists all the various seasons of life and activities under heaven. As he ponders all the things that come into our lives, some delightful, some painful and everything in between, he comes to the question of gain. He is essentially asking, “What do we get out of all this? What is the point?”

As he ruminates, he recognizes the sovereignty of God. He points out the God shaped hole in our hearts and the limitations of our understanding. He says that if this world is all there is, the best we can hope for is to eat, drink, and enjoy our work. Even the ability to enjoy our work is a gift from God. But Solomon pushes deeper into the mystery. There must be more!

He then returns to the mystery of God’s implacable sovereignty. We hear echoes of Psalm 115:3 as Solomon extols God and irresistible and unchangeable will. But the why question remains. Why does God do these things? Why does He fill our lives with pain as well as pleasure? Why is their war as well as peace, hate as well as love, weeping as well as laughter?

The key to understanding this passage is the very last sentence. “God does it so that men will revere him.”

Reverence is the only right response of a creature before their Creator. Therefore, God’s goal in all that He does under the sun is to restore the right relationship between us and Him. All the seasons and experiences of our life are a gift from Him to realign our hearts with His. God is freely and creatively doing whatever is best for us, whatever will form us more completely into the likeness of His Son. God measures out, into our lives, exactly what we need to renew our perspective and draw us into right relationship with Him.

What do we gain from our toil?  What is the pay off for slogging through the peaks and valleys of life? We gain an ever deepening relationship with God. We gain God Himself.

Wandering

She bounds over the stile and is off like a rocket.

I climb to the top and watch with joy as she enjoys the field stretched out before us.

My dog, Oreo, is not supposed to go into the fields without me. She knows she is supposed to wait at the bottom of the stile as I go ahead. I have trained her with many treats to wait for me to go first. Sometimes the fields are full of cows and they don't respond with joy when she goes rushing in among them. The horses don't care much for her exuberance either.

So, I go first to make sure that it is safe, then I release her with a quick "okay" and she flings herself into the freedom of the fields with reckless abandon. She races here and there investigating everything and simply enjoying the freedom the fields bring. She can run hundreds of meters in virtually any direction. No leash, no fences, no limitations to her curiosity, just the distant hedges marking the edge of her temporary paradise.

I love seeing her free. I love her just being herself. Running. Sniffing. Rolling. Leaping. Romping. It makes me smile to see her just being a happy dog. She comes back to check in every few minutes, and when she does she gets another treat.

We both look forward to our walks.

As we reach the bottom of the first field, I call her to me intending for her come, sit, and receive a treat while I go over the stile first. She pauses, looking back at me over her shoulder, but doesn't come back.

Instead...She bounds over the stile and is off like a rocket.

This time I'm not smiling as I hurry to the stile, whistling and calling her. As I peer over I see her off in the distance leaping over yet another stile. She's not paying any attention. She's no longer even trying to obey.  She doesn't care about the treats. She is just gone.

As I hurry through the mud to close the distance between us, I see her cross into yet another field. A field where I know there are horses. Having seen her get kicked in the head once by a cow, I'm not eager to see her confronted by the horses.

I have now broken into a run and am yelling her name, not that she can hear me as she is easily 300 meters away and has disappeared over a hill in the adjacent field.

I continue running after her, concerned that she may get hurt, and wondering why oh why she would run away like this. We always have such a good time together! She has never run off like this before. It's not uncommon for her to go over a stile, but to run away entirely is a brand new behaviour.

As I go through yet another stile I come across some friends who have seen her. They point me in another direction; which is helpful as I no longer have any idea where she is headed or what she is doing. What has gotten in to her?!

Finally, I catch up with her and find her walking with another friend and his dog. I call out, and my friend and his dog turn and start toward me. Not my dog. Not Oreo.

No...Oreo, seems to have developed selective hearing. She doesn't even turn around. Then, she lies down and refuses to come to me. As I approach, she starts to squirm into the submissive position. She knows that she has run off, and she knows that nothing good will come of it. She has been away from me for at least 20 minutes while I ran through the fields pursuing her.

I put her on the lead and start for home, fuming!

What had started out as a wonderful shared experience was ruined for both of us because she decided to ignore me and run off. She doesn't understand or recognize the dangers, and even though she didn't get hurt this time, the dangers were very real. She knew there was freedom, joy, and treats with me, but she caught the sent of something she wanted more and was gone. She didn't care what I wanted. The end result was that she ended up on the lead and I ended up angry and late for a meeting. Neither one of us enjoyed the walk back.

But it was on the way back that God unfolded the parable to me.

As I fumed about the dog and grumbled under my breath about her behaviour, He gently called my attention to the previous evening.

I had heard his invitation the previous evening, but had run off. I felt His invitation to sit at His feet, open His Word, and spend some time together, but I didn't want to. I just wanted to play a silly computer game. I had worked hard and felt entitled to my own time, to do my own thing, so that is what I did. I ran off and did my own thing. I felt the tug several more times over the next couple of hours as I played  my game, but kept ignoring His promptings, pretending not to hear and running off again. Finally, at 4AM I collapsed into bed exhausted and dissatisfied.

The funny thing is that I really enjoy my times with Him. My times with Him refresh my soul and stimulate my mind. I am more myself and more full of love and joy, peace and patience, during and after my times with Him. When we do life together, it's great! It is much better on every level than a computer game, but in a fit of sheer madness it somehow seemed like a good idea to run from my all loving Father.

By the time we made it home I was truly repentant and grateful for my Master. I can't say Oreo felt the same. I can tell you that she was ready and raring to go on a walk again the next day. I can also tell you that she hasn't run off since. Our relationship is restored and full of joy and freedom again. And my relationship with the dog isn't bad either.

Ambushed Again!

On Friday I was skyping with some friends. As we often do, we ended the call by praying for each other. One of the things they prayed for me was that God would fill me up for the up coming week of intense ministry by meeting me in worship. In the last few days, this prayer has been answered many times over, the most recent one was this morning, when God ambushed me again!

Perhaps that needs a little explaining...

When I was a kid, we took great delight on hiding in the house and jumping out at unsuspecting loved ones. Often, particularly with my dad, these childish ambushes were followed with tickles and fun. At any moment, your day could be interrupted by a loving ambush. When you least expected it, someone would jump out at you and you would be thrown into chaos for a moment as your adrenalin kicked in. The intensity of emotion heightening the connection with someone you were not looking for.

One of the really fun things for me in the last few years, has been the way God sneaks up behind me and taps me on the shoulder when I'm not looking. Sometimes it feels really playful, as if He was hiding behind the door with a sly smile on His face, listening to my approaching footsteps, anticipating the look on my face when He jumps out. Other times it is more sedate and deep like suddenly discovering an old friend sitting in your living room and inviting you to sit down and catch up. Still other times, the ambushes are more severe, like suddenly being caught in the act, suddenly knowing that you are caught, guilty, and there is no wiggling out of it.

One of the great joys of my life has been learning what it means to live in what Dallas Willard calls "a God bathed world". The fact is that our world is filled with God. He is available to us every moment. He is actually present everywhere at every moment but we can live our whole lives without being aware of Him. Cultivating sensitivity to Him and creating space in my life to respond to Him takes discipline and intentionality, but it is well worth it. He reveals Himself to those who seek Him.

This morning, He ambushed me as my wife was reading from "Jesus Calling". I'm not really a devotional reader kind of guy, but God totally ambushed me this morning! I am preparing to travel to Asia for a week of intense ministry. I went to bed last night trying to anticipate all that the week would hold and even playing through potential conversations in my head. This mornings reading opened with this line, "Trust me enough to let things happen without striving to predict or control them." I didn't really hear the rest of the reading.

I felt like God had just tapped me on the shoulder. My mind flooded with all the ways I had tried to do exactly that. I was suddenly deliciously aware of His presence and the absurdity of my façade of control, my desire to accurately anticipate the future. Instead, He reminded me that I can and should relax into His presence. I can be present in every moment and be anticipating Him, listening for His approaching footsteps.

I am eager to see what He has in store for me this week. I am eager to live with Him, to walk with Him. With an almost childlike giggling fear, I'm peering around each corner wondering when He will ambush me again.

Chasing Bubbles

Today was a wild day at the beach.  The wind was howling and  I was able to walk along the sandy expanse of the ocean floor exposed by the retreating tide.  The sun was still low in the sky and cast a shimmering glow over everything.  The water was choppy and the waves rough as they pounded the beach with foamy repetition.  The bubbly foam pushed up and down the beach by the waves.  As the waves retreated bits of foam and some bubbles were stranded on the wet strand.  These were blown sideways across the beach. 

As I enjoyed the wild expanse and watched the oncoming rush of clouds my dog, Oreo, ran wild.  We had the beach to ourselves and she ran here and there snapping at the wind and rushing at the waves.  But today her favorite game was chasing bubbles.  As she ran along, she would catch the movement of a bubble running across the top of the wet sand and would immediately change directions and attempt to grab the bubble.  As she pounced on or closed her jaws over the bubble, it would immediately burst and disappear.  She would pause for just a moment as if puzzled.  Then another bubble would catch her eye and she was off again.

As I watched this I began to wonder how much of our lives we spend chasing bubbles.  How many times does something catch our eye and we are off in a flash to get it?  We chase down our quarry and just as we close our fists on the object of our desire we find that it is not as substantial as we imagined.  We lay hold of it only to find that it does not deliver what we anticipated.  But, rather than learn the lesson we are almost immediately distracted by another opportunity, another thing that we can pursue.  Surely this one will be different!  Surely this time it will be the thing that makes us happy, eases our pain, gives us enduring pleasure, or fills our soul!  But again we find that it fails to satisfy.  Rather than stopping to wonder about the futility of the game, we frenetic pursue the empty spheres. 

We find that all around us others play the same game with subtle variations.  We have different preferences in our pursuits.  The bubbles we chase may be slightly different in size or color, but our perpetual idolatry is continually encouraged by our hungry flesh, the world around us, and the enemy of our souls.  God calls us to something different.  He calls us to walk with Him.  He calls us to rest in Him, to trust in Him.  He calls us to engage with Him.  He will fill our souls and leave us strangely longing for more at the same time.  He will give us substantial pleasures to enjoy as we walk with Him.  He is a wild and free Father and loves to give good gifts to His children.  Real gifts that we can sink our teeth into, the most important of which is God Himself.

The Giver of All Good Things

It is funny the way that the Spirit will just tap you on the shoulder sometimes and point out a lesson that is right in front of your face.  It happened again on my walk this morning.  It involved the dog again.  I have been training her to respond to my command to "come" by rewarding her with a tasty treat when she does so.  This has been working wonders.  She has started to realize that when she obeys there is a really positive payoff.  She is starting to identify me as the giver of treats, and to come when I call.  I reward her for staying close to me with words and pats and with the occasional surprise from a pocket full of canine culinary delights.

I watched her this morning as she wandered father and farther away across a field.  Her nose was glued to the ground.  I called her.  She popped her head up and looked at me.  I called her again.  It was as if I could see the debate in her little doggy head.  Then, she took off like a rocket toward me.  She was about halfway towards me when she suddenly changed directions.  She shot off on a new trajectory.  Soon, she had her nose down in a pile of cow manure and was munching away.  I called her again, but she wasn't budging.  Again, and she popped her head up and looked at me inquisitively, as if surprised that I was still there.  Then, she bolted straight towards me.  She received her tasty treat when she arrived, albiet more carefully than usual as I didn't want a hand smeared with cow manure from her muzzle.

I was laughing about this scene when I felt a gentle poke.  I am just like the brute beast.  I know that God is the giver of all good things.  His pockets are bulging with things that delight me.  When I draw near to Him, He is quick with a word of affirmation and is so kind to me.  I love to be close to Him.  But then I catch of whiff of something.  I forget that He is there.  I wander off in curiosity.  I wonder about what this new smell might hold in store.  He lets me meander and perhaps a smile drifts across His face at my inquisitiveness or my enjoyment of the field where He has led me.

Then He calls me.  I become aware of Him again.  I remember what it is like to be near Him and I am off like a rocket towards Him.  Then, I catch a whiff of something else, and my pace towards him slakens, my concentration on Him is broken.  Quicker than I know it, I am off in a different direction, forgetting the gifts that He is holding for me.  He patiently, and sometimes urgently, calls me again.  Oh yeah, that's where I was going!  As I refocus on His face, I can hardly remember how I forgot, or how I failed to reach Him, and I am off again in pursuit of the One who loves me, the giver of all good things.

Choices

Everyday we make choices. When to get up? What to eat for breakfast? How many cups of coffee to drink? How to spend our time? How to spend our money? We make all kinds of choices everyday.

Today I am struck by the choices that I make and how most of life is made up of seemingly trivial choices. While it is true that many of our choices are indeed trivial, there are other choices that may be life changing. The hard part is that there is no way of knowing which choices will be life changing before you make them. I saw a report this morning that a girl was swept off a rock by an unexpectedly enormous wave and died. The news is filled with stories of people who are "in the wrong place at the wrong time" and their lives are ended or forever changed. Mundane choices sometimes lead us to unexpected places.

I can't worry about the seemingly random events like freak waves. I have to trust that if I am making reasonable decisions that God will take care of the "random" stuff. That is His purview. On the other hand, I also saw a friends facebook page today that clearly demonstrated that my friend, who once walked with Jesus is doing so no longer. We journeyed together for a time, but now the path that I walk and that of his have now widly diverted. How did that happen? I find myself reflecting on this as I consider how I spend my time, and wondering where the general trajectory of my choices is taking me. At some point my friend started to make choices that eventually led him away from the Lord. Perhaps is it was lies that he chose to believe. Perhaps it was a temptation he chose to indulge. I don't know where it started, but I can clearly see where it has led.

So, what are the choices that I am making. Am I choosing to draw near to God? I know that He will draw near to me if I draw near to Him. He is faithful to keep His promises. I know that if I hear His knock and open the door, He will come in and dine with me. I know that I often ignore the knock or the invitation to intimacy, choosing to delay or defer my response, in essence to deny his request to rest with the Redeemer. All too often this is because I am driven by my own internal drives to produce and to accomplish things for Him. I call these things good, but to the extent that they keep me from "the one needful thing" they are not at all good. I must choose each day to sit at his feet and to draw near. I must choose to quiet my self like a weaned child with his mother and not to concern myself with things that are too great for me. Then, I can live and choose from a place of peace and trust.

Technique and Methodology

I find myself wondering about our fascination with technique and methodology this morning. It seems that every problem from a difficult marriage to church planting among the unreached has been, or is being, reduced to technique. The reason that your marriage isn't going well is that you haven't discovered or applied the "5 secrets of a happy marriage". The reason that your sex life isn't satisfying or intimate is that you haven't read the most recent issue of Cosmopolitan or Men's Health to discover the "6 steps to sexual satisfaction". The reason that the billions of unreached people haven't embraced Christ is that we've been doing it wrong all these years and this NEW and IMPROVED method of evangelism and church planting will do the trick; just buy this book and follow these "10 principles to lead Muslims to Jesus".

Is it all really that simple? Can our relationships be reduced to arithmetic and formulas? Can the interactions between souls, human or divine, be quantified and mechanized? Can we study ourselves into love, can we strategize ourselves into intimacy? Do we really believe that we are so far superior to those who have gone before us? Do we really believe that we have finally found the method(s) that will solve our problems? Or perhaps there is something else going on here. Perhaps this is all just a way of creating or sustaining the illusion of control.

If the answers to perennial problems, spiritual or relational, can be reduced to techniques or formulas then if we learn the right methods we will be in control of the outcomes. All we have to do is learn the right parenting techniques and our kids will be healthy and happy, the right marriage techniques and we'll have a problem free marriage. But all of this misses the point. We are not in control. We were never designed to be in control. We are not the Controller, the Creator and the Sustainer of the Universe. God is. We are invited to walk with Him and to talk with Him. We are invited to work alongside Him.

The emphasis on method and formulas flows from the Enlightenment. This period of history gave us modern science and the scientific method. I am grateful for science and all that we have today as a result of the pursuit of understanding how the universe works. I could not right this blog if someone had not figured out how to push electrons around. My point is not that techniques and methods are bad, but that they are limited. When we are dealing with material objects they are extremely useful, but we have allowed this way of thinking to creep into our thinking about all aspects of our lives.

Science is great as a far as science can go, but science alone cannot answer the really important questions: Where did we come from? Why are we here? What is the point of all this? Science is helpful for understanding and manipulating the physical world, but there are other realities, more important ones. We are not just chemicals and reactions. We are souls. After all you can't put love in a test tube, and you can't quantify a snuggle with your kids. When we try to reduce our interactions with each other and God down to technique, we dehumanize those that we are using our methods on. We treat them as objects in our experiment rather than human souls to be interacted with, or in the case of God, a divine soul to be pursued, loved, and known.

In our pursuit of technical perfection we miss real relationship. We miss real intimacy. We miss real love. We miss the the real heart of the matter.

The Nature of Faith

This morning I read Romans 14 and was struck by the last line of the last verse: 'Whatever is not from faith is sin." As I meditated on this verse trying to grasp the practical implications of this for my life, I was drawn back to reflecting on the nature of faith. If faith is a set of doctrines that I believe or my belief in itself, then I'm not sure what to do with this verse. How do I interpret and "Whatever is not flowing from my belief is sin" or perhaps "Whatever is not in accordance with the doctrines of the church or biblical principles is sin"?

I remember earlier in my journeyt falling into a paralysis of analysis as I constantly checked and double checked my motives to see that they were from faith. As if I could even rightly discern my heart motivations or could seperate the various mixed motives and eliminate the less noble ones through some sort of mental exercise! I remember also a time in my journey when I thought of my "faith" primarily in terms of biblical principles and ideas to be understood and applied. If only I could read, grasp, understand, and apply all the biblical mandates and principles then everything would be "from faith". This too is an impossible task in daily life, and would create an unbearable burden of analysis of every situation to determine which principle(s) apply and how to apply them before doing anything.

But, what if faith is not primarily about content or about the quality or quantity of my trust or belief? What if faith is primarily relational? In Hebrews we are told that "without faith it is impossible to please Him for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is the rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. In John 5 we are warned that there are those who diligently seek the scriptures because they believe that by them they will have eternal life, but they refused to come to Jesus who was life. In John 17 we are told that eternal life is to know God and to know Jesus whom He sent. It is all about relationship.

So, that means that whatever is not done in relationship with God is sin. This makes more sense to me, and I believe fits better with the rest of Scripture. There are so many decisions I make that do not include Christ. There are so many unexamined parts of my life. Clearly God has made known to us the broader parameters, the fences beyond which we dare not tread; The Ten Commandments are a good summary of those, and the Sermon on the Mount provides greater clarity on how to interpret those, but the key is not to memorize and analyze. That is not the eternal kind of life.

Eternal life is to walk and talk with God. To involve Him in every aspect of our lives. To not just begin by the Spirit, but to walk with the Spirit day by day. (Gal. 5) As I go through my life, I can dialogue with my ever present God about my circumstances, relationships, ideas, emotions, and decisions. Whatever is not done in communion or in communication with the Spirit of God is sin. This is not undoable, or overburdensom; it's not easy either. I will have to adjust my mindset and to learn new disciplines, but perhaps this is what Paul meant by praying without ceasing 1 Thes. 5:17). I may be wrong and foolish about some of this, but I am still thirsty and this leads me to Jesus, the fountain of living water.

The Opposite of Faith

I recently had dinner with some old friends. I have known them for more than 10 years. As we talked it became clear that they no longer believe in Jesus. At one point they were involved in church, reading and praying daily, and doing all the things that we would normally expect to see in a growing Christian. Today they are wondering if it was all self-deception, if they just imagined that they experienced God. In short, they have lost their faith.

We talked for hours sharing our journey and listening to theirs. They shared about their frustrations with the church, the hypocrisy of their Christian friends, their doubts about the reliability of Scripture, and their apparent lack of loss and new found freedom as they have abandoned their faith. It is not that they are living lasciviously, or are abandoning their morality. It is simply that they do not have faith.

All of this has me reflecting on the nature of faith, and specifically wondering about the opposite of faith. My friends' journey away from God began with doubt. When they expressed their doubts to other Christians they were admonished to "have faith", to "believe and not to doubt". I am wondering if the opposite of faith is really doubt, and if the cure to doubt is to just believe. It seems to me that the opposite of faith might be apathy or inaction. My friends are now living lives apart from Christ because of their doubts. They have rightly identified real problems and as these difficult realities sowed doubts in their minds, they pulled back to investigate and to find out what was true. However, as they pulled back they didn't really plunge into the investigation, or devote themselves to the search, they simply stopped pursuing to see what would happen. When nothing "bad" happened, they figured it was all a sham.

As I reflect on my own journey I am struck that it is filled with periods of doubt and turmoil. I think that the difference is one of relationship and perhaps of activity. When I am struck by doubts and difficulties I tend to talk about these things with God and with those closest to me. This reaffirms my important relationships including my relationship with God, even as the doubts remain real and the difficulties may not dissipate. I don't think that my life will ever be free of doubts and puzzling paradoxes, but it seems that my faith is expressed when I choose to engage the doubts and wrestle with God about them. The talking with Him, the wrestling with Him, even the shouting at Him, are all actions that express faith. Withdrawing from Him and simply ignoring Him these are un-faith.

Hide and Seek

I find myself engaged in a sort of game of hide and seek with God. In one sense I have always been playing the game where I am hiding from Him, like Adam in the garden, and He is patiently seeking me. I hid from Him for many years and used many strategies to avoid discovery. I was afraid of his soul penetrating gaze. I was afraid I would be caught and uncovered. I was certain that I could not stand naked and unashamed before Him. So, I hid.

To my surprise, I found much joy and relief when He finally caught me. I finally surrendered myself and purposed to not hide from Him, or from myself, any longer. The ruthless self assessment and the stripping that has followed, have revealed that I was even worse off than I thought, but that He was even better than I dreamed. He has patiently been pursuing me and healing me all these years.

That, however, is not the game of hide and seek that I am pondering this morning. Today, I find myself reflecting on the divine hider. I feel like we have switched roles. Now, I am the one who is seeking and He is the one who is hiding; not in a mean spirited way, but rather in a playful way.

It is a sort of romantic hide and seek. He is beckoning me on, and is playfully hiding, all the while leaving clues as to where we will have our next hidden rendezvous. He hides to see if I will pursue. When I find that I can not help but pursue I discover that He has become and is becoming the desire of my heart. This is a welcome discovery and, I believe, is at least part of His reason for playing this game with me. He is demonstrating to me that I really do love Him. Through my doubts, through my fears, through the places that still need healing, I have grown to love Him. I am growing and changing after all!

So, I will seek my God though I only see Him now through a glass darkly. Someday I will know Him as He knows me. I will see Him fully and completely as He sees me. Then, I suppose He will teach me other games to play.

The Journey of Faith

I am hungry for God and want more than anything to know Him and walk with Him, but I find the journey toward Him to be excruciating. I believe that I am on the right path, but I am SO impatient for my own growth. I find it hard to enjoy the journey, and instead find myself frustrated with myself and with others along the way. I find the process to be roughly analogous to physical training. It is hard work and the good that it achieves may not be readily felt of ever fully known; and yet over time the change can be perceived, if not by the eye then in the experience of living in the improved body. I agree with Paul that physical training is of some value, and trust that he is right when he says that training in godliness is of great value for the present life as well as the one to come.

God is refining me and that requires humility. But, the way to humility is through humiliation. Perhaps not for everyone, but it certainly seems to be for me. Yet again I find myself smarting after an interaction. I find myself longing to be understood and valued for who I am. I know that the reason it feels so bad is because I have not reached the holy indifference to the opinion of man that is the mark of true humility. I am wondering if this is even possible short of heaven. And yet, I see progress. I can see some progress in my own life and as I talk with and read those who are farther along I believe that much more is attainable than I have yet laid hold of. So, I press on.

And yet, I’m tired. Tired of being judged. Tired of being misunderstood. Tired of trying to fit into some mold of what a man should be, a Christian should be, a leader should be. I long to be free to be completely who I am. I do not long to stop changing or growing, it is that I long to be free to grow along the path that is uniquely mine, rather than the paths that others would mark out for me. There are a few true companions who know me, who give me the freedom to be who I am, and love me enough to push me to be a better version of myself. These are precious gifts to me that sustain and encourage me on the journey. Perhaps God alone should be enough for me, but I am grateful for these boons, these treasures, these friends.

I recognize that I not only lack humility, but I also lack faith. I can be a little self-congratulatory about my ability to step out into the unknown, but true faith is trust, not tolerance for ambiguity. I am reminded about a story I once read about a knight who served a lord. One day, the lord asked him to extend his sword arm. As he did so his lord raised his sword and poised to strike the blow that would sever his hand from his arm and end his fighting career. The knight was faced with a crucial test of his trust in his superior. I feel like God has asked me to extend my hand. Do I trust Him enough to leave my hand extended, to draw near enough to Him to be within striking distance? Or, do I withdraw it because I don’t trust that it will be worth it. I know that there will be pain and loss, but do I trust that the purpose will be worth the pain. Do I trust my commander, my Lord, enough to be expendable, to be expended on the battlefield? We may dream of marching victoriously with the conqueror, but who dreams being counted among the dead and maimed on the battlefield? Do I trust Him enough to let Him wound me?

After all, He is not tame. There are those who would assure me that my vision of God is too grim, too bloody, but I wonder if they have not emasculated God in their desire to make Him more amiable. The God of the scriptures is fierce and bold. He slays His enemies, and sometimes His friends. He is not random nor capricious, but neither is He tame and domesticated. He never acts out of character, but he chastises those who would reduce Him to formulas and platitudes; Job’s friends and the Pharisees are the most obvious examples of this. So, do I trust this wild God? Do I trust Him enough to be crushed by Him? What if I am not Joseph, or David, who endured the trials and depredations for a time, and were later exalted? What if I am Jonathan, or the thousands of unnamed warriors who were faithful and obedient and died in the struggle? Can I trust Him then? I cry out with Peter, “Where else can I go Lord? Who else has the words of eternal life?” And with Job, “I know that my redeemer lives” and “though He slay me, yet I will trust in Him.”

The book I'm reading

I find myself both challenged and encouraged by the book I'm reading, "The Voice of Jesus" by Gordon T. Smith. It is the latest in a series of books I've been reading about prayer and developing my relationship with God. Smith starts by looking at three Christian thinkers who wrestled with how God speaks with us. What is interesting is that he has selected Ignatius Loyola (the founder of the Jesuits), John Wesley (the founder of Methodism), and Jonathan Edwards (the profound American Reformed pastor and theologian).

Although these three men are from three different traditions they agree that God speaks to us personally. I long to hear from God with greater frequency and clarity and this book has been an encouragement to me that this is not a futile pursuit. I believe that there is much more potential to hear from Him than is generally acknowledged. I believe that I can train myself to hear His voice if I will but invest my time and energy in that direction. I believe that we give up too easily and settle for so much less than is available to us.

Meeting with God

Every day is filled with opportunities to meet with God. Every day is laden with the possibility for a divine ambush. To meet with God is an honor and a privilege that is available to everyone, but one that is fraught with danger, for you never know what God will do, or say.

God does not exist for us, but rather the other way around. In Him we live and move and have our being. He created all things, and all things were created by and for Him. He owns all things, myself included. So, to meet with Him is to meet with the awesome and terrifying King of the Universe. It is an audience with Immensity. It is a conversation with unbridled Power, Wisdom, and Glory.

It is a gift beyond measure that we can waltz into the Holy of Holies with reckless abandon. We can meet with the Immutable God without fear. For God Himself has made a way for us. He laid down His life so that we can have real life. The veil has been torn, and we now have direct access to the Father. We assume this tremendous privilege because we have always had this level of intimacy available to us, as has everyone that we have ever known, but it was not always this way. The saints and prophets of old longed for this, but died longing for what we take for granted.

So, today, I set aside time again to meet with Him. He does not always meet with me in special ways, but I set the time aside and dedicate it to seeking His face. Sometimes He visits me in special ways, and sometimes I spend the time in study and prayer with no special visitation. I have grown to enjoy both kinds of times. To be honest the times of studying His Word and intercessory prayer are often more peaceful and less painful. For when He comes, He pursues me with an intentionality and intensity that often leaves me sore from the probing of my heart.

Today was one of those times when He spoke to me. He probed my heart again and showed me that many of my decisions are made from my own desires. He graciously pressed down on some tender spots and directed me toward the place of growth for me. Unfortunately, or so it feels, that place is the crucible of isolation and obscurity. There is much more winnowing to be done in my heart. It is for my own good, and I am grateful for it, but the threshing sledge falls with terrible force to crack the husks and release the grain trapped inside. I am grateful for the meeting, if still a little sore. But it's a good sore, like the tenderness of muscles after a long, hard work out. A tenderness that speaks not of brokenness alone, but of a strength that is growing; the pain in the price of growth.

Humility

Humility is not a virtue that is attained easily, and one that is pursued with little gusto. I speak from personal experience; not as one who has attained it, but as one who has little stomach for the journey towards it.

I know that to be humble is to be like Christ. I want to be like Christ. I am just not sure that I want to go through the formative processes to become like Him. The process of sanctification is not a process of sinning less and less, but rather a process of being conformed more and more to the image of our Saviour. He learned obedience through suffering. (Heb. 5:8) I am coming to believe that the only way for me to learn humility is through humiliation. That is a form of suffering that I studiously try to avoid.

I am struggling to simultaneously embrace both my beauty, power, and strength as a child of God, and my brokenness as a son of Adam. I suspect that somewhere along this road is true humility. I am a creature, and not the creator. Andrew Murray says that is the basis for humility, not my sinfulness or even brokenness. I wonder how many times God will have to graciously remind me of my lack of divinity before I will remember and allow the truth of that to penetrate my heart and infuse my life with true humility. Life giving, freedom granting, humility.

The Wrestling Match

Well, my fast is over and my heart has been tenderized. Last night the Lord met me in a most unexpected way. I was praying for intimacy and blessing, and He answered, but in a way that leaves me grateful but a aching a bit.

I was reading "the Voice of Jesus" by Gordon T. Smith. I was reading about the various ways that the Holy Spirit meets with us. As I was reading and reflecting on the role of the Spirit I was suddenly aware of some really ugly spiritual pride that I have allowed to grow unchecked in my heart in the last few months. I have been judging others harshly, in my own mind, in an effort to protect myself by invalidating their perspectives and defending myself and my ideas. I have subtly been exalting myself and devaluing others. I have even gone as far as using sarcasm and scorn to recruit others to my low opinion of others.

I was crushed. I was sickened when I realized how long this has been going on and how insidious this sin was. I am once again impressed with my ability to deceive myself and rationalize my sin.

I am SO grateful that He met me and exposed my heart. He has graciously peeled back another layer and exposed the infection to the cleansing light of His love. As I was reflecting on whether this was the end of the wrestling match, or if I should continue the fast, I was reminded of the end of the original wrestling match between Jacob and God. It ended when God touched Jacob's hip and wounded him. So, I have decided that this match is over and God won. The beauty of it is, that when God wins I win because He is for me.

Expectations

I am in the first day of my fasting and prayer in pursuit of God. I want to quiet myself before Him, and to not let go of Him until He blesses me.

On the other hand, I'm wondering what my expectations should be. I don't know if I'm desiring a level of intimacy and connection that will only be available to me in heaven. I don't know if I'm being selfish and demanding. I want Him to meet with me. I want to hear from Him. I have had that experience before, but I feel like this time I am more desperate. I wonder if I'm pushing myself too hard in seeking something that is unrealistic. I know that I haven't pushed myself much at all.

This morning as I was wondering about this I was reminded of 1 Tim. 4:7b-8. "...train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come." I know that I have spent precious little effort training myself to be godly. So, while I don't know where this will lead, I feel like it's time for me to take this training seriously.

Desperate for God

Today I spent a couple of hours on my face before God. I read scripture, journaled, and sat in silence before Him. I told Him that I was desperate for Him to meet with me, to manifest Himself to me, to show Himself to me. I am desperate for answers to questions, but more than that, I'm desperate to meet with Him. I felt this SO keenly today. I do not feel like He is hiding, nor silent, but neither is He speaking to me as I have experienced Him in the past.

As I lay before Him today I wrestled with my desire for Him. I feel like my desperation needs to be expressed in more than just words. I hunger and thirst for Him. I will be the importunate widow who will knock and ask, and ask again, until He grants my request...until He meets with me and tells me His will for me. And so, I will fast and pray. I will quiet myself and fast from media as well as food. I will seek Him with all that I am. Surely He will meet with me. It's time for more than words.

Fits and Starts

I have noticed that I live my life in fits and spurts. I tend to focus on something really well for a time, but eventually I get distracted. Unfortunately, this happens often in my pursuit of God. Something will remind me of the centrality of Christ, and for a time I will be intentional in my pursuit of Him. These spurts of spiritual pursuit are not bad in and of themselves, but I long for a more steady and sustained pursuit of Him over time. Eugene Peterson calls discipleship "a long obedience in the same direction". I can look back over many years now and see that the general trajectory of my life, for quite some time now, has been upwards towards Christ, but the path is more sporadic than I would like. I am too easily distracted by "lovers less wild". Oh my heart is prone to wander. May God bind my wandering heart to Him!